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Gucci and Puppy, well Puppy I haven't read much of Gucci is great for standard infidelity.

MLC? Not so much, that's why they don't post here.

Confronting the OW/OM is generally not a good idea... file under pursuing.

Each situation IS differnet.

Blaming them for making the LBS confront the OW?

You control your own actions. You no one else. Take responsibility for both good AND bad actions on your part.
Something Puppy would agree with. : )



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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Okay, so I took my lashings on here and took them seriously, believe me! Well, I gotta say, I'm confused by the events of the past few days for sure and don't really know what to think of it.

Here goes, obviously, I confronted the OW. He says the affair has ended since I spoke to her, but he still needs his space. Okay.... I heard a noise downstairs on Saturday morning. It was my H and he came over unannounced and proclaimed to me that he was moving back in the house. I gently protested, but he said that he was moving back and that was that and he still needed his space from me. This is the first time in months he's made any sort of definative and exclamatory statement about his intentions. Things have been tense to say the very least. After he pounded his chest about coming home, he was very nice to me and we even had lunch together. Also, he went out that evening and returned home by 10:30.

Sunday, we stayed away from each other most of the day after I went to church. He was a bit snippy with me in passing and I didn't react. Things cooled down a bit by the evening and he even came across the hallway from the guest room into the master bedroom to check on me and make sure I was doing okay (????). Now, this morning, anger has kicked in again about the OW and now I can't quite make heads or tails of it. Up and downs every day.

Yes, I have a few regrets about confronting the OW, but what's done is done. I do take responsibility for it and I am prepared for what comes out of it. A low moment, but I am still hopeful that our marriage is worth saving through all the pain and the hurt that has been caused by both of us.

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Also, I fully intend to keep my emotions in check from here on out. I slipped off the DB tracks, but I'm getting back on.

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Well, unless your h fools me totally, he's going to be a huge pill to live w. As for keeping your emotions in check....he's going to push your buttons whenever he feels like it. I do hope that you won't have to walk on eggshells w/him there, but most of them that return home too quickly, will fly the coop again.

He's bouncing off the walls...needs his space and yet, has a nice meal w/you and then goes out until after 10 p.m.? He's definitely still out there.

Try to find things to keep you busy and out of his "space". He's going to need a lot of that in the days to come. I wish you all of the best on this one.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Snodderly,

I couldn't agree with you more on him being a real bear. Before, as much as I wanted him home, at the same time I didn't. I knew it would be more of the same and that he couldn't come home until he was showing positive signs. Believe it or not, I didn't want him home now. I wanted him to take more time and get better before he returned. I'm a little stuck now because he's here and says that he's not going anywhere. To some perhaps a dream scenario, to me not so much. I didn't want an MLC moving back just "to get my goat".

I anticipate rolling with a lot of punches. Do I still do things like cook dinners and keep house as I did when he was here before? I'm not sure about things like that. Eggshells, I can do.

Also, the 10 pm thing threw me off not because it's late but for him in the midst of the initial chaos was a 4 am kinda guy.

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What have you been doing in the way of cooking, laundry, etc. for yourself? I wouldn't go out of my way to do anything extra in the way of accommodating him. If you have a meal ready and on the table, go ahead and eat...do not wait on him. If he is still not there when the meal is finished, put things away and he can reheat his own meal.

As for keeping house, keep it the way that you've been doing it since he's been gone. He's not a guest in your home. Do what makes you happy and is convenient for you. Until he comes out of the funk, he's a child and you as the adult, will need to determine what best suits you and your needs and time.

Learn to do what makes you happy. The lesson here is that you are not on this earth to make him happy. He needs to learn and discover that happiness comes from within.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Snodderly - I couldn't agree with you more.

Carolinagirl - Do the best you can to keep moving forward - I know it's hard when there is a tornado in the house. And it can be even harder when they fluctuate so much with their emotions. Be as "even" as you can be when he is around. Do your thing and simply be polite.

When he peeks his head out of the tunnel, by all means, be responsive. You can be kind and friendly - simply be yourself. I guess the moral is the story is when the MLCer moves home when they aren't fully done with their crisis, so to speak, you have to really do the best you can to be strong, supportive at a distance but not cave into their tantrums, etc, or it will be nothing short of a rollercoaster ride.

Make yourself happy, as Snodderly said - keep busy and working on you. Hopefully, your hubby will start to resurface from MLC fog soon.

All the best,

MTN


MTN xoxoxo

me - 43
XH - 47
S - 17
D - 14

engaged - 08
and happy!

bomb 04
divorced 06
engaged 08
happy in 09!
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CG,

I have a simple question. Did he say he was moving home or he was moving home to work on the M?

That will determine a whole bunch of things.

As far as housework, living your life, cooking, etc… I would just keep doing what you were doing while he was gone. He is a grown man, at least in a linear sense, and he can do his own laundry, keep his area clean (or not), and cook for himself.

No you do not have to be totally horrible and tease him by cooking for yourself only, but I would not go out of my way to try to make him comfortable.

You now have a live in. It is very hard especially if he is still set on not being married.

I won’t say much about confronting the OW. I did it a time or three. Finally learned that lesson with numbers four and five. But it doesn’t really make it go away. If it has ended with her, there is now the possibility of another one. Just prepare yourself for any possibility.

You have to continue on YOUR path right now. Let him travel his. You can be cordial if it works for you, silent if he spews. What ever is going to serve you and your journey the best. Until he wakes up, and comes to you, that is all you can do.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
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Hey Cat,

He has not said either way whether or not he wants to work on M. I didn't press any issues with that and have steered completely clear of the topic. I figure if he does, he will certainly tell me and if he doesn't he will make that clear as well.

I think as it stands now, I do have a "live in". I don't know for sure if the affair has ended. I've refrained from asking and I haven't snooped because he is smart enough now to cover his tracks with the cell phone and texts and such. I guess I figure, what's the point? Also, if he catches me, I will have poked the bear a little more.

He has been spotty with anger and happiness with me. He barely spoke to me this morning and then I got a text from him while I was in the office that said "good luck today" referring to a job interview I have. I'm back in DB mode again and refraining from OW and relationship talks. I also have not called or texted him and he has backed off of me as well since now he pretty much gets his fill of me since we are in the same home. I've contemplated closing the door to the master bedroom when I am home, but haven't done that yet because it would probably just be construed as being childish by him.

We'll see how things go this evening. Our dogs are going to be doped up because they are having their teeth cleaned. Since they are older, the sedation is alawys tough on them, but I don't expect him to be very helpful to me this evening with our "fur children".

Still hoping for a miracle and praying everyday for my husband to be well again.

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I had to go up to his work to get the leashes for the dogs. I took a little bit of pleasure out of showing up and knowing the OW would know I would be there and I looked good. We stood out in the parking lot and spoke for about 10 minutes and he was very kind to me. We talked about the dogs a majority of the time.

When he got home, he helped a little with the dogs, but said he had to go out and do something for a while (he eluded to seeing a lawyer, but this was 8:30 pm and he had already lied about having a 2 hour meeting with his cousin who is heavily connected in our city. I do know for a fact he was lying about this). Also, not sure how many attorneys in our town would meet same day this late, but I digress). He also told me that he doesn't want to waste money on attorneys right now?????? What the hell does that mean???? I didn't press anything at all. We also found our today that our dear dog has a possible tumor and he was very comforting to me about the whole thing. He said that he cares about me deeply and starts to think about all the wonderful memories we have had. Then in the next breath says that he just can't take all of life's responsibilities (house, car, job, money, family etc.) I have to say, the conversation took massive turns and just left me bewildered and confused. All the while, I made eye contact and validated all his emotions. A few times he asked me "what are you thinking about right now, this very second?" What is that? Is he trying to bait me into something? What I'm thinking is "I love you and pray for you every moment of everyday and will do whatever it takes to restore our marriaage", but of course I don't say that. If I did, I'm sure it would freak him out and send him into the "I need space" rage.

I miss the days of him being straightforward. I know that DR says to believe 0% of what they say and 50% of what they do, but when everything is so contradictory, I don't know what 50% of his actions to believe. At least I know the portion of the 0% of what they say to hang my hat on. smile

I must admit folks, I am a serial optimist most of the time. This situation has definitely tested my optimism and I'm certainly not saying I don't have bad days (the days where you think you would feel better if you were hit by a bus), but I feel in my heart of hearts that no matter how bad the days get, my husband will return to our M fully. I just wish I could wave the wand and expedite the process. Could just be me being naive, but I choose to live with unwaivering faith.

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