I will be joining the party over here shortly...Nothing has been filed yet however the decision has been made...I see new faces and old faces and I am always thrilled to see you all...
Today I posted my "I'm done" post and I am going to transfer it over here as well...I need the reminder of how far I have come...
I am a talker and most of my journals, posts, threads are long (ok really long) so there is no offense taken if you don't want to hang around...
I will come to your thread and offer any support and all the hugs I can...
So I will see you all soon and look forward to new beginnings.
(((Hugs)))
Journal~Long
It has been almost 11 months since this journey started out.
11 months of heartache and tears.
Devastation and fears.
Anger and resentment have given way to a little peace and contentment.
Cake-eating, projection, blame-shifting, re-writing of marital history, demonizing me, financial ruin, children hurt, loss of self-esteem, loss of self-respect, ego deflated, more self-injury then I care to look back on, scared to move forward, can't move backwards, terrified of being stuck, confusion, disrespect, you name it and I have probably felt it.
I came here to DB in June - A little over 7 months ago...
I have found a wonderful community of people...
People in the same position as me, who while in their pain, choose to help others instead of partaking in their own pity parties.
I choose to be one of them.
I thought a lot last night over the last 11 months...
I thought a lot of the advice and wisdom given to me here as well as from my Pastor...
I thought about the "out" he speaks of...
I thought about my beliefs and whether I needed to adjust them...
The answer is yes I do and yes I have.
I still don't believe in divorce however I also don't believe in being abused and what my H has done to me and our boys is abuse no matter how you look at it.
It is emotional and mental abuse and now we can add financial abuse.
After a long night of thinking and praying and searching, I have come to the conclusion (98% - since I need to talk to my Pastor once again) that I am filing for a divorce.
I am no martyr nor do I want to be.
I have put up with an awful lot in the past year and my trials, troubles and tribulations have given me a strength I never knew I had, patience I never wanted and clarity I have been looking for.
I have increased my Faith like never before and now it is time for my new beginning.
I am no longer looking for that with my H - He may wake up one day and realize what he has done however I am now done.
People kept telling me I would reach a breaking point and I stood firm, a little piece of me still in disbelief that this is the man I married, but to take from our kids is not something I can allow.
I took my rings off this morning & I removed the suffocating guilt I wear around my neck, I looked to the sky and asked for a little more strength for the days ahead.
As for my beliefs, I still believe in love, I still believe in hope, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, I believe in having honor in all you do, value for yourself above all else, morals you can live with each and everyday...
I believe everyone should live with beliefs, common decency, ethics, goodness, honesty, honor, integrity, principles, standards & values.
I am learning to believe in myself again and I have learned that unconditional love is the most painful love there is.
I will continue to forgive and I will continue to look forward. I never wanted to live in the past and my H seems to think the past is better then the future. My present and my future are a million times better then my past and I chose to no longer look back.
My blessings are out there somewhere and I am going to find them...
Today I no longer settle for silver - Today I am looking for gold.
Will it be easy?
I doubt it but life was never promised to be easy...
Will there be tears along the way? -
Absolutely, but tears are a way to cleanse your soul.
Will I falter along the way?
That is a given however I have Him to pick me up and set me right again.
I will never be alone.
I will never be a doormat again to anyone on the face of this earth.
I will never walk on eggshells for anyone at anytime.
I will never allow a man to take so much from me again.
I will learn that I am worthy - And anyone who comes around is lucky to know me.
I will learn to nurture my self-respect and self-esteem and never allow someone else to do it for me.
I will continue to come here because I just love all you guys and if it wasn't for you all I wouldn't be here right now.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Hello Serenity13...what an honest and insightful post. I can see that you'll be able to help people here. Hopefully we can return the favors. You have a PMA and I hope you can keep it and have it grow even stronger. Sorry for the misery you've been through.
Sincerely, antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Lots of us new ones here since the new year. I am excited at the prospects of a new beginning.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Serenity - this post is absolutely beautiful. I needed to hear this tonight. I may move over to this forum soon as my D is looming. I look forward to reading your inspiring words again.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
I am happy to hear it was something you needed and I look forward to seeing more of you - (Gosh that is a sucky thing to say because none of us want to be here)
Well it is still nice to meet new people
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I've only ever goofed off around the boards w/you, and smiled every time. I saw this tonight, and thought... I want to get to know her better. Wow! What timing!
I read your initial post on this thread five times before starting to type. I have no eye make-up left on!!! (Sobbing!)
You are amazing, girlfriend!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
