Hello Well its resentment has built up over the years. We have been married 21 years. She moved out of the house in 08-2008 and an affair moved in with him for alittle while leaving me(but not the kids) Right..leaving is leaving anyway she was briefly put in jail for a dwi driving back into town where i live. At that time the affair had been going on 3-5 months phone calls ect.. well its seems the OM went back to his wife. haven't reard from him since. She moved back in and back out again for a week or so. She had been hanging out with a GF who drank but that went to the wayside in less than 3 months. Then we all moved into a new place-alittle less room-now at this time she was still talking to OM which caused agruements off and on she moved out again this time its been 3 months. Before Christmas i wrote her a goodbye letter letting her know how she made me feel about the affair hwer moving lack of sex lack of love wanting me everything. Will post more later... Me 43/Wife 43 S/19 D/13 D/18 married Son in law 19 Grandboys 1year and a half and 1 6 months they live with me wife doesn't
Did you have any (boundaries) when you took her back? Were there ANY consequences (other than your arguments and disapproval) to her past infidelities?
My guess is that you've never learn how to set -- and enforce -- good boundaries for yourself.
Thanks working on the boundaries any advice on that one? It wasn't so much that i took her back as it was that circumstance brought her back. I don't remember her sitting down and ever trying to talk to me(being drunk and yelling is not the same) about the resentments over the years. She claims I just wanted her for sex and thats it. She also claims that is why she had the affair(BS). we have been married over 20 years so thats not it. I wrote her a goodbye letter before christmas and backed away but with her car problems(she has been getting a ride to work from me or our son(my car). I did get fed up with everything told since she wanted me out then i'm out no rides no nothing...She texted me later to say she would walk to work. She works 3am-11am-her job is 5-7 miles away from where she lives. I felt for safety reasons a ride to work is doing her a favor. I didn't put her down,cheat on her,hit her,use her for sex,so i am really having a hard time with this. I am going to councling, have read both books(DB-DR),read body language, Sex Starved, others... Due to her drinking over the years-she is dealing with 2 dui and thieft at her last job(Money missing over time snowballed She got blamed and now has to pay alot back through the court. She is behind on her payments-Probation-Restitutions and just receintly dodged a $600.00 warrent from July(2009). It was because of the agruement about the ride that the sex thing came out. I still want things to work but the reality is at this time she wants nothing to do with me unless it's helping her. More later...
Thanks working on the boundaries any advice on that one?
A good place to start is when a spouse has left, and lost your trust (evidence of infidelity), that -- when they want to return -- you say "Not so fast; I would love to have us back together, but I have decided that there are things that I need in order to feel safe again in the relationship."
And then you ask for "transparency." Which is a fancy way of saying that she shares her e-mail logins and passwords with you, also for her cellphone, and her cellphone bill gets detailed billing, with the bill coming to you, etc., etc.
When adultery is swept under the rug, and not dealt with, the recidivism rate is extremely high. It almost always happens again.
Thanks working on the boundaries any advice on that one?
Tell her she needs to make up her mind: stay or go but she can't have it both ways...coming back into your life when it's convenient for her and when she's "off" with the OM. Does the OM's wife know about the affair?
Originally Posted By: Fallen Knight
I still want things to work but the reality is at this time she wants nothing to do with me unless it's helping her.
And how do you feel about that?
The good thing is you realize that she's using you for her own gain.
Thanks for the reply: So far she says she needs time and i get the I don't know answer alot. I told her I don't like the holding pattern and I don't know doesn't cut anymore. i do agree with the sharing e-mails phone records etc.. I agree...When this all started she changed phone plans to have hers all to herself when before we were on the same plan and could see records on both phones. Late that long ago night when OM called her phone-I called him back on her phone- he told me it was a wrong number..Sorry...yeah right.. I checked her phone at that time and found he and she had called each other at least over 200 times during that month 08-2008. And again she does need to make up her mind: stay or go. I don't think OM is in the picture (in 11-2008) he left my wife and went back to his. and yes his wife knew but don't know for how long. And yes I do know she is using me and it really gets me angry to the point that one day i did blow up at her. I just got upset knowing that she doesn't seem to know that what she did was wrong I think she knows and I told her that the guy she had the affair with loved her so much that he cheated on his own wife to cheat with mine and he left and went back to her, and here she was back where i am not due to the fact she wanted to be here as it was she had nowhere else to go and that the choice was made for me and i didn't like it at all. I did tell her not to phone me just because the kids weren't answering their phones. i feel better about that anyway. the councler I talked to gave me a number to a lawyer and that it seems i am stuck in a holding pattern with my wife. I don't want a divorce but I don't know what else to do. I am working on myself: i have started running a 4th edition Dungeons and Dragons game in the local gaming shop(it's a role playing game). I do think that if i told her stay or go she would go and if i filed for divorce she probably sign the papers.
