still reeling from discovery

[Allen A]

Hi Susan. I am sorry all this has happened. I can't imagine the shock you went through when your computer got investigated.

There are a lot of questions I am seeing here, but your main ones seem to be :

1. What do I tell the children?
2. Could I have made this better?

I think its important to tell the children what AREN'T the reasons for your H's leaving.

The main problem here is, he speaks to them to. Are you aiming for keeping the same story on both your ends, or are you ok with telling them ONE thing while he tells them another?

I would make sure they know he loves them and he wanted the marriage to work. You can tell them it was him wanting to leave, but he will just tell them that you drove him away... I dont' see any gain to be made there.

I would stick to telling them things HE isnt' likley to contradict... if you CAN get to gether and make sure you BOTH tell them the SAME thing, that's best. AVOID ANY BLAME.

If you want your children to have respect for you and your H then you can't blame him for the failure.

LATER on in life if you want to share with them his affair and history that's your choice, but right now they are too young to process this safely.

----

Re his history and your marriage. It is really hard to make a marriage work. It's even harder when someone is secretly working to tear it apart. That's what affairs do... they are like an undetected cancer in your home... until its detected and treated, you can't expect to be healthy and should'nt blame yourself if its not.

This is a serious enough case that I think its best if you keep yourself and your chlidren away from him until he gets some treatment.

I have no issues with homosexuality. My issues are with your H engaging in romantic and sexual behaviour with people and NOT informing you. He is putting YOUR health at risk and in effect the safety of his family when he engages in casual sex this way.

Marriage was partly instutionalized to reduce spread of sexual disease.. if everyone is pared off and monogamous, sexual diseases aren't spread nearly as far. When a person does engage in casual sex AND doesnt' tell their spouse... I find this terribly wreckless, to themselves, their spouse, and their family.

You could both end up with a disease and your children would them be orphaned.. is that worth a casual afternoon of sex with someone? Hardly...

Until your H comes to grips with the dishonesty, the wreckless behaviour, and the impulse control probelms that are rooted in his not having control over his fantasizing your H is a serious danger to anyone in my opinion.

My guess is you aren't trained for the kind of extensive treatment he would need to get back to some semblance of normal. You need to decide if you want to be married to someone who will very likley spend the rest of their life in treatment and is at high risk of harming you OR if you think you can handle life independent of him. Its VERY hard being married to someone with serious addictions or disorders. Its impossible to be married to someone with serious addictions or disorders who refuses TREATMENT.

If he doenst want treatment, my opinion is that would sign you off on moving forward.

He may be a kind man, but the danger he is willing to put you through, and your children for such meager gains.. and ALL in SECRET... FORCING you to accept risks that you would NEVER agree to... is that worth it?

I can't imagine so. Whether you can tolerate his illnesses is one thing, but the bigger question is - are you willing to accept the risks to your safety that are necessary to engage him at all?

[SusanA]

Allen, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I think you understand my questions very well. Although the different orientation shook me up, my I have more issues with the deception, and also the blame shoved over onto me.
As for the kids, they are angry with him, especialy my teenage son. My daughter is slowly coming out of her shock of his leaving.

Every so often, I wake up in the middle of the night and start sweating about their safety with him. I know my children need their father, but occasionally worry I am being too naive.

My gut reaction is that he would never hurt them, because he loves them. But I've been wrong before -- my judgment of him for example. My counsellor's immediate reaction was concern for my son, then she seemed to alter that to a little worry about my daughter, but she advised keeping an eye on their moods,etc.

Counsellor also said he needed intense psychotherapy for years, but I doubt he'd admit there's anything much wrong with him. I still love my husband -- he has many good qualities and has been good to me in many ways. But he was also not very nice to me in many ways.

[SusanA]

PS It's not possible to keep the children away from him. Not legal. But they don't really like spending all that much time at his place. They love him -- in fact the intensity of their love is directly proportional, I believe, to the hurt and betrayal they feel about his going.

[Kelly23]

Hello Susan,
I am so sorry that you are here. Have you let your husband know that you are aware of all these past affairs? My D does know about the first affair, my husband's doing. My son does not know about either affair. I know how upset I was with an OW, I can not imagine the pain of knowing it was another man.
I think maybe your husband has gotten away with this behavior for so long that it has become his way of life. He could have the safety of your home and family and still run around and have his fantasy life also.

You are a better woman than me because I would have went on a rampage when I found out about the long history. Do you have the finances to take care of you and your children? Does your H live alone? When the children are with him,does he bring OW around?

[SusanA]

Hi Kelly,
To answer your questions, at the moment my h is in an affair with a woman (his bi-s activity was purely casual, not emotional). He denies any affair to his parents, his sister, me, his friends, etc. (except of course to his confidante(s) who is/are previous lovers!). Because he is the LAST person you'd expect to have this kind of secret life, exposing it would not have been easy, unless I trotted around with the evidence in my purse, passing it out willy-nilly.

As for my devastation, that happened 10 years ago with the first EA (the first I knew of, at least). I went through an incredibly tormented, anguished 2-3 year period, weeping in the middle of the night, paralyzed with grief, making behavioural changes. I pulled out of that, and started to GAL, and set better boundaries around what I would accept from while trying not to be nagging, bitchy, etc. It's possible my changing the codependent dance set him off kilter (he has major anxieties) and he started looking for emotional/sexual security in bizarre underground ways.

Since there "is no oW" my children don't know and haven't met her. Believe me, I've wanted to go on a rampage, but have held back because of my daughter especially. In counselling, she said she was confused over what her dad wanted, what he was looking for, because she's examined me and found nothing bad about me. I don't want her being introduced too soon, and then thinking this is what the ideal woman looks like/whom her dad wants. (Having read the emails between them, OW is like the others on this board -- controlling, a loose cannon, needing to set her hooks in some guy she THINKS is a pushover.)

My husband doesn't know I know, although he may have figured something out because my behaviour did a 180 -- from telling him the door is always open, to trotting off to the lawyer for a separation agreement, no longer signing emails with Love,. I have refrained because of concern over exposing my kids to this. SO I lay low, and wait, and watch them, to make sure things are ok.

I think you're right the behaviour has now become an entrenched habit -- possibly it was an addiction to romance/passion that turned into a sex addiction -- also a reason why I feel no jealousy toward this particular OW, since she doesn't have a clue what she's dealing with,.

[SusanA]

Is your husband back home? When he says he's done with OW, what kind of proof has he given? I've read these boards a lot, and from what I can see the way the men approach things is more successful because they are very focused with their plan, and they carry it out. We women tend to get sidetracked, either by our emotions, or by our attempts to look at all sides.

I wish I'd been a lot tougher ten years ago -- even counselling then with MWD's people said much the same.

[Kelly23]

Are you going to warn H about the separation or just have the papers delivered to him? If you think you might reconcile one day, I would tell H that you know about his past sexual behavior and if he gets help and faces his addiction, then you can talk about getting back together. Otherwise, you will be filing for D soon.
Do you worry about your children's safety when they are with him?

For my H, he is home but we live like roommamtes. I am waiting until my youngest graduates. I honestly do think H is not seeing anyone but it is too little too late. I have decided that I will not live in fear of the next OW. I can take care of myself and the kids financially once they are out of high school. H has already made plans to move to NY when we divorce. It is very lonely and at times I want to boot him out now but I will suffer to make sure the kids have both parents at least until they are on the way to college. I am too busy with them now anyway to be able to date.

[SusanA]

Hi Kelly,
He knows the separation papers are coming, because we already discussed what we should include in them. I think he was a little surprised that I took the initiative but he's prepared. Unless a miracle of transformation occurs with my h, or at the least a very serious attempt at psychotherapy, I honestly do not see us reconciling. He's been champing at the bit to get out of here for years, and I have allowed him to do as he wishes -- either stay or go -- so now he's out he won't come back.

It's sad how resigned you get to this, when your instincts are to fight for what's right. But after ten years or more, I'm just fine with him gone, and we'll be financially ok. I'm with you on te no energy for dating, tho. I also think it would only do harm with my children. (I say that as if they're lined up around the block!!!)

[Kelly23]

It is funny how after a while, it is just like 'whatever'. Just go!
I am proud of you for making the first move. I know it is tough.
Maybe one day we can have someone that loves us and does not cheat on us.

[Marked&Healed]

Tough decision, focus on yourself and your kids right now. I'm sorry I can't help other than to give support, and to say I hope you stay strong for yourself.