Mulesqb - Strength and Honor From Now On

[mulesqb]

Hey all! I just wanted to summarize my sitch, whether for personal closure, or to help anyone else here that may see similarities.

Yesterday, my divorce became official. I'm a divorced man. Single father of three amazing boys, with sole custody. My XW visits them twice a week for 2-3 hours. I served my XW for divorce one year ago today. It was a decision I had tried to avoid for 11 months.

I came to DB after doing an internet search on mid life crisis. Read Michelle's books and found this place. I'm not going to rehash my entire sitch. Just a summary.

It was pretty typical in the beginning. I remember thinking mine was not nearly as desperate as many that I read here. I spent 100's of hours reading here. Never felt qualified to give much advice. My posts to others were always of the moral support nature. I remember being warned by many of the vets here about my XW's dangerous "friendship" with our neighbor. I was advised to move my family out of my house right away. I never listened to that for many reasons. I was very typical to many here in the beginning with making many mistakes and did way too much pursuing.

My sitch ended up spiraling out of control. My XW's verbal and emotional abuse of my kids and basic neglect became much more important to me than saving my M. I tried long and hard to keep my family together. DB'd to the best of my ability, which was far from textbook. I made many mistakes. But at some point I felt like I was changing into a person I didn't want to be, to try and please my XW. I know why I did it. It was to try and save my M. But it didn't work. So I made the decision to forget about saving my M and focus solely on my boys. The more I did that, the more resentful my XW became. That was the permanent wedge in our M.

The transformation of my XW from church going, CCD coordinating, Eucharistic Minister, fun loving mother of three to her current state was...well, pretty darn scary. She is a complete 180 of her former self. Lives like a gypsy with a very small circle of friends and stays away from her former life as much as possible. I do have some remorse about not being able see her through it, but I learned that was something I couldn't do. But the end result was scary. More on that later.

I worked very hard to get back to being the person I wanted to be. It took a while to build my self esteem back. It did happen. I started to analyze my old M and saw many sacrifices I made to try and make it work. At one point I looked back on it as lopsided. But it wasn't. Every spouse makes sacrifices. Every spouse needs to do work. And when things get harder, spouses need to work harder. I think that is what is most disappointing to me about my XW. The way she just quit on us as a family. Honestly, looking back, she quit on the kids before she quit on me. She tried to take me along for that ride. When I realized it and stopped, there was nothing left. I think that is what pushed her into her PA. I don't regret that decision I made one bit. My kids have turned the corner, as have I. I love being their father. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have an incredible bond with them. As far as they're concerned, I'm proud of the way I handled things. Every thing I said and did was with them in mind. It was always extremely important for me to set an example to them with every action and every word. I tried to shield them from the situation as best I could. At times, that was not possible. But that effort was worth every ounce of pain I faced.

I want to thank everyone here that has ever spent even a minute reading my posts. The support here, and friendships made have been incredible. In the end, I don't know how to score my sitch. And I mean that from a DB perspective. I did not save my M. I did change myself and I did make it through the most trying experience of my life. I'm fine. I am happy with my life. I have been dating an incredible woman for 6 months now. I have learned so much from this place that I take into that relationship. I am extremely optimistic about it. But I am taking it one day at a time.

My WAXW..well. she lives the life of a transient. She has no R with her family. They don't talk, they don't spend holidays, etc... Her family helps me with the boys twice a week. It is a win-win. I couldn't tell you where she lives or who she lives with. Somebody is suing her for leaving the scene of an accident a few weeks ago. She avoids our community and old circle of friends. She still doesn't attend the kids sports activities. In fact, I'm not even sure she knows my S15 made the JV basketball and baseball teams, two teams he was cut from last year in the middle of this nonsense. He now starts at forward for the team. I have heard from many people some bad things that are said about her in the community. Honestly, that does sadden me. But just another thing that I can't control so I won't even try.

If I can offer any advice to anyone, it would be to always remember who you really are. I mean deep down inside. Life changes, that's another thing you can't control. But you can control how you react to those changes. DBing concepts can carry over to many facets of life. So while I wasn't successful in saving my M, I am proud of the person I am. I have learned so much about myself and relationships and love. I am better for it. That's what DB did for me. Strength and Honor was a DB mantra for me. Now it's a way of life. I use it all the time.

God Bless all of you. Continue your journey. Fight through the pain as fast as you can. It's a process and it has to happen for you to heal. Once you do, you will be attractive. If not to your WAS, then to someone else, most importantly yourself. I'm proud of everyone here. You're all here fighting for your families, or helping someone in that battle. How amazing is that? Tough times don't last, but DBers do.

Was watching one of my favorite movies the other night. Had to share a line from it with everyone. I'm sure you'll recognize it.

"Andy Dufresne, who crawled through a river of sh!t and came out clean on the other side".

For Andy it was 500 yards, the length of 5 football fields. For me it was 2 1/2 years.


Strength And Honor.


Mules

[courageous wife]

mulesqb-I have not read any of your posts until this one today. You sound like a wonderful Dad who loves his boys and you are all going to be just fine. Congratulations!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Man, what an awesome, inspiring, tear-and-goosebump-inducing post that was, Mules.

Score it? Hell, I'll give you a "10," buddy. Or better yet:



You've come a long way from Costanza.

Strength and Honor, indeed,

Puppy

P.S. Congrats to S15 on the sports success! It's always even more satisfying when it follows adversity, ain't it??

[Coach]

You've come a long way from Costanza.

My favorite nickname was "Futonboy."

Glad you handled it Mules. Your boys are blessed. Strength and Honor.

Cheers
Coach

[mulesqb]

mulesqb-I have not read any of your posts until this one today. You sound like a wonderful Dad who loves his boys and you are all going to be just fine. Congratulations!

Thanks CW! We are going to be fine. Life goes on, especially for the kids. I wish you all the best.

[mulesqb]

Man, what an awesome, inspiring, tear-and-goosebump-inducing post that was, Mules.

Score it? Hell, I'll give you a "10," buddy. Or better yet:



You've come a long way from Costanza.

Strength and Honor, indeed,

Puppy

P.S. Congrats to S15 on the sports success! It's always even more satisfying when it follows adversity, ain't it??

Puppy, LOL! I saw that Costanza episode about a month ago. Always makes me think of this place.

Can't tell you how much you helped through all this. You are an incredible person the way you religiously visit here and try to help everyone through such trying experiences. And you're damn good at it. Definitely a DB guru.

Thanks for the kind words. So greatly appreciated. What a road. I had heard that when it finally becomes official you are hit with sadness. I really didn't get that. I feel relieved it's finally over. The way mine went down, it was hard to feel remorse. I guess the purpose of my post was for people that feel so terrified of the worst outcome. I remember that feeling. I want everyone to know that you will be ok, no matter the outcome. If you know that early on, it may help you detach earlier and avoid some classic pursuing.

Thaks also about my son. I'm so fricking proud of him right now.

I hope you are well.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[mulesqb]

You've come a long way from Costanza.

My favorite nickname was "Futonboy."

Glad you handled it Mules. Your boys are blessed. Strength and Honor.

Cheers
Coach

You know when I move, that futon is getting shipped down South.

Coach, you will always be my bro! Thanks so much for everything, to you and your lovely wife. You guys are family. I'm so happy to know you guys, and so proud of you two. But honestly, i am rooting for a Cowboy/Saint playoff matchup just to see if you guys can handle it!

[Greek]

i am rooting for a Cowboy/Saint playoff matchup just to see if you guys can handle it!

"I can handle it!"

Hey there, Punk! Proud to know you! And you are correct - we are family. Give my love to the boys - esp. Jack Romo!

It's a New Life, sir. Make the MOST Of it!


Cheers, friend!
Greek

[mulesqb]

i am rooting for a Cowboy/Saint playoff matchup just to see if you guys can handle it!

"I can handle it!"

Hey there, Punk! Proud to know you! And you are correct - we are family. Give my love to the boys - esp. Jack Romo!

It's a New Life, sir. Make the MOST Of it!


Cheers, friend!
Greek

Thanks Greek! Boys ALWAYS ask about you guys. Always. At least once a week. Especially during football season.

I will never forget the support you and Coach gave to me. Especially the text that you sent to my XW. Her reaction to it really showed a lot to me.

Thanks again for all that. So glad that you are here helping guide people. You have so much to share that can help.

And you are right. It is a New Life. Kind of surreal having that. But that's why we wake up every day, right?? Otherwise this place would be pretty boring. I completely intend to make the most of it.

Thanks, Punk!

Mules

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I will never forget the support you and Coach gave to me. Especially the text that you sent to my XW. Her reaction to it really showed a lot to me.

OK, now you can't just dangle that juicy little tidbit out there, and not expect us to ask . . .

DO TELL the details, Mules -- I want to hear this!!

Puppy