Do you mean take a sledgehammer to it like just get rid of it yourself? Or do you mean take a sledgehammer to it to make a big scene? BEcause I"m all for taking care of it yourself. I'm not into trying to make a point to him. I'm at the point where I am trying to realize that my H will not admit he is abusive, no matter how I try to explain it to him or make a point. OH, and I've had it to such a point that I"m considering talking to domestic violence lawyers. He's too hurtful to me and to our son.
The first one--to get rid of it (take care of the thing) myself.
He will NOT do it--he and S are gone for a week in Canada fishing and I am PISSED about that...because the C we were seeing told him to let me and S go on our OWN vacation this summer (without him) and he won't let me.
So I think I actually have 3 people now saying "do it".lol.
So are you angry right now? Because this past week I have been SO PISSED!! I have called my sis-in-law for a talk and--and guess what--I found out he has been telling his family he has been unhappy for YEARS.
This is someone who wouldn't be "unhappy" for 5 minutes. And this was when I was working my BUTT off trying to make him happy!
Well now I"m certain - do it. You'll get your anger out and accomplish something at the same time.
"Won't let you go?" Um, how does that work? My suggestion is to take your son and go and let H scream and throw a fit as much as he wants. YOu have every right.
I'm on vacation right now with my son, and it's sheer heaven. Also gives me a much needed time away from H to get real about how abusive he is and formulate a plan. When I"m home, I get sucked into his craziness and feel beaten down and completely to blame for all our problems. Distance makes a huge difference in perspective. You must go on vacation!
Yes, I"m angry. I tend to suppress the anger into depression...but I have my moments of clarity where I can feel angry and it's what's motivating me to get domestic violence lawyers on my side and file for divorce. I go back and forth still, but I think I've reached the point I just can't take it any more, no matter what.
Also, last week was a hell week - lots of jabs, yelling, criticisms and I didn't do as well with walking away and keeping my mouth shut. So of course it escalated. When I return, I have to go back to not responding. It just hurts so much. Devastatingly much.
My perspective is that H yells too much at S, too, especially around mealtimes. Yes, I keep boundaries around table manners but I do it with a firm but calm voice and remember he's only five and still has puppy energy. H has no patience and raises his voice at the smallest thing (getting out of the chair, for example) and blames me that S isn't "better behaved." Well I've raised our son from birth as an at home mom, and my technique takes longer, much more patience, but it's kind and eventually gets more cooperation from S.
So the other morning H yells at S around getting out of his chair at breakfast and I felt for S because I hate it too when H yells at me - it's really a similar pattern. So I just quietly picked S up and placed him back on his chair, while holding him for a second for a hug.
H got pissed off (hopefully because he realized he was too harsh, but maybe not)and said with intensity "Thanks for UNDERMINING me!" OH, I should have walked away. But I bit. I calmly said I was not undermining him. BUt I also knew he in no way was interested in hearing what I actually was doing. I sadly got into a bit of a discussion with him, which led nowhere, and left me feeling like crap for the next six hours.
I said that he didn't listen to me when I do say what I was doing and claims he listens but doesn't agree. We should agree to disagree and move on.
NO WAY! He's not go to excuse himself away this easily. THis has nothing to do with a parenting disagreement. IF it did, he could talk to me another time, in a calm and respectful manner, and we could comprimise. No, he was interested in venting anger at me once again and not hearing my side and "winning the argument."
Now what to do? All I can do is try in MC - if he ever returns - where I can have a witness and a translater and someone in the room H will listen to instead of try to argue down and be right.
My first two days of vacation were blissful, but today, knowing H is flying down to join us for th after noon, I'm full of fear and anxiety. I have had my anti anxiety pill already!
You sound amazing. You are so, so right--the vacation, the clarity, the ANGER that we DESERVE to HAVE. I REFUSE to be "sad" or "depressed" over this sitch.
I just got online and ordered 6 pints of Graeter's Ice Cream.lol. From Cincinatti! to be delivered to Florida!! I have wanted to do it for years. H will have a fit! I don't CARE!!!
H4L, I did it!! I had THE BEST DAY yesterday! It was my H's Birthday too--OMG--I can't WAIT to see the expression on his face! Oh H, how do you like your present!!!
Borrowed a sledgehammer, and me and the little Russian went to town--bits flying everywhere!!lol.
Then I hired a guy to finish it on Wednesday--it was fun for a while, but then turned into WORK! I'm not doing it if it isn't fun!!hahahaha (yes, mad, maniac laughter inserted here!)
I hope you are diong well. I love how strong you sounded last post. I pray you are still in that place. You are getting there, and it is a privilege to see the transformation.
I've had enough of the OW, the emotional abuse, the lies. It is the hardest thing I've had to do but I"m going to try the walk away. I need to move on, it's been 10 months of DB.
The DB coach said to make the most of "family time" and be H's friend but everyone on this forum says to make the WAS feel the reality of being D. I have allowed too much cake eating and being a doormat. All that lingo is to say, I"m going to work very hard on just focussing on moving on. If he comes back someday, that will be dealt with at the time. But he needs to feel me pulling away to change the dynamic. Wish me luck friends.
You are worth too much to be a doormat. I know that I felt terrible--about the sitch, about myself--trying to be Little Bo Peep. But once I stood up for myself and said no more bs, I realized that I do deserve much better than how BF was treating me.
I think it's time to adopt Stuart Smalley's motto: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
