Complicated Sitch (Aren't they all?)

[soleil]

That's ok. Keep going as it will be immensely helpful. In the meantime try to remain upbeat and keep your mind clear.

[Gypsy]

Hi MacLyn..

If anything you have an ideal platform to renew the relationship. Guilt slowly kills anything it touches, eroding away the strongest foundations. You being upfront, facing your issues and dealing with them while staying open to your relationship is beyond fantastic.

Dealing with your emotional baggage, the drinking and the causes behind it, learning appropriate boundaries and self care are all good.

How long have you been in counseling and going to AA meetings? Do you plan to continue.

Healthy relationships occur between two healthy people. If every situations ends in your paying penance for mistakes in the past.. that works against both of you. Either he's forgiven you, you've forgiven yourself or you both choose to work on it.

A union between partners with dysfunctional backgrounds can either be the best, because they help each other become the best they can be or the worst when coping behaviors from the past kick in.

Both of you withdrew in different ways in your marriage. Something's broken but it can be fixed. You're doing the right stuff. You know him better than anyone. Be the caring, loving partner who's found her individuality, who's doing what works to keep you the healthiest person going.

He's doing what he needs to do. You're accepting accountability for your actions. You both need to heal on every level to go forward in whichever direction it takes.

Have faith. And if the past never goes away, how can you have a future? He needs to work on himself, too. All part of a renewed relationship, beginning.

*hugs*

[MacLyn]

Yes, it has been very helpful.

My mind is clear for the most part. In the beginning it was awful. I cried, begged, bargained...all of that. Not attractive.

But I have changed and I know that I will be ok no matter what happens. I want to be with my husband, but I do not NEED to be.

The only thing I get confused about is the spending time/being intimate vs. pulling back and letting him get a taste of life without me. Of course, if it weren't for the past I would do the latter...

[Gypsy]

Isn't the past what keeps screwing up the present?

What is driving your decisions.. guilt or confidence?

Here's a helpful way to make a decision:

If it's right, say yes.
If it feels wrong, say no.
If you waffle or can't decide, the answer is no.

Heal yourself. Set up healthy boundaries. Respect, confidence and trust in your actions. If you're submitting to him based on fears.. then hello.. it's the same old story in a new binding.

*hugs*

[MacLyn]

Thanks Gypsy. Very good advice Many of my friends think I am crazy for sticking with him while he is divorcing me, but I feel in my heart it is time to stand by and be strong. Of course, I will have boundaries also.

I have been in IC and AA for six months now, and yes I plan on continuing. I did cut back IC to every other week and it was getting very expensive for me. I go to AA twice a week.

[MacLyn]

You know. I have thought about that.

I have forgiven myself. I thought long about my actions...if I was acting out of guilt, and I do not believe I am. I would say it's more "empathy". I know his pain, I know that he wants healing for both of us.

[soleil]

Healthy relationships occur between two healthy people. If every situations ends in your paying penance for mistakes in the past.. that works against both of you. Either he's forgiven you, you've forgiven yourself or you both choose to work on it.

Have faith. And if the past never goes away, how can you have a future?

Yes.

I want to be with my husband, but I do not NEED to be.

Yes. This is true.

Here's a helpful way to make a decision:

If it's right, say yes.
If it feels wrong, say no.
If you waffle or can't decide, the answer is no.

Yes to ALL of this.

Thanks Gypsy. Very good advice Many of my friends think I am crazy for sticking with him while he is divorcing me, but I feel in my heart it is time to stand by and be strong.

You have to live your life for you. While they are offering opinions and support, that's great, but you need to do what you need to do.

Keep up with your AA meetings.

[MacLyn]

Update:

Divorce is final in 10 days. I'm getting very emotional about it. It's still very confusing.

We had an IM conversation after a brief argument/misunderstanding the night before. He invited me over...and in a moment of honesty I said that I felt a bit pathetic for running over his invite.

He replied that HE was pathetic. He also said that I wasn't pathetic for coming over that night...maybe on January 16th. (our divorce is final on the 15th) I asked him what he meant and he said that after the divorce, we will possibly (there are no promises) working on a new relationship and he wouldn't expect me to put up with his crap.

So. Interesting. He admits it's crap. And I'm putting up with it.

[MacLyn]

I'm having a hard time GAL. The one time during this that I tried....he said I was being "cruel" by moving on so quickly. That it was obvious that I wanted out of the marriage.

I wasn't doing much. Just decorating my apartment, going to AA meetings and some church social events.

[MacLyn]

I feel like I'm being tested in a way. He wants to see that I'm a strong person, but when I display those characteristics...I think he freaks out and feels like he is going to lose me.

Over the holidays, he had drank too much one night and starting crying. He said that he felt like it was just a matter of time before I get sick of this and left for good. He said "I'm going to lose you to you." Whatever that means.

So. I can't tell what I'm supposed to do. Am I supposed to be strong and keep my distance? Or am I supposed to be strong and stick by him through this...finally proving I am trustworthy and really love him?