MWD on divorce busting, from The Divorce Remedy

[TrentC]

MWD on divorce busting, from chapter one of The Divorce Remedy:

Or perhaps you are reading this because a divorce is about the last thing on earth that you want. In the pages that follow, I am going to spell out for you exactly what you need to do to reverse the downward spiral in your marriage. I will share with you everything I know about saving marriages from the brink of divorce. If you follow the seven-step program in this book carefully, it will be just as if you are in my office with me. You'll learn what you need to do to turn things around, how to evaluate your partner's responses and reactions, and what to do next. I will give you lots of examples of people who were in your shoes and how they rejuvenated their love. I will offer you the building blocks for change.

But I'm going to be completely honest with you.

First, you, not your spouse, are going to have to do the lion's share of the work here. Because your spouse is skeptical, at best, you are the one who is going to have to prove that life together with you can be different. You may not like the fact that this feels so one-sided, but for now, I say, "That's too bad." That's just how it is. Get used to this idea, swallow your pride and push up your sleeves.

Second, in Divorce Busting, I gave people the impression that change could happen overnight. It could and sometimes does. But, thanks to the feedback I've gotten from readers and clients, I now know that it usually doesn't. It takes longer. Look, it probably took years for your marriage to reach this point and repairing the damage will take time. If you are an impatient person by nature- when you want something, you want it now- you are going to have to work on yourself to slow down. I can offer you some tips about keeping calm when things seem at a standstill, but in this case, patience is more than a virtue, it's a necessity.

Finally, there are no guarantees. Sometimes, you can seven-step until the cows come home and it might not save your marriage. But I can tell you that unless you follow the steps in this book, you will never know for sure whether or not your marriage could have been saved. Right now, you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. People who follow the Divorce Remedy program felt better about themselves and more optimistic in general no matter what.

A brief synopsis of the seven steps of The Divorce Remedy:

Step Number 1: Start with a Beginner's Mind
Although age and experience can bring wisdom in some areas of our lives, it can also bring narrow-mindedness and shortsightedness -- we no longer question our assumptions and beliefs. We get set in our ways. For any recovery, it is essential that, before you do anything else, you empty your minds of what you think you know about doing marriage right. You don't, so start fresh.

Step Number 2: Know What You Want
Specific goals contain seeds for solution. Writing out your goals makes them more real and offers a baseline to which you can refer to in the days to come. Begin by listing 2 or 3 things you to change or improve about your marriage. Make sure that you list what you want in your marriage, not what's missing. Think action -- describe specific actions people will take to improve things. Think small -- each goal should be able to be accomplished within a week or two.

Step Number 3: Ask for What You Want
Share your thoughts with your spouse. If you think you've done this already, realize that when most people feel like they're requesting change, they're usually complaining, which is often met with resistance. Consider the timing -- make sure they're approachable -- and ask in a constructive way.
Note -- there might be so much tension between you that your spouse isn't about to do anything you ask. If this is the case, don't ask anything right now -- fast forward to step 4.

Step Number 4: Stop Going Down Cheeseless Tunnels
When we're unhappy in our marriages, we try something to fix it. If it works, great. If not, instead of trying something different, we simply keep doing more of the same, and become more emphatic about it. This will not only fail to eliminate the problems in your life, but you will actually make it worse - the very thing you do to solve a problem is what's actually prompting your partner to persist and escalate the annoying behavior. Many people see improvements in their marriage simply by committing to stop doing what hasn't been working.

Step Number 5: Experiment and Monitor Results
Improving your marriage is a trial and error process -- you experiment and watch the results. In order to become better at noticing how your approach to things creates change in your partner, keep a Solution Journal -- write down the challenging situation, how you handled it (solution-oriented approach), your partner's immediate reaction and their reaction several days later. Remember to stop going down Cheeseless Tunnels and continue only what works.

Step Number 6: Take Stock
On a scale of 1 to 10, state where your marriage was prior to starting the program, then do the same for where you are right now. Determine whether you are satisfied with your progression, or if you are not. If not, list one or two things you could do or that could happen that would bring your marriage up a half step on the scale (ie. 4.5 to 5). Remember that no marriage is ever perfect, and change can sometimes take longer than you'd like.

Step Number 7: Keeping the Positive Changes Going
If you want to stay in love with your spouse, you have to continue doing loving things every day -- you never get to the point where you can stop being thoughtful about how you treat your spouse. Realize that everyone gets off track from time to time -- conflict is inevitable. But what separates the winners from the losers in this game of life isn't the amount of failure people experience. It's the way in which winners handle the failure -- pick yourself up, dust off and get back on track.