Help, sorry I put this in a couple different forum

[mb28]

I finally made it one day without contacting H. It was so hard, I keep trying to come up with excuses in head to call, email or text him, but I stopped myself. I hope that I will have the same success today. I had to change my goals last night; they were just not specific enough. Originally, my main goal was to have him move back in. Now I've changed it to him calling me for something other than the kids, house, or divorce talk. I am hoping that with me not contacting him, it will happen in the next week or so. About 2 weeks after our separation, I had to have surgery on my broken leg, and was out of it, so I didn't contact him for 2 days. Then, he finally called me and asked me to go with him to his company Christmas party. At the time, I just thought he asked me so that he wasn't the only single one there. Now I have to hope that it was because I didn't push for those couple of days. Unfortunately, after that I pushed clear until this Friday.

I know everyone’s periods are different, but I wonder how long it will take him to respond to me not contacting him. As I said before, I'm a very inpatient person, so I'm learning pertinence the hard way! Being in limbo is the worst part of all of this, I just wish he would throw me a bone (-:

Here is a sample of some of the stuff he said to me last time we texted back and forth. I know we are not supposed to believe everything we see or hear, but was hoping someone could give me some insight into what he said so I can try to make sense of some of it. I’m still looking at it emotionally I would love a rational opinion:

H: I can not handle this. I have no life no home nothing. i have the kids and that is all.
Me: I'm sorry, But you have me too!!!!!
H: I don’t
Me: I know you feel that way right now, but I promise you, I am here for you no matter what.
H: I thought alot last night and I am so alone. but im not doing this again I cant. I feel like u have crushed me and I feel we should move on. this playing in limbo is hurting more
Me: I'm sorry I can't move on )-: I love you to much to let you go. This limbo is killing me too. All I'm asking for is just a little bit of time togther.
H: when I think about how I feel I know in my heart I cant do it you want me to stay and we can pretend is that what u want. u say I can get over it but u do nothing to help all u do is push me away u r still trying to control me
Me: What can I do to help you? I don't want to keep pushing,
H: let go
Me: I'm sorry that you feel I'm controlling you, that is not what i want to do. I'm just asking for some time with you. Just a few weeks
H: I can not do it anymore I need an identity. I cant My heart hurts I start to forgive then u piss me off again it will never work. Im alone now and lost and the only thing I can do is find my place
Me: From this point I will leave you alone. Just know that I do love and care for you deeply, and my heart aches for you every minute of every day.
H: all think of is the kids this is hard on them we need to get consistency in there lives. and I need it. i tried and tried to work it out u wouldnt listen u where cold and mean and I cant come back from the place I have been put. I have lost my world. I have been rejected and now u want me to come back for more

Together 16 years
Married 12 years
Kids D9 & S6
Seperated 12/3/09

[givingitmyall]

mb,

I don't know the full story behind you sitch, and I don't recall seeing your thread before. But, it sounds like you are holding on when you need to let go. Who knows where that will end up, but I can almost guarantee that the harder you grasp, the more he's going to run.

So, LET GO. You have NO CONTROL over him or his decision. He sounds quite lost too, from your post. You need to focus on yourself, change what needs changing, then live those changes. Maybe he notices, maybe not. Out of you control.

If you let him go, that is the only way he will have teh space and time to sort himself out.

[mb28]

givingitmyall,
Thank you for replying. I know that is exactly what I'm supposed to do, but doing it is the hardest. One day at a time!!

[mb28]

I was told to try to keep my stitch in one thread so that it will be easier for others to follow. I like this forum because we are separated. Therefore, here is a copy of what I originally posted in the Newcomers forum:

I'm a newcomer, so I thought I should post my story here. My husband has been out of the house for 4 weeks now. I have asked him to come home several times, but he refuses. He went to 2 marriage-counseling sessions and at the 2nd one he said he had made up his mind that he is done. In addition, wants to put the house up for sale right away. If you had asked me 3 months ago if my marriage was in trouble, I would have said no way. The arguing came on fast and hard and within a 2-month period he's out. Lots of stress, but we handled it well until I broke my leg in Sept. In Oct he went on several hunting trips. I started suspecting that he was having an emotional affair because of text's and emails. I confronted him and he said they were just friends. The problem is I became obsessed with checking on him and pushed him further away until we were arguing all the time. He wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong, but I wanted to fix it. Therefore, we came to a standstill and I asked him to move out. What a mistake. So now, I am trying the last resort technique, but I am having such a hard time sticking with it. We have two kids, so we see each other often. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Together 16 years
Married 12 years
2 kids ages 9 & 6
Seperated 12/3/09

[mb28]

Here is another post I made in the LTC forum:

Hello,
I'm not being very successful at staying with the LRT. I am not known for being a patient person. I know I should be doing this for myself, but I still am hoping that doing this will bring H back.
I tried several times (email, text, phone calls) to get him to stay for my New Years Eve party, but it didn't happen. Then the next day I tried several attempts to get him to come over and watch a movie with me, again unsuccessful.
When he does come over, it always ends in R talk )-: With him telling my I've hurt him so bad, he does not think he can ever come back for fear I will do this again. By the way, he is talking about me telling him, I wanted him to leave 4 times in the last 4 years. I tried to explain, that those were said out of anger. I tell him that now that I know how he felt, rejection, I would never do that again. When I tell him I love him now more than ever, he tells me that he does not think I really love him.
I'm still not sure if there is an affair or not. Nevertheless, whatever is going on with him, it's as if he is very depressed, maybe MLC.
I keep trying to come up with excuses to contact him. I can't help myself, even though I can tell it is pushing him further away. Even my therapist tells me I need to stop pursing him. Can anyone offer advice on how to control my emotions, so I stop this pursing behavior?

[givingitmyall]

mb,

Not trying to push you away from this forum, but you will get a lot more views and responses in Newcomers. I still post over there and here as well.

Here is a list of do's-don't's I copied from Sandi, another poster here. Some may not apply to you, but it is pretty helpful, sort of like a DB'ing cheat sheet:

WAW Do’s/Don’t’s
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[MHL]

mb28,
Welcome to the forum. Thanks for the post on my thread, just caught up on yours. Let me say I think you have a lot of positive things going on in your sitch, and if you start doing the right things NOW, you will make progress but the first thing you got to know is this will take time, longer than you think.

Remember, the clock is ticking now on that time, every time we backslide and make a mistake, we kinda reset that clock back to zero. SO don't give up any more ground. I tend to look at and find the positives in my sitch and others, it helps me keep a PMA and be hopeful.

Positives in your sitch is that he is admitting to you that he feels lonely or is all alone, and he is communicating his feelings to you. This is so important. Validate his feelings, agree with him, when he says things like
"u say I can get over it but u do nothing to help all u do is push me away u r still trying to control me"
you could respond,
"I understand why you feel that way, I have been controling in the past"
then shut up let him talk, the more he shares his feelings with you the better. This is coming from a controller and I did not even realize it. It comes across in the little things we say or the way we say them.

The other positive is that he is trying to forgive you already he texted:

"I cant My heart hurts I start to forgive then u piss me off again it will never work."

Forget the "it will never work" part. Focus on the forgive part there is the positive. Watch your every word, lots of validation needed here, he is right even if at your core you feel he is wrong. Obviously you have read DR, so I assume you are a reader, try to find a book on stopping your controling behavior, I know there is one out there, I just can't think of the title right now. I can say this, the way you phrase things makes a big difference. When you communicate with him do not say things like "you need to do...." or "Just spend some time with me and...." or "What can I do to help...". You can't do anything other than let him be for now.

Hang in there, it will get better.

[LolaL]

MB I was the Queen of backsliding. The stories I could tell...

Missherlove has some great suggestions, as does givingitmy all.

Now, I want you to know this situation is not going to be resolved overnight. It will take months, even possibly years. You MUST be ready for that. I heard many of the same things that your H is saying to you. And I have been doing this for 2 1/2 years. It is only now that I can talk to my H w/o expecting anything.

There are no guarantees, but you will have a better chance if you really listen. You want to blow up? Do it here. Write a letter and post it here. Say all the things you want to say to your H here.

Just don't say them to him. When it comes to your H, you are Ms. Cool as a Cucumber.

Now you may think he will think that you don't care. That's okay. Let him. Because when you tell him you love him and care for him, that is where he is feeling controlled.

for now, you have to let him go.

Focus on you. It is easier said than done, but if you put it into practice, it does get easier.

Find a counselor. Trust me, they are great for teaching detachment, and venting your frustrations.

If he calls, don't answer the phone. Wait a half an hour before returning the call, and sound busy. He will wonder what you are up to...

[mb28]

Givingitmyall
Thanks for the list, it really helps to read this over and over again. I think I will look at this every time I get the urge to contact him. I will also take your advice and keep my posts to the Newcomers forum. I'm on day 3 of not contacting him about us at all. I did have to call him last night, but it was only about something to do with the kids. It's been 2 days sense I've cried, so it does seem to get easier. I will have to see him Tuesday night, but only for a minute. I plan on just saying "hi" & "bye" and nothing else, unless he starts a conversation.

[mb28]

missherlove

Patience is not one of my strong points, but I am learning to have it. Thank you so much for giving me feedback on the texts conversation I had with H. I was just focusing on the negative, and will now try to focus on positive. Per the suggestion of another member, I’m going to keep my posts on the newcomer forums, so it is easier for people to follow.