I am so glad to have found this forum and another one like it. I had no idea what was going on until recently and these posts are helping me see that I am not insane. A little over a year ago my husband began crying all the time and complaining about his looks, his job, his parents but always said he loved me. Then he began going to our basement more and more. He would go there to chew tobacco and play xbox. He started spending more and more time down there to the point that he only came to bed right before I woke up so I would think he had been in bed all night. I spied on him a couple of times while he was down there and he was always doing just what I had said. He was not on the phone or on the computer. Just xbox and chew.
His behavior was causing huge fights between us until finally he moved out. That was six months ago and since that time life has been pure hell. He hardly took anything when he left and has not taken anything since. He has nothing to do with his old friends or any of the things he used to love. He is still doing what he always did which is work all the time (he has a very high powered and stressful job) and plays xbox. When he does go out it is with these young partiers (my husband is 44).
When he first left he treated me like I was his arch enemy until I finally told him I would not take another day of it. Now he comes over and is affectionate at times but still will not go on a date or call to check on me. The only time I see him is when he comes to pick up our D11 and then he will linger. It is like he wants to be with me but does not want to make himself vulnerable.
He filed but only because he thought I was going to and he because he said I "wasn't taking it seriously enough"??? I have lost twenty pounds!! I am not sure he wants to be divorced. One day he said, "how can I begin to work on us when I am so messed up". He says he had to leave because I never loved him or accepted him and he couldn't take it anymore.
My question is what do I do? I have noticed that if I even mention the relationship he goes for the door. Everything has to stay light and pleasant. There are times when he is affectionate but then goes and does "whatever" with no responsibility for anything in our lives. I know he is hiding money (not a lot but just enough so he doesn't have to be accountable) which also bugs me but God forbid if I bring it up. Oh and did I mention the new Porsche he purchased!!!
How long do you hang on? My husband was there for me several years ago when i was going through a tough time in my life and I used to always tell him how much it means to me. He would tell me that one day he will go through something and he knows I would be there for him. Is this it? My friends and family want him away from me so I can move on with my life. They think I should proceed with the divorce and forget him. I still love him but I am not sure I can take much more!
In the past when I have backed off he has done two things. He has backed off too and other times he comes forward but more in a "I can't believe you are doing this" kind of way. Since he says I never loved or accepted him I was wondering if it is possible to detach and go dark while still being loving?? The only problem I have is that when he does come forward it is just like throwing me crumbs. Is that what I should expect for now?? Please, Please help me. I am confused, tired and need someone to talk to me that understands!!
Hi I do not know too much about MLC. I did see a friend go through it recently. It was scary to watch.
But I will recommend that you stop with all R talk. He is just not ready.
As for the filing. I would let a lawyer deal with this. He has financial responsiblities for his family. He should not be hiding money. Nor purchasing such big items as a Porsche.
What boundaries have you put in play with him ?
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I have spoke with my attorney and he has told me not to worry about the money. The courts will go by the money that was in the accounts at the time he filed. They will also audit his business so it would be hard for him to do too much without getting caught.
About boundaries....what exactly do you mean? What type of boundaries? Right now we are living separate lives and don't have much to do with each other except for when he picks up our daughter.
Sydneyl2u Hello, I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I’m really new too, but this has been the best support system for me right now. I to have family and friends tell me to just file and move on. But deep down, I don’t want my marriage to end, and it doesn’t sound like you do either. Have you read DB or DR, these books are must read.
Here is a link to my story, and someone posted a list of do’s & don’ts that I think you will find helpful.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09
Please, Please help me. I am confused, tired and need someone to talk to me that understands!!
Hi sweetie,
I am sorry you have to go through this. I know how confusing everything is.
I am going to suggest that you take a break from fixing the R. It is counter-intuitive, but will have the best results to repair the R. Focus all your energy on making positive changes to you. Do things that you enjoy. Get to happy without spouse.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am so glad to have found this forum and another one like it.
We are glad you found it too. It is a great place for support. Pass out what you want to receive. Go offer support to others and they will reciprocate.
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I had no idea what was going on until recently and these posts are helping me see that I am not insane.
Many of our sitch are so similar, it is scary.
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When he first left he treated me like I was his arch enemy until I finally told him I would not take another day of it. Now he comes over and is affectionate at times
This is a boundary you set. The more boundaries you set the better.
Simple formula for boundary:
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When you _____, I feel ________ , I want ________.
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My question is what do I do?
Keep making positive changes in your life.
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I have noticed that if I even mention the relationship he goes for the door.
OK. Than don't do that anymore. Notice what works and does not work. Do more of what works.
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Everything has to stay light and pleasant. There are times when he is affectionate
good.
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How long do you hang on?
Set him free. If he comes back is when YOU decide if you want to work on it.
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My husband was there for me several years ago when i was going through a tough time in my life and I used to always tell him how much it means to me. He would tell me that one day he will go through something and he knows I would be there for him. Is this it?
That is all history. Stay in the present.
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My friends and family want him away from me so I can move on with my life. They think I should proceed with the divorce and forget him. I still love him but I am not sure I can take much more!
They want you to feel good. The easy path is not always the right path. The right thing to do is not always intuitive. Rejecting the WAS may be the right thing to do.
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The only problem I have is that when he does come forward it is just like throwing me crumbs.
Another place for a boundary.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Wow! I wrote that two years ago almost exactly. I have now been divorced 7 months and it has been crazy. He would not divorce me but would not come back. I had to push the divorce even though I did not want it. But I needed to since all through this he has been mean and depressed. He also has had OWomen. Once I found out about the first OW which was about a year and a half after he left I began dating. When he found out he had me followed and just about went crazy. I think he thought I was going to wait around until he figured out what he wanted.
This is my issue. Now my X is coming around more. He tells me he now realizes how much I really did love him and how miserable he is. He is truly a mess and knows he needs help. He said he is going to counseling and texts me every few days about how he never appreciated me but that he always loved me and always will.
I feel like he is in the Acceptance stage and I don't know what to do. He seems almost childlike and is looking to me for help and love and support. Today he texted that he will never find anyone to replace me. I then texted back.....its sad you even wanted to replace me. He then went back into defense mode and said I made mistakes in the marriage!
Its like he wants me yet doesn't know what he wants or is extremely afraid to be vulnerable. i think my family and friends would kill me if I ever even considered taking him back after some of the things he has done and said. (He is textbook MLC). Yet I don't want to say or do anything to harm him if he is trying to come out of this. A part of me still loves him very much!
If anyone can offer advise I would deeply appreciate it!!!!
Anyone, whether in MLC or not, can find their way to victim mentality and blame others for things that happen to them or around them. If desirable for you, validate, either by way of accepting truthful responsibility, or (if you feel the points are untrue) simply by acknowledging those are his feelings.
Regardless of whether the two of you R... without ANY expectations... are you willing to support him in his growth? Like you would ANY friend?
What do you want?
And is it important for you to live up to what you believe are the expectations of friends, family, and other people in your life?
The chances are, this would be a brand new R with someone. If he hasn't or doesn't step up, then perhaps your friends and family have valid concerns. What would a healthy R with your X look like, to you?
