I'm sure that the holidays are not helping in this difficult time. I too have been struggling with sadness and a black mood. If it helps you, I am about 1 year post bomb with my MLC husband. He revealed OW in december of last year. It may comfort you to know that things do get easier. With DB-ing I have seen changes in my husband, and although he is still in MLC he is so much better than last year. Try to think that if the roller coaster is going down - it does mean that it goes up again. That may help you put things in perspective.
I know there are times that are very difficult and you will think that your pain will never end. It does. Do what you can that will make yourself happy. Have a good cry, get it all out, and then think of what you can do to make things better for YOU.
I struggled so much initially, I too was the 'perfect wife' and always put my husband first. I had to work at GAL, and now everything other than my husband is pretty darn near perfect. That helps me to deal with him, knowing everything outside of him is sailing along. We all know that MLC is a waiting game, you have to find your happiness as you can. Take time with your children, they can bring you such joy, and think how sad it is that your husband isn't able to do that right now - it is his loss.
Hugs to you
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. We all can understand it! With this MLC depression, so many of them just feel the need to get "out" because they think their unhappiness is based on the externals (us, their families, etc.) without being able to see it is internal and something they need to look within the fix.
He won't be able to fix until he is ready. It is so hard to hear, I know, and this takes a very long time. They really don't seem to see the damage they are doing (which has been a concept that has blown my mind).
Forever is right. It does get easier and it is a roller coaster that will go up and down. Just try to get your focus off of him and onto you and your girls. That really is the only way. Don't focus on the threat of a D. Have you tried going no contact? Is he living with you or elsewhere?
As hard as it is, Lost, I wouldn't mention anything else about the relationship, including divorce. I think that the MLC often uses that as a taunt, because more than anything they want someone to make the decision for them. If you go ahead and file, then for him it will be "she left me no choice, I had to leave the marriage...." If he really wants the divorce, he will file. My husband at first also seemed to bring up divorce several times a week (back before I found DB website and was doing the wrong things like begging). Now its a year later and he's still here - obviously not so sure that that is what he wants. You have to trust that things will get better. Staying dark gives him some breathing room to think about what he really wants.
No, it isn't fair, nothing about the MLC is. We didn't ask to get taken on this ride, but because we love our husbands and our marriages it is something that has to be dealt with. If you can focus on your children it will give you much less space in your mind to worry about what he is doing.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
I think that any adult living with their parents would feel trapped and suffocated.
I too do not believe in divorce, that is why we are all here, we are trying to save and work on our marriages.
Think about you bringing up divorce to him like this: Are you going to jump off of that cliff? Are you? Well are you? Even though he internally knows that jumping off of a cliff would hurt like heck and destroy everything, if you keep pushing he may just do it to stop the questioning. I think some WAS feel like divorce is going to solve all of their problems, but of course those of us that are rational know that it just opens up another whole can of worms.
You mention that he has been out of the house since August and is still not happy. Of course, because you and your marriage were not the problem! It was his dissatisfaction within himself that caused his problems. He has to realize this himself, and then actually be man enough to work on his problems. It can unfortunately take them a long time to realize this.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
