Any tips to deal with Jealousy on my part

[g450]

I should be divorced in about another month. STBXW will be moving out somewhere in that time frame. Dropped the bomb and me and never exlained why she is leaving me. Just "I dont love you".

There is a possibility that she may have somebody waiting for her once she moves out and or gets her divorce papers.

Here is my problem. I have always been the jealous type. Call it insecurity if you will but I did do a good job of hiding it from her for 20 years because she has always found any and all jealousy unatractive.

The PROBLEM is that I do not know what I am capable of if I find that there is in fact an OM waiting in the shadows for her. This actually scares me as I am not a violent person.
But at this time I feel like an animal that has been backed up against a wall. And we all know what animals do in this situation. They bight.

She has hurt me beyond comprehension and even now likes to play little head games with me to piss me off.

Can any of you please give me any suggestions or insight as to what I can do to keep my anger and jealousy in check so that I do not do something stupid?

As sad as it is I feel like I can't trust myself in this regard.

Suggestions welcome.

[wifeleft2009]

I should be divorced in about another month. STBXW will be moving out somewhere in that time frame. Dropped the bomb and me and never exlained why she is leaving me. Just "I dont love you".

There is a possibility that she may have somebody waiting for her once she moves out and or gets her divorce papers.

Here is my problem. I have always been the jealous type. Call it insecurity if you will but I did do a good job of hiding it from her for 20 years because she has always found any and all jealousy unatractive.

The PROBLEM is that I do not know what I am capable of if I find that there is in fact an OM waiting in the shadows for her. This actually scares me as I am not a violent person.
But at this time I feel like an animal that has been backed up against a wall. And we all know what animals do in this situation. They bight.

She has hurt me beyond comprehension and even now likes to play little head games with me to piss me off.

Can any of you please give me any suggestions or insight as to what I can do to keep my anger and jealousy in check so that I do not do something stupid?

As sad as it is I feel like I can't trust myself in this regard.

Suggestions welcome.

Well there is not much info here...

but i would say take a vacation far away from your area... plan it out so once your divorce is final you can jump on a plane and take that vacation far far away where you can keep buisy and clear your head...

you will have to keep loose that cell, pc ect... its all about you and your healing.

then once you return you can have the mind set to just let her go.. dont think about the what ifs.. if you start to think about her stop! say stop out loud if you need to. it may sound dumb but if it takes your mind off her it worked! sorry but time will heal but you will never forget

[newmama]

First of all, I bet we have all felt like hurting the OP or worse...but then I remember she has a little girl and if I got caught, (LOL) I have a little baby boy to take care of and don't want an arrest record. (no, I wouldn't seriously do anything other than scream at her)

Secondly, never underestimate the power of mentally rehearsing how to act(body language and tone of voice) or what to say when your STBXW baits you. So what helps me is picturing the worst thing my WH could say and then picturing myself acting composed and responding calmly but with a prepared phrase. I don't know what your STBXW says to you and maybe you wouldn't need to say anything.

Last, if there is an OM, lock up your golf clubs (LOL-sorry, had to make a joke) no but spending time with buddies or family will really help you. Getting away sounds like a good one...but I did not want to be alone when I found out about OW. That's just me.

[g450]

Thanks for the replies.

I have no proof of OM but she is very secretive about her laptop and cell phone calls. I can't rule out that somebody is waiting for her to throw me away.

Hopefully Im simply paranoid and in a year from now Ill start to get over her (not likely).

The sad truth of it is that after 23 years of loving her, I think I will take that love for her to my grave. I just hope it does not keep me from getting into some kind of meaningful LTR with somebody new.

Newmama, I know exactly how you feel. These days I cant stand to be alone for any reason.

[chatterbug]

Me too. On taking the love to the grave. But love changes. You know that. We all do.

You need to work on why you cannot stand to be alone.

And you need to be well grounded when the OM info comes out.

[g450]

I guess the main reason I cant stand to be alone is because I think about her every waking minute and it's torture.

When I work or am around people I take my mind off her and I feel secure, supported and loved when I am around family. It's one of the few things that makes me feel better.

When Im by myself I get that "Im all alone feeling". Not asking for a pitty party, it's just how I feel when Im alone and I cant shake it even if I try.

[chatterbug]

Thats ok myfriend. I understand completely. I think about ladybug all the time. And we have been apart for 3 and a half months. Some times I can go hours though. I think....

So explain everything about the OM that you know.

And as to being alone.

Treat yourself once a week. You will begin to look forward to this.

As I mentioned before. You need to control that anger. Based on your writing in your two threads. I would recommend that you seek out an IC right away. And if needed happy pills.

[g450]

Well I honestly do not think there is OM (I hope). I think she just got into MLC or just got bored with marriage after kid left. We both took each other for granted and were simply playing the game of being an old married couple doing our own thing. I was happy with that, I guess she wasnt.

I guess she looked at me and wondered if she wanted to grow old with this grumpy old guy or not.

Our jobs make it hard to spent time together as well. She just woke up one morning and told me that she no longer loved me (and hasnt for years) and wanted a divorce. Im still in shock and pain even after almost a month now.

Only suspicion I have is that her divorce thing happen to coincide with her password protecting her laptop. She recently discovered facebook and has all her old high school boy / girlfriends on there from 27 years ago. I thought that was odd. She spends a lot of time whispering on her cellphone in her seperate bedroom.

We recently had an argument about facebook and she then deleted both me and my Son off her facebook friends/family list. She now only has people on there that she went to school with 27 years ago. This seems kind of creepy too me. I can understand taking me off but my Son?? Told her "How can lost friends from 27 years ago who barely know you now be more important than your family of 20+ years?". I just don't get that.

For the record, I don't really think I have an anger issue. I originally came here to vent since I did not want to do it on another forum I use for DBing and Healing etc. But Im just not sure of myself if I find there is an OM. How will I react? Dunno. Was looking for insight from people who had to deal with their own jealousy and how they difussed it.

[wifeleft2009]

well, I guess I just went in with the thought why else leave?? hate to break it to you but I would have to say from what ive seen... most likely there is OM I know you dont want to hear it but lets face it odds are there is.

take it in breath get as used to the idea as you can and just know she is her own person and will do what she wants with who she wants... as much as this is against the promise she made its the fact with most M out there now days people stray there is no shame or honor left...

on the plus side you have alot of history and if you keep your cool and DB your chances are very good at being happy with however this runs its course

keeping calm and doing a gread DB will show everyone including yourself who the better person was in your M

[g450]

wifeleft2009,

I had the same thoughts as you initially.

I have struggled with this for some time because an OM would be the only logical reason. She never explained to me what "fell out of love with you" meant. Too simplistic an answer for me.

But I think she just fits the bill of a typical WAW and even MLC wife so I hope that an OM is not in the picture as this would complicate things more for us. Tried to get her to see docter and MC but she refuses. Tells me her mind is made up.

The other reason I am so concerned with a possible OM is because this would be the "deal breaker" for me in any future reconciliation.

An OM would be devastating to me since the past 10 years of our marriage there has been little to no intimacy and LM on her part.

Only real thing that I suspect is a possible EA with one of her old HS boyfriends 300 miles away. Did I mention that I hate facebook?

Im still searching for answeres but I hate to snoop.