Flushing the toxins from my life

[ClingingToHope]

I'm disgusted with her, but even more disgusted with myself for not being totally repulsed by her. I want so bad to be indifferent towards her, to not still want to touch her and hold her and ML to her. I want to be able to look at her and feel NOTHING...no attraction, no sadness, no affection, no anger...no love. Instead, once glance in her eyes and I'm lost like I was 15 years ago when I met her.

I feel for you. I have no advice that everyone else hasn't given you ... Time.

[CountingCrows]

Had a decent, if not somewhat hectic week. No contact whatsoever with STBXW until 1am Saturday, when she started texting me. Not sure what she wants from me...seemed like she is just checking over her shoulder to see if I am still following.

She asked me if I'm seeing anyone. Told her "nope". She's having a hard time believing that once I got her to sign the temporary orders, I haven't just moved on to someone else. She doesn't understand how I could still love her or forgive her after everything that she's done to me, particularly when she can't forgive herself. She is finally admitting to me and herself that leaving me is probably the biggest mistake she's ever made.

My shrink is trying to keep me on the path towards independence and self-reliance, for myself and S7. He says that any reconciliation with W at this point would simply be a reconciliation of the "old" R and all it's ways. That's not what I want or need right now, as easy as it would be to jump back into that feet-first. I'd rather move on to the point where I don't feel like sacrificing myself for a R with STBXW. If something were to develop out of our friendship at that point, we might be strong enough then to make it a new R.

I'm afraid that with STBXW's mental condition, the odds will always be against us having a "healthy" R. As she said the other night "I'm mental. It'll never go away. It'll always be there complicating every feeling, thought, action and emotion. I'm terrified at the idea of dealing with this madness the rest of my life. I can't expect anyone to have to put up with my craziness."

I've done a pretty good job with GAL lately, considering I have had S7 this weekend. Stayed out late with him on Friday night, seeing a movie (The Lightning Thief). Hung around the house yesterday and played/cleaned. He and I are getting pretty good playing together on Rock Band Wii.

Now that I'm a salaried employee, my job is trying to get their money's worth of out me. I'm going in to the office on a Sunday afternoon, to try and get some things ready for a project we need to start tomorrow. Guess I better get ready to take S7 to his grandparents for a few hours.

[CountingCrows]

S7 turned 8 this week. Had a nice dinner with him and STBXW. First time we've talked in weeks. No R talk...it was all about S8. She thanked me later for allowing her to be a part of his birthday, and for making it so comfortable under the circumstances.

Final decree can be filed within the next couple of weeks. Still processing that one.

I've stayed very busy with work and son, but have also made sure to give myself time as well.

Earnest request for hike in the woods from S8...I'll have to return and complete this entry later.

[rockedworld]

How are you doing CC?

[CountingCrows]

Wow...been a while. I'm doing pretty decent. Definitely in a different place than I've been before. Waiting on lawyer to get draft of final papers to me this week. Been staying very busy with work, s8 and friends. Overall, my self-confidence has improved. Partially because I'm back on my feet with a full time job, but also because I'm actually pulling off the single-dad thing without much more effort than before STBXW left. Thankfully, I've got some great family/friends who have been extra supportive during this whole ordeal.

I still miss her. Terribly. I can't dwell on it or I'll become a blubbering idiot. I've learned to control my (external) emotions better. I only "allow" myself to fall apart when I say it's time. Odd to consider that progress...but for me, it is. It's getting better as time goes on, though. I'm beginning to accept that our relationship will forever be different than before.

We're both having to cope with our feelings about each other going on with our lives, even though neither of us is looking to jump into any new relationships anytime soon.

[CountingCrows]

Today is the 12th anniversary of my current marriage. We stood together and made a promise that she couldn't keep. Damn her for not fighting for us.

I worked with my lawyer again yesterday on the final papers. Hopefully will be final next week. STBXW is giving up all rights to S8 in return for no obligations for him. She also wants to have her maiden name back, even though it's different than her son's name. I still can't fathom how a mother can walk away from her husband and only son like this.

I've spent so much time GALing this year, that my schedule is often TOO full. I'm still playing guitar, really ramped up my workout program, doing things with new friends, taking trips, seeing concerts, taking photographs...lots of activities just for me, and lots for me and S8 together.

I'm just looking forward to having this finalized, so I can get some closure on the whole mess.

[TimeHeals]

I'm just looking forward to having this finalized, so I can get some closure on the whole mess.

I read a lot of stuff on this site about closure and assigning it to arbitrary events like the divorce being final.

That's obviously not how closure works. You can read post after post on here, and there are people who find closure before the divorce even starts and people who do not find it years after a divorce.

Closure happens when you move on and stop holding on to all the pain, dissappointment, anger, and so on. When you embrace your own life and are happy to have it, then you will have closure.

[antlers]

Closure happens when you move on and stop holding on to all the pain, dissappointment, anger, and so on. When you embrace your own life and are happy to have it, then you will have closure.

That just about sums it up! Wise words...thanks. I wish it were easier to let go of this stuff than it is!