Hi, I am in desperate need for some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. I have been separated for 3 years and divorced for the last 2. XH left for OW. After a year I decided to start dating again (actually after the divorce was final). He kept reminding me that it was over and he did not love me any longer. He also remarried a year and a few months of us being separated. When I did start dating more officially a real wonderful man WH started being more “friendly”. By Oct 08 he wanted to come back. We gave it a “try” in feb., he lasted a big 48 hours before returning to OW. In Oct 09 he moved out and got his own place and seems real serious about returning and making things work. However, I have lost all trust. I would love to be able to trust him but for so many MANY reasons I don’t. He still see’s OW, says that once he is worked out everything he will stop seeing her…. but I have some serious doubts… I still care deaply for him as he is the father of my children and we did share something wonderful prior to all this…. I guess what I want to know is can you ever learn to trust once all trust has been blasted away. Thanks a million for taking a minute to read me.
. I would love to be able to trust him but for so many MANY reasons I don’t. He still see’s OW,
I want to know is can you ever learn to trust once all trust has been blasted away.
You don't have to "learn" to trust someone who has betrayed you as such, it has to be earned by the betrayer. And until OW is punted from the 50 yard line, how could that happen?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Trust is funny, it can give you peace of mind and it can drive you nuts. we say that people have to earn our trust but really you have to give it. you have to make the decision to trust someone. what is trust? you can not control the actions or thoughts of another person no matter how much you may try, so all you can do is believe that what they are telling you and how they carry themselves is truthful. at some point you must say that he appears to be trying, if you truly want to try then you need to release all past opinions and trust. it is an action on your part not a feeling. you will have to blindly believe in him for a while until it becomes a feeling. this means actively purging bad thoughts from you mind and never checking his facts. give him all the rope require to either hang himself or build a new relationship with you.
this is not easy but at least it will give you piece of mind. if he lies and it does not work its not your fault for trusting its still his for lying. when i decided that I could either be fearful and suspicious of everything my exW told me or i could just trust, it did not take her long to notice and to become comfortable talking to me. remember to only control what you can control, witch is your feeling and thoughts and your own honesty.
what do you think would go through his mind if you said "i appreciate the fact that you have stuff in this other relationship that you need to finish first. i expect that you will and i have my own boundaries that wont allow me to go any future while you are with her but I am here ready to work on our family once you have completed what you need to do, i trust that you wont leave me hanging here too long" or something like that. i bet it would blow his mind and give him a lot to think about.
good luck and keep holding out hope.
Started Dating 9/97 Married 8/04 W EA 5/07 Separated 4/08 Divorced 1/09 Friends (for now) 12/09
Thanks JWS123... that is some real good advice. I have told him that for now I will keep the door open yet he needs to finish everything before even trying to get me to trust. Last night I worte and told him that for now I would rather us keep the converstion and exchange only regarding the kids going... so this means no more daily emails on his part. I told him that he cant start pursing me only once all is done with and he is ready for us to go to counseling together... your message does give me hope and also see another side of trust. Thanks... Happy new year!
