My best friend died last week. She had a stroke on the operating table just before Thanksgiving. She was taken off of life support after a few weeks when the doctors said there was no chance for a recovery.
We met in a LBS support group. It wasn't here. I came here and posted and she lurked. But we were local and were able to meet in person. For over four years we spoke on the phone almost daily, often for hours. I spent nights at her house and went on outings with she and her extended family.
I have never told anyone the secrets she heard. She knew about my sex life, my Dad and when I was annoyed with my Mom. When our husbands both worked grave and early am shifts we had a standing phone call for 3am. We talked in the daytime also, but not when our husbands were around.
We bonded through our common crisis. She was a talker and many of her friends grew tired of hearing about her husband and his infidelity. But we had each other and since we shared the experience we always knew we had someone who would listen. I promised that I would not tire of her pain and she did the same for me.
Neither of us divorced. Hers is a sad story. She and her husband were codependent on each other. Their love was real, but it was built atop a foundation of fear. He initially moved out for a few months, then was home for about 5 years while in crisis and moved out again a year ago. But he made no moves to sever their marriage. She was too scared to set real boundaries. The stress took a toll.
She knew the real me. When I became overwhelmed with people relying on me, I could talk to her about it. I try to be diplomatic and see all sides. But I have real feelings and opinions that are not always diplomatic and I could tell her without fear of judgment.
Only a few weeks before she was hospitalized we visited a halloween maze with her sister. She had a problem with vertigo and clung to my hand as I stomped through the maze roaring at the actors who jumped out to scare us. We made it through the pitch dark room with my guidance. Last year we got last in that room and I felt up some guy! She was so alive then and it is hard for me to comprehend that she is gone.
She was older than me, her oldest son is older than me. But she was my best friend. I sat with her at the hospital for a few hours several days a week over her last weeks...she did not regain consciousness. I left a few hours before she died. I shouldn't feel badly about it, but sometimes I do. It is strange given our age difference, but she was like a little sister to me; I was the protector, but that doesn't mean I needed her any less.
I wanted to post this here because I want to tell you how important your friends are...your friends here. Some people you meet will become polite friends that you talk to only in this type of setting. But some can become friends for life, friends who will hug you physically and help you raise your children. Friends who will someday meet your spouse and family and love them too. My husband finally met her a year ago. He loved her because he said she didn't judge him but just loved him. His parents always have birthday dinners for 'the kids.' He wanted a chicken pot pie but they said they couldn't fit 2 in the oven (we offered to bake one of them in our oven as well as purchase both), so they said no one else would like it...especially the grandkids. But my BF made him one from scratch...no wait, she made him 2 different types from scratch and we had leftovers to take home after dinner at her house.
Honor and cherish the friends you meet here; they may be with you through the rest of your life.
You are right that we need to cherish our friends. And, we need to honor them by leading amazing lives after they have gone. After all, isn't that what they taught us to do?
Helen of Troy, That was one of the most beautiful Eulogys I have heard. I hope you have the opportunity to share that with others.
Jack, Thanks. She was Greek and I couldn't use her real name…but she was beautiful in all ways. I don’t know when there will be a funeral…her sister said they are waiting until January to make plans. But I want to say something if they ask; I may break down in tears, but that will be okay...they are part of being real.
Originally Posted By: OldPilot
I hope YOU will be ok.
Yes, I am and Thank You. It feels so strange. We only knew each other a few years. We talked all of the time, but my life goes on...her death doesn't change my bills or my job or my future career plans--though she affected those. Her husband is left with a large debt--she had a gambling problem and ran up credit card debt through his crisis. She leaves two grown sons, one who could not handle seeing her in the hospital in a coma. I love my mother and when she dies I will be devastated and it will bring many changes to my life. But I don’t think it will be any more devastating.
Originally Posted By: Grace_O
we need to cherish our friends. And, we need to honor them by leading amazing lives after they have gone.
Yes. But at the same time I would not want her to live well for me; I’d want her to live well for her. She would be honoring me by doing it for her. I’ve thought about this a lot in the last several weeks. Her husband loved her and yet he was not living at home and we suspected he’s been living around the corner from her in the OW’s house. Will he blame himself?
I hope not. He is broken and has not been a good husband in recent years. But it is not his fault that she was unable to detach or let go. I imagine people asking him to honor her and straighten out his life. I hope he can straighten himself out too—though several of us believe that this will literally kill him. But my hope for him is that he honors her by living a good life for his own sake. That is what I am doing. Thanks
She suffered as her husband had a MLC, moved out and lived with ow, she gets sick and never recovered. Very sad but I am sure God is comforting her at this very moment.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
My condolences to you. What a beautiful tribute you've shared with us. A wonderful reminder that we never know who comes into our lives to help and guide us through the hard times. Age is inconsequential. We all have the wisdom within us, no matter our age and it takes the right situation or the right conversation sometimes to bring it to our awareness.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
