As you know my H did a lot of cycling towards home just before Christmas and continues to do so. This morning he was on the drive when we got up at 9.30am so he must of left his flat really early as it takes 1 hour and 20 minutes to get here. He is coming tomorrow and Thursday to take the kids out as well. This is much more than usual when he would normally go dim and not come to see the children over a holiday period.
He has an OW but they don’t live together, in fact she remains in the house with her H even though they are separated!
Prior to him moving out he wrestled with the decision to go and at one point told S16 that he wanted to work it out with me and make a go of it. OW was in the background at this stage. But then the fog came down and he left.
In the weeks leading up to his departure we also talked about his childhood and how he hadn’t grieved when his mother died. He seemed to be getting an idea about how this was impacting on his life currently. He even agreed to go to the doctor because I felt he was depressed. That didn’t get us anywhere as he wasn’t truthful with the doctor who said he was ok.
He has just bought another engine for my car as the current engine is starting to get old. He has offered me his car whilst my car will be in the garage being sorted. I have declined this request as I can’t have OW sitting in my car!
Is my H fence sitting or making genuine baby steps towards home. I have no expectations at this point and continue to treat him as previously i.e DBing and GALing
His behaviour is now out of MLC character and confusing......
I wouldn't say his behaviour is out of MLC character--though it is of course confusing! At some points the MLCer tries to find some balance in his cake-eating and fence sitting by trying to have a good relationship with both his wife and his OW. Of course, it doesn't work, but it's just another part of the cake-eating: desperately clinging to both relationships because he isn't ready to choose.
So, keep doing more of the same: reward the good behaviour, walk away from the bad, and good work on keeping up the DBing and GALing. It is good that he is spending more time with the kids and perhaps beginning to deal with his issues, but it's a long process.
All you can do at this point it what you have been doing and keep the focus on yourself.
They do cycle like this. There is a thread in the archives about reconnection and touch and gos as well as one about pursuit versus distance. Maybe someone can link them because I am bad at that stuff.
But they cycle. They pop out for a bit, check to see what is going on with you, the real world, and then they will run back to the fog again. The hope it that with each appearance, they come a little closer to their healing and a little bit closer to home. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.
So sit back, remember no expectations at this point no matter what you see, and keep yourself in the good place that you have found. Continue to move forward.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
The thread that you are looking for that discusses reconnection is one that I wrote many years ago. It is called "TMAK-Explanation of Reconnection". Here is the link:
Thanks for the info above. I have started to do a lot of reading!
Well H has finished his cycling as you all predicted. Thank goodness I kept my distance and sanity so was not completley surprised or devastated by his callousness when it came. Unfortunately the children aren't quite as resilient yet!
He let the children down big time by breaking a confirmed plan to run back to OW who has become her old controlling self. When I asked him what to tell the children for his excuse for not turning up he tried to blame D19 for making the mess and causing the confusion. Unfortunately it was me he had organised it with!
My inclination now is to go NC for a couple of weeks. I have discussed this with the children. At the moment he is fitting his visits to the children around the controlling needs of OW and I think we need to stop being 'available' for him to get his fix on his terms.
Is this a good idea? Some advice on this would be really helpful as this is new ground for me and the children?
I would suggest going completely dim and if he should call, you don't necessarily have to answer the phone at that time. You can always call back later.
As for the children, he will need to work out a schedule to see them. I believe your children are smart enough to figure things out and I would allow them to set the time schedule w/him. Of course, letting you know what they are planning to do. I wouldn't encourage a complete NC for the children. If your children are busy, so be it...don't change their schedules to accommodate him.
You and your children need to move forward and live your lives as if he's on another planet. If he calls, fine, if he doesn't, fine too. No one says you have to drop what you are doing to be readily available for him. He certainly isn't doing this for you and the children. Continue moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
First, I agree with Snodderly, going dim is probably better than dark since you have children. There are things you will have to talk to him about. But planning to do it only for a few weeks, sounds to me more like a ploy than anything else.
If you choose to do it, you will know when it is time to start being more open. You may have a day or two in there, where you have more contact, some where you have none. At the beginning, my H and I only argued for about 3 months. Regardless of what it was about. Then I just stopped getting sucked into that and stopped talking all together. That has lasted, for the most part for the last year. Any contact now, unless it is about S or the house, is initiated by him. For a while, I did initiate contact and when I stopped, he noticed. We have days where it seems very normal and we talk nicely to each other. We have days where there is nothing said at all. I share very little about my life and I do not really want to know about his. We still live in the same house. Yes our circumstances are very different than many, but….
Things to remember about this…
If you do something to get a reaction, they will know.
As heartbreaking as it is, you cannot control his relationship with the children. All you can do is be the rock for them, and do your best to minimize the damage. Your kids are old enough to be able to have their own reactions to him, and they can decided if they want to accommodate him or not based upon how he treats them. In the end, those are relationships he will have to fix as well.
The cycling will continue for a while. But time is on your side.
This is a very long road. Take your time and learn how you want to navigate it in the best way for you and your children. Right now, you almost have to become as selfish as him in some ways and realize that you can only control and worry about you. He has to do this on his own in order to come out the other side.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
D19 texted him this afternoon an 8 page text. In it she explained that as an adult she makes her own desisions, doesn't recognise the man he is currently, didn't like the way he is treating them, doesn't like being asked by him what he should do to make him happy. This is making her very sad and therefore she has decided not to initiate contact anymore.
H rang her straight back and said he would come over Mon to discuss being a better dad. D19 told him to arrange it with me as at this moment she's not interested as she needs to prtoect her own sanity.
I have been dim for about 8 weeks i.e not texting him, only sending business type replies to questions. When he visits the children I always welcome him as a friend but don't pursue him. Infact he tries to get some of my time to chat to me mostly about his business.
