Is there ANY hope? Looking for a glimmer...

[Heinrich]

Right up front let me say that I was a terrible husband, especially the last 2 1/2 years of our marriage. This is mainly because I had a real problem that quickly consumed me. It was an addiction to internet pornography which quickly became a sex addiction. I was mainly involved in spending money at "massage parlors" with women there for favors.

I spent a lot of the family's money. My wife caught me, I confessed everything and she was just about as wonderful and understanding as a wife could be. She agreed to help me IF I WOULD GET HELP, and I did get help.

For about 1 year everything was fine with my addiction (going to my 12 step meetings, seeing a therapist, talking to my sponsor, etc) I stayed on the straight and narrow.

With 20/20 hindsight I know now that becoming "sober" from this addiction was almost like a full time job in and of itself. However, in addition to putting in the work to become sober, I took on a part time job ( a second job). I did this because of my spending of our money on things I shouldn't, I had put us in debt and I worked the extra job to get us out of debt. (Felt like it was the right and responsible thing to do.)

All of this "work" just made it almost impossible to do the really important work that needed to be done to repair the wounds to my marriage.

So, this past May (2009) I found out that my wife was having an affair with a man she met on craigslist of all places. Their relationship had already developed and it progressed at what I would call an unhealthy speed to where we/they are now.

My wife filed for divorce and that divorce is set to be finalized later this month (Jan. 2010) or early Feb. My wife has moved in with this new man, whom she has only known for about 7 months, and she has moved our boys in to his house as well.

She is just not acting like the person I knew for 9 years of our marriage. This is not the kind of irrational thing that she would have ever done.

She says its over. I should move on. She has never been happier. She says that she and this guy have a deep connection that I could never understand. She agrees that I made positive changes but I made them too late.

My therapist asked me some interesting questions. She asked how soon after they met did they sleep together? How soon after they met were they saying 'I love you' to one another. How soon were they making plans to live together and or get married? The answer to these questions in short is "...not very long at all."

Sex? after about 3 dates. I love you? about one month after meeting. Plans to live together or get married? About 1 month after meeting.

My therapist saw all of these things as HUGE red flags but not red flags that would prohibit them from moving forward and possibly even getting married. They are just not good, solid signs for their relationship and its future.

DON'T FORGET we have two little boys involved here too. An 8 and 6 year old. I feel like they are being dragged through my wife's "fairy tale" ride because they really have no choice. I fear for their stability, if, and likely when, this relationship or marriage fizzles.

Oh, one more red flag. The man she met and is now with had not yet filed for divorce from his wife when he met my wife although apparently they had discussed divorcing. He filed for divorce from her one month after meeting my wife and their divorce was final in late June.

IF he were to marry my wife, this would be his third marriage. Not a great track record. (I think I would be a bit more cautious after two failed marriages about rushing right into a third marriage but... maybe I'm TOO cautious, I don't know.)

So I am worried about my wife, her decision making and the consequences of her decisions. I am worried about my children and what they are being put through and I am very sad that it appears that my wife will divorce me.

What the future holds? I don't know. It may be sad and even pathetic to say this but I still hold out hope for my wife and me as a couple and as a family. She is the love of my life and I just have to let her go her own way at this point.

I'm looking for any advice, encouragement or rays of hope that any of you may have. Don't be afraid to be brutally honest!

God bless all of you

[dday101798]

Heinrich,

I'll give you some hope my friend. As long as you do what you need to do for yourself, not her, I know easier said than done, there is always a chance.

My sitch, similar in own right, we fell apart for about the same duration of time (seems common). My (x)W was going through a hard time with the death of her mother and acting out, and all I could do was sit back and crack open one too many cold ones every dang night until, poof, she was gone, like yours, "new" man, new life, up and took the boys without a care in the world, "they were gonna make it and be so happy".

Hash through a nasty D and everybody's lives turned upside down, and things work their course. Your W has a daily reminder everyday in the look of your children's faces of what's going on. All the good things you do/did come back to light and all the sudden, you're not so bad afterall, nor was the M and the whole "new" way was all wrong.

That's where I'm at. D'd, but with an (x)W whose bound and determined to get everything back together that that 'new' life just couldn't amount to. We're doing well in my opinion, but it's not easy, know that. You simply need to let her go and all the issues you may have along with her. Again, easier said than done, but If you would have asked me if I'd be where I am now a year and half, year or couple months ago, I would've said no way.

[Jeff72]

dday, what'd you do? please look at my post on page one and let me know what you think. Sounds like you have some real advice to give. Thanks!!