I've been lurking for some time now, and I think what I have figured out, though it has taken me a few months of reading, that my wife is a prototypical MLC W. I originally posted my case under "newcomers", and got a rash of people telling me that my wife is having an affair (something that I think may be possible, but I really don't think so... so if all of you could at least stick with that for now I'd appreciate it!).
Here is my basic situation:
HI to all.
I am in need of help and guidance.
Here is my story.
I'm 36. I've been married 9 years. I am still very much in love with my wife. We have twin 6 year old boys.
I just completed 9 years of training to become a heart surgeon. My wife was with me through all of that, raising the boys, often alone. I thought everything was ok. It was bascially like being in navy seal training for 9 years.
Well we move to our dream place, dream job and one month into in my wife tells me "not in love anymore, I'm numb." She has an opportunity 4 hours away to start a foundation for something that she has always wanted to do. She wants to go do it. I feel like it is the only chance we have and let her go. She takes the boys with her to a city 4 hours away to pursue this opportunity.
This was in september. So Oct-December she has been trying to get this foundation project off the ground that involves pediatric palliative care-- but it has not happened the way that she has hoped that it would. I of course knew it would not just happen, but it has been a source of sadness and frustration for her.
Over the last few months what I have noticed are all the signs that this is MLC. She has re-written our past. We had a lot of great times. We were best friends. But I was away a lot. For sure when I was home I was often decompressing from the pressures of my work at the hospital, which was grueling. When we had the kids I did not do a good job of helping her. So now she says things like "I am a failure". "You deserve someone better than me".. "If you loved me like you say you do you would have treated me differently". "All I wanted was a friend". "you abandoned me 10 years ago".
she is seeing a therapist who she loves. It is very emotional for her. she tells me that her father was never home, and they think that has a big effect on how she grew up-- feeling insecure and abandoned-- I did the same-- at least she feels that way.
It is a rollercoaster for sure. Over the holidays things were tough. She went down to the place where I did my cardiac fellowship and I met her down there. She took a road trip on her own, which is something she has never done before for two days (I know--some of you doubt she was on her own...but I really think she was...). I gave her the space she needed-- and on last wednesday she called me as I was driving down. I had written her an email the night before, quoting maya angelou-- about how people forget what you say or do but never forget how you made them feel... and how I understand how I made her feel. And how my goal for this year, at the very least, was for her to feel compassion, kindness and respect from me.
well she called and there was a softness in her voice I hadn't heard in a while... she told me how much that letter meant to her, and how she actually believed me (I have been bending over backwards the last 6 months, trying to show her I've changed, helping with the boys, cleaning-- all these things-- and I sincerely have). She wanted to meet me for a drink.
we had the drink, she gave me a hug, touched me on the leg... I had that hope.
the next day, she asked me about my job. well, my job is not working out (no work for me to do here), and I have the road paved to leave here and start a new job--- a good one-- in the town where she is. I did not want to bring this up, but she brought it up. BIG MISTAKE. I should have said "lets just discuss it after new years". I think I may have had a chance at something special that night... but we got to talking about it, and me potentially moving in-- and I'm sure all of you are shaking your head, since you know the MLCer doesn't need to hear something like that. She shut down, we had a nother R discussion that night and that was the end of the upswing on the roller coaster.
I watched the kids that night and she went over to her sister's bar to be with her mom... again I'm sure there was nothing else going on there.
Weird thing was she told me before she left that she was looking at me in the hot tub and she knows shes been a "bitch" but wanted to jump my bones there. she got a look in her eye I haven't seen in... I don't know.. years? we kissed, talked about maybe even hooking up.. and that was that.
drove up with her the next day, we had a little bit better day.
Stayed at my house the next night-- we slept with the boys, and the next morning I helped her get ready to go, packed, kept a happy appearance (I've been trying to DB and detatch lovingly) and sent her on her way.
she called 10 minutes later to thank me for helping her go. Then we texted back and forth about 60 times.
When she got to her town she called me because she wanted to share with me how beautiful it was there.
First texted me this am to tell me to take my flax seed (something we are doing together)... then 10 mintues later called me this morning to thank me for new tires we got, tell me the boys went off to school, and she had a happy day planned.
I one thing I have noticed, is when I back off a little, but am there lovingly and supportive, she comes back to me... but then when we talk about the future, us, any of that crap...it is like, as she said, "the wound being split open again".
I tried the going dark thing and given the fact that she feels I "abandonded her" and was "never available" I feel this is not productive. Much of the info on LBS with MLCers seems to corroborate this.
she has been crying a lot over the last few months, has very low self esteem, says she does not feel beautiful (even though she is absoultely drop dead gorgeous (men come at her all the time... she was asked to be a J Crew model.. things like that).
Jack-- I really like what you have written and you seem like you could be a help to me.
I honestly feel like I have a better understanding now of what is going on. I'm convinced, reading these posts, that she is in MLC.
You should not be so quick to discard the advice of Puppy. From reading your initial post in newcomers, I also had a suspicion about a possible OM involved. Also, the lies go hand in hand with affairs. What may seem like MLC to you could just in fact be the fog caused by another man in the equation.
but it has not happened the way that she has hoped that it would. I of course knew it would not just happen,
Have you always had this ?
It's okay to have a feeling about things, but did you really know ?
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about how people forget what you say or do but never forget how you made them feel... and how I understand how I made her feel. And how my goal for this year, at the very least, was for her to feel compassion, kindness and respect from me.
You are NEVER gonna talk your way out of something you ACTED your way into.....
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BIG MISTAKE. I should have said "lets just discuss it after new years".
Mistakes are only mistakes when you keep making them over and over.....
Insanity can be defined as doing the same things over and over expecting different results.
I.E.
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I one thing I have noticed, is when I back off a little, but am there lovingly and supportive, she comes back to me... but then when we talk about the future, us, any of that crap...it is like, as she said, "the wound being split open again".
You know that is a hot stove, don't touch it.....
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she has been crying a lot over the last few months, has very low self esteem, says she does not feel beautiful (even though she is absoultely drop dead gorgeous (men come at her all the time... she was asked to be a J Crew model.. things like that).
And what have you been doing ?
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I honestly feel like I have a better understanding now of what is going on. I'm convinced, reading these posts, that she is in MLC.
Only she will know that one day, but not now....
Okay, Bradley....
Look, I'm not tryin to get you all flustered here, just a few points to ponder about this. MLC is an ugly animal. Some can be tamed and some have to be cut loose.
Nothing YOU do right now can affect the outcome, but Everything you do now can affect the outcome.
This is HER MLC....not yours.
But it CAN be yours as well if you let it happen. Only without the confusion and other characteristics of MLC.
Take this time for you, and your children. Focus on them and yourself for now.
Really read the archives and resources and understand what this monster is about.
Realize that DBing isn't about saving your marriage per-sey. It is about saving yourself .
It is about finding the person that had gotten lost inside and buried underneath the old relationship, so that you can learn and strive to be a better person everyday.
THAT is what will make your next relationship more satisfying for you and your partner in that.
And maybe....just maybe....that next relationship can be with your wife.....
I know you don't want to hear it, but almost all MLCers have affairs.
Is that a deal breaker for you?
Most would say yes........until that monster rears its ugly head and growls at them.
Not everyone views an affair the same way.
For now ? Read the resources at the top of the page, and understand what is really happening around you and her.
Do not attempt to understand her reasoning....it could be as simple as the sky is blue today....
Look into that mirror and understand your role in this, cause you did have one.
Did you now? Could she tell you felt that way? I am not saying you are...but it seems like there is an ammount of smugness coming off that.
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I one thing I have noticed, is when I back off a little, but am there lovingly and supportive, she comes back to me... but then when we talk about the future, us, any of that crap...it is like, as she said, "the wound being split open again".
You noticed that, so you should heed that. When she is around you have the opportunity to shine. Not act, by the way, but to shine in your changes, the ones for you not her. You bring up the R, and she goes away, doesn't get to see them.
MLC (to me) = some sort of trauma in their childhood that they couldn't cope with as a child and presto chango...they do it later (now) AND confusion aout what they want.
About Affairs.
Bradley. the number of LBS posters here whose MLC spouse had an affair...emotion or physical is high enough to suggest that you prepare for that news coming out. If she is having an affair or did, you will know shortly afterward if you can deal with it. Its like asking how you would respond to your dog talking to you, until it happens you don't know.
Puppy is a little more...blunt about it.
Mach is also right in this.
Look into the mirror and see your faults, kill the ones you don't like. REALLY kill them. Become better.
The real success here aren't those that save their marriage. They are the ones who improve themselves and become better for it, let me say those people...they are the ones who's new relationships...either with their spouse or someone new will not fall into these waters again.
Done right DBing is a relationship way of life, not a quick fix.
Last,
Congrats on becoming a cardiac surgeon. Really, that is awesome.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I can see what you mean about the "knew it wouldn't happen" comment. all I meant by that is that she seemed to think the foundation would come together quickly-- but I thought it would take longer.
I am definitely working on these things.. but its like I'm in a vacuum. I'm here, in a town with no friends, and a job that is not going to work out-- after 4 years of med school, 9 years of residency and marriage... and it is all pretty much gone... I'm fairly devastated, to say the least.
Friendship like love come when you least expect them, and you get what you give. Hell some of my better friends I couldn't stand at first. : )
Where in the world are you?
I live in Anchorage, but about 99.99999997 of the other DBers live in the lower 48 and they apparently get together and crap like that.
I could say I live at 1313 Mockingbird lane and not have to worry about a stakler showing up here unless it was a seal. I don't by the way.
No current co-workers or family nearby?
What is keeping you there then? The job? Is it a contract?
On the possibility of a job in the same city as your wife, I will say this. Do NOT screw yourself over trying to please her. She won't appreciate it and you need to be able to provide as well. Being closer to your kids? Man, NOTHING would prevent me from doing that. You do not and I am certainly not suggesting living in the same house, apartment building or even neighborhood...and really you likely wouldn't want too.
But if there is a job there AND its in the same city as your 6 year old boys...her 'inpedendence' would be right above what the horoscope said as a factor in that decision...none at all.
6 years old...man that is the good time to be around. : )
Simply said.
"I got a job in XXXXXXX I'm going to be closer to our boys."
Make it about them and not about her or you. And really she doesn't get a say. But if you do you need to stay away. Seriously.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
