I'm a newcomer, so I thought I should post my story here. My husband has been out of the house for 4 weeks now. I have asked him to come home several times, but he refuses. He went to 2 marriage-counseling sessions and at the 2nd one he said he had made up his mind that he is done. In addition, wants to put the house up for sale right away. If you had asked me 3 months ago if my marriage was in trouble, I would have said no way. The arguing came on fast and hard and within a 2-month period he's out. Lots of stress, but we handled it well until I broke my leg in Sept. In Oct he went on several hunting trips. I started suspecting that he was having an emotional affair because of text's and emails. I confronted him and he said they were just friends. The problem is I became obsessed with checking on him and pushed him further away until we were arguing all the time. He wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong, but I wanted to fix it. Therefore, we came to a standstill and I asked him to move out. What a mistake. So now, I am trying the last resort technique, but I am having such a hard time sticking with it. We have two kids, so we see each other often. Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Together 16 years Married 12 years 2 kids ages 9 & 6
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
What reason did you have to check on him to find the e-mails and texts? How defensive is he over them "just being friends"? I don't think that asking to move out is necessarily a big mistake, obviously you felt you needed to. You just need to ensure somehow that he is still upholding his end of the bills, in or out of the house. If he is going to continue having an affair, whether it be emotional or physical, you don't need to be seeing it happen right under your nose. That is completely disrespectful, so don't worry about his moving out right now. That can be worked on in the future.
Is the EA still happening? That's just it, I'm not 100% sure that there was any sort of affair, just a lot of weird behavior that made me suspicious. I can only see the #'s he texting not what the text's say. And the emails were pics of a hunting trip. He said she was into that kind of hunting and that is why he sent them to her. However, whole family is into hunting and he didn't send anyone else the pics. He is living with his parents and his mom tells me he doesn't come home until late every night. In addition, no one knows where he is going. That's what's hurting me so bad right now, is not knowing for sure.
What were his marital complaints... That I was to controlling and that I was mean to him every time he went hunting. And he complained that I used to like to go hunting too. But I stopped when kids came.
I'm 100% sure he was on hunting trips. They were with my family, so that much I do know. That is why I thought it was an EA first, but I suspect know that he is out of the house it's gotten physical.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
ShockedOne, I found the texts by accident, but then got very suspicious because he seemed to be getting distant. He is still paying bills, and helping with kids. I'm trying to act as if I don't care and to be very happy when he is around. However, I almost fail at it every time, and he ends up leaving mad. Trying to do things that make me happy, but all I do is cry all the time. My kids don't even like to be around me. I'm not used to being a depressed miserable person all the time. I'm usually the life of the party. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals from him. I asked him to tell me if he was 100% done so that I can move on. He said, "I can't say 100%, but I'm pretty sure. I just don't see this ever working again". Just at a loss as what to do!!!
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I welcome you to a wonderful place no one wants to be at...
From the little you have posted, I get the feeling from you that you are doing different things just to get him to "see" any changes you make.
The changes aren't for him, they are for you and your children. Don't do the LRT because it may bring him home, do the LRT for your peace of mind.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I asked him to tell me if he was 100% done so that I can move on
Don't ask questions like this because you will get crappy "in the moment" answers...
Believe 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear.
Originally Posted By: mb28
Just at a loss as what to do
180 will help as will getting out and doing things for you/your kids.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I'm trying to act as if I don't care and to be very happy when he is around. However, I almost fail at it every time, and he ends up leaving mad.
One of the hardest things to do is act "as if" and I had a very hard time with this...However someone told me to practice in the mirror until I felt comfortable doing it and to this day my H has never seen a tear fall due to his actions.
Keep posting...
Read other peoples situations...Comment if you feel you want to...Others will be along to help you through this and you will get through this...
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Serenity13 Thank you so much for the advice. And you’re right; I am applying the LTR technique in hopes of getting him back. I always have a big New Years Eve party at our house. Moreover, he says he is coming, but only for a little while to see everyone else. I don't know if I should avoid him all together or make casual conversation with him. In addition, my cousin asked him today when he was going to move back home and he said, "Never". It's so painful when I hear that stuff. The last 4 days I have done good at not bringing up our M. Then he starts talking about D and sellling the house and I end up getting so emotional. I did tell him yesterday that I have to believe some day he will come home and we will work this out. I know I sound needy, but I cannot seem to control myself.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
No thanks needed, that is what we are here for...Admitting you are doing it to get him back is a good step...Expect nothing is what you will hear from a lot of the veterans on this board. Make the necessary steps to improve your life and if somewhere along the way he hops on board excellent but if he doesn't, you will still be better off for yourself.
When he starts talking about selling stuff, D etc...Walk away...If you need to respond then remember to validate him - I'm sorry you feel that way, I understand you feel that way etc...Don't get into a power play with him because you will feel like you are losing...
If you aren't strong enough to avoid having conversations with him right now then I would suggest leaving the house until you feel strong enough to do it...Take the kids to the library, the mall, the park - Anywhere he isn't.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I have to believe some day he will come home and we will work this out.
Don't say these things...I don't mean to be harsh however you sound just like I did when I first joined many moons ago...I was so desperate, clingy and needy and if you stop and think for a sec you will realize there is nothing attractive about that.
It takes time - So much time to get to where you want to be but before you can get there, you need to accept that this is the way he is "right now" and take that leap - For yourself - For your kids.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Remember to belive nothing H tells you and only half of what you see. Like you were told, not to be harsh, but doing things in hopes of a positive reaction from H will only lead to you being let down more times than not. Until H is ready to commit 100% to the M there will be many let downs. Just do your best to keep up the PMA! Shock
I finally made it one day without contacting H. It was so hard, I keep trying to come up with excuses in head to call, email or text him, but I stopped myself. I hope that I will have the same success today. I had to change my goals last night; they were just not specific enough. Originally, my main goal was to have him move back in. Now I've changed it to him calling me for something other than the kids, house, or divorce talk. I am hoping that with me not contacting him, it will happen in the next week or so. About 2 weeks after our separation, I had to have surgery on my broken leg, and was out of it, so I didn't contact him for 2 days. Then, he finally called me and asked me to go with him to his company Christmas party. At the time, I just thought he asked me so that he wasn't the only single one there. Now I have to hope that it was because I didn't push for those couple of days. Unfortunately, after that I pushed clear until this Friday.
I know everyone’s periods are different, but I wonder how long it will take him to respond to me not contacting him. As I said before, I'm a very inpatient person, so I'm learning pertinence the hard way! Being in limbo is the worst part of all of this, I just wish he would throw me a bone (-:
Here is a sample of some of the stuff he said to me last time we texted back and forth. I know we are not supposed to believe everything we see or hear, but was hoping someone could give me some insight into what he said so I can try to make sense of some of it. I’m still looking at it emotionally I would love a rational opinion:
H: I can not handle this. I have no life no home nothing. i have the kids and that is all. Me: I'm sorry, But you have me too!!!!! H: I don’t Me: I know you feel that way right now, but I promise you, I am here for you no matter what. H: I thought alot last night and I am so alone. but im not doing this again I cant. I feel like u have crushed me and I feel we should move on. this playing in limbo is hurting more Me: I'm sorry I can't move on )-: I love you to much to let you go. This limbo is killing me too. All I'm asking for is just a little bit of time togther. H: when I think about how I feel I know in my heart I cant do it you want me to stay and we can pretend is that what u want. u say I can get over it but u do nothing to help all u do is push me away u r still trying to control me Me: What can I do to help you? I don't want to keep pushing, H: let go Me: I'm sorry that you feel I'm controlling you, that is not what i want to do. I'm just asking for some time with you. Just a few weeks H: I can not do it anymore I need an identity. I cant My heart hurts I start to forgive then u piss me off again it will never work. Im alone now and lost and the only thing I can do is find my place Me: From this point I will leave you alone. Just know that I do love and care for you deeply, and my heart aches for you every minute of every day. H: all think of is the kids this is hard on them we need to get consistency in there lives. and I need it. i tried and tried to work it out u wouldnt listen u where cold and mean and I cant come back from the place I have been put. I have lost my world. I have been rejected and now u want me to come back for more
Together 16 years Married 12 years Kids D9 & S6 Seperated 12/3/09
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
