I'm stuck because I can't decide if I should stay with my wife and try again, or go. When I think about going, it makes me happy - the feeling of a fresh start. It also feels like it is the best thing to do. When I think about staying, I think of my five (yes, five) kids. I think a lot more about my wife that I love.
We have had so much anger through the years (beginning in month one) that I've had problems showing respect for her. If you asked me two months ago, I would have said I didn't love her as a wife. Then, she began a few weeks ago to spill the beans about how she did love me (she had said that she hadn't for four years), and that she was willing to go to counselling for her self-esteem (our marriage cousellor said self-esteem issues explained some of her reactions). Myself - not so innocent either, I've been working on being patient and calm when we argue.
My wife and I began our divorce in October. It began with her berating me for fifteen minutes about how everyone was holding her back from learning to drive. In fact, I pushed her to keep trying to get her learner's license all seven (yes, seven) times that she took to pass. I also paid for her to take a driver's course ($700), but she failed. The instructor was part of the problem, but she wouldn't change him because she felt bad for him...
So, I put on headphones and some music so I could partly ignore her to avoid becoming angrier and saying something I shouldn't. She continued in bits and pieces. Later on, she came back to the living room where I was and she said that I had to teach her. I said no because we fought so much whenever I had taken her. She had made references to how she’d be better without me, such as that she would leave for a few months at a time and go to her home country (Yemen).
She then got up and asked for the van key so she could go to COOP. I said that she couldn’t drive without a license (she just has a learner's), but she continued to get dressed. Unsure if she wanted to push me into a conversation, I quietly took the key just in case and pocketed it. She re-asked for the key. I said that it was illegal and I would call the police if I had to so she wouldn't drive. She responded by saying how she would fight the law and win because I was being unreasonable. She then said that she would be better without me, so I said (not asked) that she must want a divorce, and then as she didn’t say anything right away (a few seconds), I said that I divorced her.
In our religion, once a divorce is requested it becomes permanent after three full menstrations, as long as it is declared calmly and without duress. It is said that of all things allowable and without sin, that divorce is the most hated by God. The three months means she stays at home and I should, too - trying to encourage reconcilliation. I really thought she didn't want to, until a couple weeks ago!
Now that is where I was looking for advice. It turned out that since I asked for the divorce when she was starting to menstrate, we have four, not three months. Well, now "under the gun", a flood of emotions have hit me. She wanted a decision right away, but I was just not sure. So I talked to her one the phone and asked/convinced her for one month reconcilled - to be the best person we could (D'Busting advice). She agreed, but instead of relief, I began to tear up and get angry with myself.
I have begun to feel more love for her. She's a good wife, except when she's angry/spiteful/insecure - all attributes that I have brought out in her. Physical attraction and sex haven't been great for me, but trying to keep the number of kids down meant not much went on in the bedroom.
Is this just cold feet? Just as I was beginning to write this, she saw the first paragraphs and, as usual, misunderstood and freaked out. To make it worse, she told me to give up on working it out and went to our kids and told them we were getting divorced. As one of them cheered, it is clear the 3,5,7,8,and 10 year old kids didn't all understand.
I definately don't regret having tried. There have been days that I wish I had ended the M long ago after our first daughter. We've never been able to connect. The time we've spent together since Jan 2 was probably the third or fourth time we've been able to connect well in 11 years.
As I age, I can't help but think that I have a chance to find a W that understands me and, more importantly but selfishly, that I can understand.
My MC said that she had been in a relationship where she even spell checked her b'friend's love letter. For me, the fighting is the biggest issue and related to low self-esteem. But after that, it is just a sense of 'something missing' that I can't shake.
Anyhow - thanks for asking Gnosis. 7 days ago I would've been saying that I just might have found a spark that I can hold on to. Now...I don't think the fighting and the mismatched goals can keep me respectful and loving. If marriage was just about sex, I would have something concrete to work on. Building a connection...that's hard.
How do I connect with someone that understands everything in ways I can't often agree with, ignore, respect, or add to? If she could do that for me, I think I would be OK, but her faked interest isn't very encouraging and her misunderstandings are much more powerful over me.
