Well guys, I am truly a person who learns best when I can actually feel for myself what is happening. For the past couple of weeks I have really been learning about affairs, why they start and what they do to your brain. All along in my situation I had known of the OM and that something was up. Honestly, I do not think that my W even knew she had OM until a couple of months ago when I called her on it.
First a little background info. A couple of months prior to the bomb is when I began to think something was going on. A new CEO had started at her work and she would come home talking about how he said she did such a good job there and other compliments. She would also say things like "OM moved his office by me and asked me "do you think everyone will start talking about us?"" I had other clues such as her pulling away, our not finding much joy in the things we usually like, and general distancing in sex and conversation. There was additional clues like her working much longer hours and going to events after work with her co-workers. At the time, their was a major shake up going on at her work and they were in the process of firing the CEO. She was also taking a online financing class (other man was also taking the class). So with all of this going on, I stepped back, allowed her to have her time with her co-workers and OM to get some of her stuff figured out.
One of the biggest clues that I missed dealt with her talking about affairs in an acceptable light. She began to say that her friend/ co-worker says "everyone has an affair". I told her that I don't and that I have absolutely no desire to. She would hang out with this person more (this person had had multiple Pa's, an EA and had just gone through a borderline D path with husband (my guess is that she would have went D if her OM hadn't dumped her and she also found out her H had a couple encounters of his own) and this became one of our main discussion topics. Anyhow, the foundation was laid for her to go towards this path. (IMHO this was all completed in her subconscious)
Fast forward through my sitch, initially I pursued and pushed her away. She did have a moment of reconcilliation that I squashed when I completely flooded her with my love and scared her right back. (in hindsight, I am glad that wasn't the end, because I hadn't changed yet and that our relationship would have been set up for failure once again). About 7 weeks into it, I began to detach, and was not very kind to her because I needed my space. This pushed her right towards OM as they began discussing their dissatisfaction with their marriages. I could feel it immediately. This was the true fear of loss that made me change.
So as our journey continued, we grew farther and farther apart. I heard all the typical WAW language. The kids are resilient, I want to be happy, You are this, this and that. I don't need that anymore. Lately it has been "i never loved you. This comment finally let me know that the affair had reached "raging" stage.
So, I decided that I really need to figure out what I am up against here. First I start with stats. Only 10% of Affairs lead to marriage. Of them 70% will end in divorce. figure in 1/2 percent long term separation and that only 1/2 of marriages are truly happy. There is a 1.5% chance that this is really a guy she could be happy with. Love is not built on lies and deceit. This is the forbidden fruit. Eat it and prepare for the consequences. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is. Well none of this matters, it is nice for me to know, but does nothing else.
getting a little long winded, so I am going to break it up
me 31 her 31 ilybinilwy 10-2-09 i moved out 12-13-09 boy 7 girl 3 boy 16 months
So, I would consider myself of a very strong mind. Combine that with my knowledge of affairs, how they don't last and how they make you make poor choices. I am affair proof right? I had to see for myself.
The EA
talking about my situation, how I feel, what I stand for, ect. ect. I begin to feel the pull. The power is like a magnet sucking me right in. I want to stop, I know it is wrong, but I am powerless. The excitement is too much for me. I crack, I end up kissing her at the end, and I don't want it to stop there, but I know that it has to. Now this EA was with a person that I find attractive, but in absolutely no way see as a match, or "marriage potential". I leave the situation and immediately know that it has to end it in my mind.
What comes next is the kicker. I ended it, it is done forever. My brain has just experienced a thrill like never before and I just told it to stop because it's not right, but it feels sooooo right. Immediately my head begins to swell. I literally cannot process anything for 1/2 hr. I hear people talking but cannot concentrate enough be able to make sense of anything. For the next 2.5 hrs my head hurts and I am not normal. Put that in retrospect, the ending of my 5 minute affair has destroyed me for the next 2.5 hrs.
Affairs- new, exciting, sinful, infatuation, lust, desire. Roll that into one. I understand why my wife never thinks she loved me. The combination of all these feelings produced something way more powerful than the real love that I have ever felt for my wife. Affairs are most certainly addictions. I have been addicted to gambling and tobacco in my life, yet they didn't control me the way my 5 minute affair did. I was able to quit my addictions, only when I decided they were causing me too many problems and they were negatively impacting my life. People told me to stop, and I did for a time, only to fall back into the addiction. I ended them for good when I wanted too, I promised myself that I would never do them again in my life and I will not fail.
I have learned that the brain cannot decipher between real and fantasy. Now it is easy for all of us to talk about our SO who are in affairs how they are living in a fantasy world and sooner or later reality will set in and everything will crash for them. This is true that almost all will end without the promise that they started with. Most of the time they end when it is too late to reconcile, or the OP has moved on and shut the door. Yet their are still others that have it end, only to go find another and get that "high" again.
Well that's my story for the day, I hope you all can learn from this and realize what you are truly up against here. We honestly don't compare to what our SO are dealing with, how could we? If your SO is in a Affair, work on yourself and let them go, give them to god and hope that he can show them the way before it is too late. Do not consume yourself with it, for it will just hurt you and cause you pain and interrupt what your goals in life are.
Move on, educate yourself and enjoy your life. Pray, if it was meant to be it will happen for you. If reconciliation doesn't happen, then you will find something better out there, but only if you allow yourself to be free.
Don't follow your feelings, follow your heart because it knows right from wrong. Very true, but much easier said than done. Take it from a guy that knows first hand.
me 31 her 31 ilybinilwy 10-2-09 i moved out 12-13-09 boy 7 girl 3 boy 16 months
My friend is going through the same [censored] as many of us with a WAW. His wife had a pa at work and he had been pursuing, begging.. ect. for the past 6 months. He finally went to an ic and really found himself again. he got set up on a blind date and they hit it off very well. I talked to him 3 weeks ago and he couldn't stop talking about his new woman and how far out of his league she is. He said the next day after he fell for his new girl, his wife told him that she could feel he was gone and immediately changed her tune. she began to beg for him back, threaten to kill herself, tried to hurt him. (this was also combined with her affair partner decided not to leave his wife). he told me he had heard the typical [censored] "i don't love you and i don't know if i ever did, ilybinilwy, i'm done, we're too different. after meeting his new gf, my buddy said he would never go back to his wife. she still is begging for him back every day. just a funny story on how powerful the fear of loss is.
me 31 her 31 ilybinilwy 10-2-09 i moved out 12-13-09 boy 7 girl 3 boy 16 months
