Almost a month ago my husband(age 39) told me that he was leaving me and proceeded to pack some clothes and walked out. We have been married 9 1/2 years, together total for 12 1/2 years. We have two children, ages 2 and 6. I was blindsided with his announcement on leaving and I immediately started to beg and plead and he told me it didn't matter, that he no longer loved me. He left that afternoon, but promised he would come back the next day and we could talk, but told me that I needed to get on board about moving on because we were finished. The following day he came back to talk and after him repeatedly telling me he no longer loved me and me crying my eyes out and begging him not to do this, I finally calmed down and asked if he had anything to say. Long story short, I finally got some explanation. Every negative thing I have ever said or done he seems to have bottled up for the past 5 years and it all came exploding out. He also proceeded to tell me numerous times that he no longer loves me and that I have made him feel so horrible that he has even considered shooting himself. I have issues with depression and the past 6 months or so it has been really bad, to the point that I have let the house go and every bit of energy I do muster to find is focused on my kids, I have neglected my husband alot over the years and have taken my frustrations and stressers out on him. I'm not proud of it, but it's what happened. However, at the same time, my husband is no innocent, he has done his fair share of things to me as well and has not been there for me like I feel I deserve as well. Yet, I knew one of us had to be the bigger person and I took the blame completely, even though it hasn't done me much good. However, I started counseling immediately for myself. I would love my husband to join me, but I know that's not happening right now, so I figured if I at least got myself into counseling maybe he would join me in time or at the very least it would help me get throught this difficult time.
I probably should back up a bit. My husband is National Guard and was deployed to Iraq for 14 months in 2003-2004. Our first son was also born during his absence and in fact our son was 8 months old by the time my husband finally returned. Things have been up and down with us ever since his return home. I have always suspected he has had a slight issue with PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder). We managed to get through the first couple years after he returned home, however in the spring of 2007 one of his best friends committed suicide after his return from his 2nd deployment. My husband hit rock bottom at that point and things got bad fast, he was angry, for the first time ever in our relationship he pushed me during an argument to the point that I bounced off the bed and hit the wall, I also had bruises on my arms from where he had grabbed me. He has never again touched me like that, and in fact the day he walked out on me he brought up that incident and said we were no good for one another, that I had pushed him to the point that he got physical with me(he wanted to leave to cool off that night and I wouldn't let him). Which really surprised me to even hear him bring it up because I thought we had dealt with the situation years ago and had moved on, but I guess the whole thing still bothered him. Ever since that point though he has been distant, some times more then others, some times he's fine. I have noticed he's been seriously withdrawn since September though and it has only become worse over the months. I just had no idea it had got to the point of him leaving. And what bothers me the most is he won't even consider us working on this marriage. He's willing to throw all these years we have had together out the window. I just can't wrap my head around him no longer loving me. We were able to get away for a night back in August, with no kids, first time away with no kids over night in 5 years. The way he looked at me, was how he used to look at me when we first were dating, and I know he loved me then. I just can't see how he could fall out of love with me since only August.
Now coming to the present. The first few days after he left(he's sleeping on a friend's couch in this guy's basement by the way), you could see he was uncomfortable around me. However, once we got past those first few days, everything seemed almost normal. Meaning he was acting like my best friend, talking to me and sharing his day with me, coming over for dinner almost nightly, and things really didn't seem all that different from before he left, in fact he was talking to me more now then he did when he lived here. The day before Christmas I decided to confront him about the relationship, yes, I know, bad idea. Well, the whole thing backfired on me, he said he didn't feel any differently about us and that it took everything in him some days to even come over and be around me and the only reason he was doing any of what he had been doing was for the kids. I begged him to go to at least one counseling appointment with me and at that point he stormed out the door. However, the very next day he came back to spend Christmas with us and acted like our argument the night before never happened. Since then we have fallen back into the friendship role thing we had going on before I brought up the relationship. And in fact he was snowed in here with us over the weekend, and besides us not sharing a bed at night and just knowing we are seperated, it was like how things were before he left. I did kind of push again earlier in the week by texting him and asking if he wanted to go out to dinner since my Dad had the boys for the night, he never responded, so I just let it go. However, he did spend New Years with us, spent some time with us last night and again was here most of the day watching our youngest because I wasn't feeling well. He's been more then eager to jump on doing things for me, which I'm not sure what to think either. He's taken off work repeatedly so I could attend therapy appointments, when we were together he never would have done that.
I've been reading alot on midlife crisis, and I'm almost convinced this is what he's dealing with. Anyone else agree or disagree? The whole blaming everything on me, he won't take blame for anything at this point. Also him not wanting to even try to work on this marriage, and many other things just seem to fall into the midlife crisis. I actually wonder if he didn't start the whole midlife crisis back in 2007 when his best friend committed suicide, but I really don't know. There is so much to this story, that I know I have probably left out some important parts. So, if anyone has any questions, suggestions, or advice, I'm open to hearing about it. In the meantime I have decided I'm just going to be my husband's friend, I've started to make changes with getting the house in order, working on myself by getting healthy again(I have really let meyself go over the years), and just working on positive changes in my life that I'm hoping he eventually will notice and realize that maybe he does want to give our marriage another shot. I figure until he serves me divorce papers or insists I get a job, I have time on my side. I'm a stay at home mom, so I depend solely on his income at this point. I don't want to disrupt my kids anymore then they have been by having to put them in daycare, my 6 year old is already freaking out about having to go to daycare. So, until I'm forced to going back to work, I'm not even looking at doing that right now. My husband has all of his money direct deposited, I handle the finances, and he has told me to go ahead and pay bills like usual. We also can not afford a divorce at this point or even for a 2nd home for him, which is why he's staying at a friend's house, so if anything the divorce is on hold because of finances as well. I guess I'm still holding out hope that my husband will come home and we can put this whole nightmare behind us. I know that may be unrealistic, but it's what I hope for.
Hi, I guess I think I am in almost the same situation,I have kids but they are living on there own, but I think my husband is also going through a midlife think too.....I have been married 13 years, but we have been together for 18years, all of a sudden, things stopped happening, no sex, the kissing the affection, just everything just stopped, so I have never NOT trusted this man,so I had a gut feeling on night, early, and I checked his phone,and sure enough there was a number on there several times, I then called it at 3am in the morning and sure enough a woman answered the phone, I said a few choice names to him threw the phone, and left, I didn't let that go, I proceed to check on line to see if there had been text messages and sure enough, for almost 2 mos, he had been texting this girl from where he works, 4-6 hours, on sat, and sun, and even called her at 10:30 at night.....So I had him if there was anything that he had to tell me....he kept saying no, until I presented these copies of his texting, we talked civil, those next three days, were great until he went back to work, and it started all over again, and it hasn't been the same...In ways I believe I drove him out cause deep down in Idon't believe that he is telling me the truth, that there was nothing on those text messages except about work and hunting...I asked and asked over and over, he now is living with his daughter and I am ALONE....I miss him and love him with all my heart, but he keeps telling me he needs time away from me and time for himself....it has been a week now the HARDEST week I have ever had in my life...I have asked him to come back and he declines, but his stuff is still here....is that far for me, is it to early still. I am seeing a therapist...she helps me when I see her that day, but then after it is hell...Is indeed he going through something, he says he is not having an affair, but the trust is GONE...I am trying very hard not to call him, but to be friendly to him when he calls, but the hurt is still there...
He has alot of issues, he hated turning 49, next year it is 50 and his parents died in there 50s...I don't know where it went wrong, i thought we were happy until all this happened. Is it the fact that he likes it cause this girl, maybe be younger and thought that he might be attracted to him....???? don't really know all I know is that it really hard for me, his stuff is still here and he doesn't know what he wants????
Your husband is obviously cheating on you, you busted him, and he just LIED to you about it.
ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD.
So why are you begging him back?
From where I sit, I think the bold here is where you missed it, but please tell us more specifically what was said in these two convos:
Quote:
so I had a gut feeling on night, early, and I checked his phone,and sure enough there was a number on there several times, I then called it at 3am in the morning and sure enough a woman answered the phone, I said a few choice names to him threw the phone, and left, I didn't let that go, I proceed to check on line to see if there had been text messages and sure enough, for almost 2 mos, he had been texting this girl from where he works, 4-6 hours, on sat, and sun, and even called her at 10:30 at night.....So I had him if there was anything that he had to tell me....he kept saying no, until I presented these copies of his texting, we talked civil, those next three days, were great until he went back to work, and it started all over again, and it hasn't been the same...
and
Quote:
he went back to work, and it started all over again, and it hasn't been the same...
What do you mean, you "talked civil"? And "those three days were great"?? Did you lay out any BOUNDARIES for yourself?
Here's my educated guess, after studying thousands of affairs, and the most common mistakes that people make. Tell me if I'm wrong:
- you confronted him with what you saw in the text messages, and what you heard when you called the OW number.
- he lied, and said "she's just a friend".
- you flipped out, and yelled all sorts of things at him, but weren't really specific about what it is you wanted from him.
- He lied some more, turned it on YOU, and accused you of being paranoid, and/or acted indignant that you would check his phone and were "spying" on him.
- You backed down, you guys had a R (relationship) talk, lots of tears, a few jokes, you hugged, you had sex.
- for the next 3 days before he had to go back to work, he was overly nice, on his best behavior, and you guys had more sex.
that is correct. the next three days were like nothing had happened he was back to his old self, then he went back to work, and it started all over again, no talking, no affection, no NOTHING,
Now it has been over a week since he has been gone...to this day, he says he is not having an affair, those text messages were just about hunting and working, I am sorry I just dont believe it and will not believe it until I have those message sappeoned, by a lawyer, I never found out what was on them, only that he had texted her for 4-6 hours on days during the week and also on a Sat, Sun, and calling her at 10:30 at night, that is all I know, he will not tell me anymore, He will not see anyone to open up to help him, For Christmas he brought me a 1/4 carat heart necklace, and then told me he was leaving, before that time he started sleeping on the couch, where for the past 2 and half months he was sleeping with me, I know the Christmas presents were out of guilt, that is the way I see it, but I have since brought them back...
I believe this woman is tugging on him and then there is me..I don't know why I feel like this, maybe cause he is not alone, and that he is with his daughter,
New Years sucked, I was like a crazy woman, by myself calling him and just acting like not myself.....I really need some help..I am seeing a thereapist, and she directed me to this web site.
Ok now that I have gone all around with my story, It has been a week now since he has been gone, yes, we talk to each other, I am trying the be a friend thing, that one person tried with her spouse, going along with everything that he has to do to be happy for himself, it is so hard for me. I am civil when I talk to him I joke with him I try to laugh, and want him to know that I am for whatever he thinks is best...He still hasn't moved his stuff out of our home YET, I really don't know what he is waiting for, I get he is waiting for his other relationship, if there is one, to be secure, before he makes his move, or he is just not sure of what he really wants, I also get told that maybe he is going through mid-life crisis thing, and maybe this other woman, showed him that he was indeed still handsome, or may be it was just lust, or he was just TIRED of our marriage, I don't know and he wont tell me or anyone, it always I DON"T KNOW.....
what do I do...I offered to help him move, find an apartment, whatever I can...Is that wrong of me...it hurts me so inside I can hardly stand it at times, and work sometimes sucks, cause I think of him.
We recently went out for supper, never talked about what was going on but caught up on things we haven't talked about, he took me to Walmart afterwards, and then we went home, I asked him to come in for a while, which he did and we watched football, it was great, but deep down in I wanted him to leave, but on the other end I miss him.....what is wrong with me...I am crying now, and wish I knew why, is it because he has maybe another woman, or is it I want him to hurt as much as I do, or is it the fact that I just don't want to be alone....I have friends, but I am not the best friend thing, I really have no one to hang out with,
does this make me a crazy person....I just wish Iknew what do do now, I am trying everything.....
It doesn't make you crazy. But it ("doing the friend thing") also doesn't work, in my experience.
The reason I asked you about how it went down -- and the reason I was able to predict it so accurately -- is because I know how us humans (especially us MEN), tick. We are, when all is said and done, basically "path-of-least-resistance" creatures, and we will largely do what we are ALLOWED to do, and won't make difficult choices until we are forced to. Another poster, Robx, calls this "crisis" -- that a walkaway spouse won't react until they are faced with crisis (this can be the credible threat of divorce or separation, or exposure of their affair, or the chance of losing their spouse).
See, I have learned that our spouses -- heck, really EVERYONE IN OUR LIVES -- treat us the way we have TAUGHT them to treat us. You have taught your husband how to treat you over time.
Does this excuse his infidelity? Nope -- no way. That is HIS choice, and he'll be held accountable to it, both here and in the afterlife, I believe. All YOU can do is decide what your own Boundaries of Personal Integrity are, and learn to communicate them and enforce them.
What you are communicating now to your husband, whether it's your intention or not, is that you are needy, desperate, fearful, and you will put up with his behavior -- including his infidelity -- so long as he throws you a bone (sex, jewelry) every now and again.
NO certainly I don't want any of that, it is that I have trusted him for 18 years, this behavior of his is common, he did this same exact thing to his 1st wife, the same exact way, I tried telling him that and he said no, but it is cause I was the other woman...
But why am I needy, and desperate, that makes me sound so cheap and I am not, and certainly I don't approve of this behavior..but my question is what drew him to do something like this?
I did not see any signs that I was aware of. This was like an all of asudden thing.
An NO that is not what I want out of my life, I want to be happy, thin and I want him to hurt as much as I am right now, is that wrong
OMG you are so correct..I actually think if I can go without talking to him except for finances that I will be a better person and show him that I dont need him you are so RIGHT...I texted him this morning to have a good day, guess I should not of done that....thank you so much for letting me see...I hope I can do this...I am not desperate, god how cheap does that make me feel
Yep exactly, I wasn't meaning that you were trying to insult me of any kind, but I thought all day of what you said, about me being desperate, and needy, and you know you are RIGHT...I am exactly that, and I don't want to be that. I just want you to know that I have NOT called him today and I feel absolutely GREAT, especially about myself
He did indeed have an affair with me while being married and to THIS day according to his daughter has not EVER told her-exwife- that he was cheating on her with me, and that is exactly what I think is going on here, or is it lust on his part, thinking that he can attrack a younger woman, who has a house and land which he has wanted for a long time....everything else he has, we live in a trailer in a small trailer part. Yeah our trailer is old,but well taken care of but he hated here, no I really don't like it here, but we have bills, and I was always afraid of if we ever got a home that it would be forclosed for some unreason
Why do you say it complicates things, he is falling into the same pattern as before, except 18years later.
He hasn't even tried to call me today, so what does that mean, I don't think he has had a physical affair yet, but I will tell you I am tired of looking at his stuff here, and told him that I didn't think it was fair of him for me to still be loooking at it.
He recently told his daughter to tell her landlord that he should be moving in 2 weeks, does this mean that in two weeks time he will be secure enough with this other relationship to move on
This woman has offered him a room in her home,supposedly she is going through the same thing with her husband, I really don't know cause I have caught my husband inso many lies it is unreal, but I told him if this is what you want to do, go and do it what ever makes you happy, just please do it soon, cause you are not being fair to me....was that wrong.....
Puppy, I just want the hurt to STOP, you have helped me so so much in just by writing me, and telling me stuff.
I want to thank you so much for all the things that you have said to me...especially today, you have helped me in so many ways that I really feel good about myself...I am hoping tomorrow will be the same...yes, I still miss him alot, but I still would like to know WHY this is happening to me, what did I do to deserve this?
ok its late for me and I want to call him so much, I guess to hear his voice. I was hoping that you would of answered my letter, I guess now I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
Why do I want so bad to call...like I said before the hurt for me is so bad,I am crying now just writing...I know there are thousands of people in the same boat and why do I feel sorry for me.I am so TIRED of crying, why wont I move on. he can not have his cake and eat it too and I also know that is what is happening, except there is no sex on this end of it....I guess I will go to bed and say good night. Hopefully you will answer me tomorrow, and help me get through another day......thank you again
