I'm losing him again & I am so down in that "black hole" that I can't seem to get the motivation and/or momentum to pull myself back out & start getting things turned back around.
It's the small things I'm noticing that I missed the first time around, but from past experience am now seeing.
I feel so lost right now and just CANNOT seem to pull myself back up. I'm just watching things crumble around me, knowing what is happening, knowing what COULD happen if I don't DO SOMETHING, but can't seem to bring myself to make the first step.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I just don't know & that's the biggest issue. I am in no shape to fight the fight right now, but I need to or I'll regret it. I told myself, what 2 yrs ago now, that I wouldn't ever let this happen again, but here we are. I see it in his eyes & hear it in his tone of voice, he's checking out & I'm not doing a darn thing to stop it.
I have absolutely no self esteem right now. I've gained more weight than I have ever done before! I don't like myself right now, so how can I expect anyone else to? I'm physically a mess, so tired all the time, just feel crappy. I don't have the gumption to do what I need to do.
I need to fight for my M, my life, my kids, but can't seem to get there.
I guess the main issue is that we never truly dealt w/ what happened years ago and, for me, it's never gone away. I've never lost that "scared" feeling that he's about to leave again. I've never learned to trust him again. I'll talk to him about issues every once in awhile, but he just sticks his head in the sand.
Now, we've both allowed him to get to where he just doesn't seem to care any more. He's just going through the motions & I can see it & feel it.
I really think I could turn things around if I could just get my mind where it needs to be. This has been going on for awhile now though & I just can't seem to get there. I've just sat by & watched it swirl downwards around me.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Sorry your struggling. The positive thing I read in your post is that you have now started to acknowledge what is going on, and you took the step of coming here to post about it!
Just continue with the small steps, don't worry about the big ones. Tell us more.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Have you considered doing things for yourself again? You acknowledge that you have gained weight and are unhappy about it. Here's a chance for a 180, get a gym membership or set up a walking group with some friends. This is a chance for you to do something for you, that will make you feel better about yourself. If you are going into a depression, you will not like yourself and will not find that needed energy to something about it until you force yourself to get off your *** and do something about it.
As far as dealing with the main issue at hand, until you can snap your blues, it may not be a good time to deal with that right away. That also may be something you may need to bring into some MC.
Have you ever seen the movie, “The Pursuit of Happyness?” Baby steps count as long as you’re moving forward.
From a male POV I can tell you that watching your wife let herself go is a major turn-off. “If she doesn’t care, why should I?”
As ShockedOne suggested, get a gym membership or join an exercise class. Clean up your diet. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but he will notice. And always look your best. I know you don’t feel good about the way you look right now, but do the best you can with what you’ve got. It will get his attention.
Baby steps count.
Norm
H: 50 W: 48 Married 20 years Bomb and separation: 9/12/09 A discovered 12/02/09 http://tinyurl.com/yctnhec
You sound depressed. I don't remember were you on anti-depressants before? Do you think he has a girlfriend again, or is he just not paying attention to the marriage?
One thing I regret is criticizing my W's weight and making her feel worse. I only ever did that one time when I was on painkillers, but it eats at me. Also, my general attitude conveyed more than "you're fat and unattractive" ever could. Now that she's gone, I realize that I would be happy to be with her regardless of that weight.
You need to see yourself as a beautiful woman. A person (man or woman) will be attractive, whatever the media's view on the matter, if he or she has confidence and a positive, fun attitude.
Get into counseling to help rebuild your self-esteem. Give your H the impression he could lose you to someone else who will appreciate you for you, that you are a catch not just because of your dress size, but because you are special and make others feel special. And get the reality into your head that if he doesn't want you someone else will.
Somewhere in the recesses of my thick head I still adored and desired my W no matter what. I have a feeling that your H is the same and once the likelihood of his losing you occurs to him he'll change his tune.
~Mark
Me: 38 W: 34 Together: 9yrs 1st M: may '03 1st D: april '08 1st bomb: june '08 remarried: oct '08 2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate it.
I woke up feeling better this a.m. Hopefully, this means I am going to be able to start moving forward again instead of treading water or whatever it is that I've been doing.
I am on AD's. They seemed to pick me up for awhile, then kind of back to nothing again.
I don't know if he has an OW again or not. My gut tells me that, if he isn't already involved in some sort of EA, he's on the verge if I don't wake up & keep it from happening.
One of the biggest issues for me right now is that I have absolutely no SD at all. None, zip, nadda. That was a huge part of our downfall before. I've tried to act "as if" outside of the bedroom, but I actually get almost filled w/ dread when it comes bed time. I know I need to fake it 'til I make it on this one, or things are going to go bad in a heartbeat, so I will begin working on that this evening.
Ok, so that's goal (1) down and I can make it happen immediately starting tonight.
Goal (2) is to get my rear back in the gym on Monday. I already have a membership and had been in a routine until late October when H and I actually went on a cruise and a million excuses have kept me from going back since.
Goal (3) I believe is to get my self-esteem issue faced head-on, which hopefully will be helped when I start working on myself physically again.
I am feeling a lot better mentally and physically today. I need to just forge ahead and keep just thinking positively.
I hope everyone had a good new year's eve & day!
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
