Is this what people mean when they say piecing is the hardest part? Because now that there isn't as much focus on the "chase", now I'm faced with all the things in him that made me unhappy in the first place. He still has all the negative tendencies, but fortunately there is more good stuff in between. So, as much as I want my marriage to work there is still some verbal abuse - although it has been calming way down - and in MC yesterday he made it very clear that he not only "forgets" most of those episodes, he doesn't even see them as a problem. This piecing is going to take work!!!!!!!!!
This is my second thread, moved from Newcomers. Please give advice as to whether this is the right place for me or not.
H moved out 8 months ago - we share a S5 so H is here sleeping over (I'm on couch) half the week. Lots of tension and anger at me from H and not spending time together.
Beginning this month, we have begun MC - H has committed to 5 months of this "to see if we can work it out - or else move on to D."
Although (x)W and I are only but a month into piecing, no it's not easy, and not a bed of roses all the time, but I don't think it's hard. I think what is helping us survive our backslides so far is a mutual respect for one another in terms of monitoring our lines of communicaiton.
Already, I've slipped a couple of times on some 'old habits', but quickly regrouped and made up for them and apologized. Like you say, there's more good stuff inbetween. She has too, but the same, makes up for them. We both know the consequence of letting those bad habits will get us if they become the norm again, so we know not to let that happen.
Maybe you and your H are spending too much time together this soon? What's the anger and tension about?
I'd love to spend more time with (x)W but not like that, not yet. We are speaking of living together again, however I've set that at a time line of 6 months away at least.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Day, thank you. Your comments give me hope as what you are experiencing and doing matches mine. We are much better communicators and we also apologize and repair when we backslide. So this is good, right?
No talk of him moving back yet and I'm trying to figure out when I'm ready for that, and when he might be ready. It's so confusing.
Yes speding too much time together has been a problem - it's been incredibly hard for me to detach - although friends on these forums have helped me do this.
My old thread is under Newcomers at "I'm new and wondering if this works. Since the summer, H has been verbally abusive. He's always had these tendencies, but my latest analysis is that his "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" went crazy and he numbed out by overworking, being angry, blaming, etc. He wanted a legal separation and the deal was he'd go to MC after that. Since all that has been finalized, he has been softening.
Thank you for giving me patience (boy do I hate the "P-word"!) by remembering this will take longer than I want it to.
Have you established any type of consequence for him when he gets in this abusive state?
I know, it sounds like repremanding a child. But, I think persons with any type of 'disorder' that makes them act inappropriately should kind of be treated that way. Disorders are over come by repitition of consequence for their actions. Atleast that's the way it used to be until medical technology caught up, and there's a "wonder drug" to cure it all.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Day, yes, after many many thousands of attempts at various boundary-setting responses, I finally came up with the best one. I walk away. Sometimes I leave, sometimes I don't come back or call until he's reasonable again.
This coupled with the MC seems to be working.
Other posters have encouraged me to set stronger consequences, give stronger statements, etc but these have usually led to escalations. The best thing I feel I can do is walk away and self-soothe, reminding myself I am not to blame.
It all hit a critical point when he was starting to vent his anger on our son. Nothing violent, but I was afraid. This is the main thing I am watching. He has since mellowed, but if this gets bad again, I'm not against getting a restraining order. That would also help me with custody in case of D. I will not tolerate that with our son, no matter what.
Well, if it's working go with it. I was thinking more along the lines of HE must leave, not you, especially in the event he become hostile to the child.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Yeah, that would be nice! I've tried that. Can't make a person leave. When he is indignant, sure he's right, blaming, etc. there's no telling him to leave without getting a rebellion.
I swear, I still have hope he'll work on things with me, but the last few months has shown me it wouldn't be the worse thing to be alone. I have to deal with so much control, tantrums, orders, criticisms - from my husband! He's worse than my 5 year old sometimes.
But we have those moments when he hears me and I hear him and I have hope that we will somehow work this out. I can only hope.
Had a fabulous Christmas, and H and I had a night out alone in the city, first one since we broke up. I know I am supposed to act/feel as if we are not M. So let's say we hung out as friends. I kept it light and happy, no R talks.
H has been here for two nights, and usually is at "his place" Fri and Sat. He is still here. He may stay through the weekend. All has been like the way it used to be - lots of laughing, fun, family time, wow, and our first datish-type night. The pain of the past eight months has been the pain of rejection. Now it' s the pain of things feeling so "normal" and yet they are not in reality and I am not wanting to push. I did great not acting/feeling needy. I just wanted to hug and snugggle him so much. It was hard not to.
But having presents with S this morning, dinner with my folks and H and S this evening, and our night out, feels like a family again. Can only be in the right direction. I'm so glad he's just not gone - yet.
So I need to remember that once the holidays are over, things could go back to bad and stressed - heck, he still has his own apt., and we are about to become legally separated. So why am I feeling closer than ever to him?
Hopefully when the holidays are over, he'll remember the good stuff and perhaps miss us some. Wow, I thought piecing would be blissful - but it's hard to hold the tension of the opposites! I have more to wish for when I have positive signs from H. Don't want to allow myself to get let down. Must keep perspective that we may still D.
One slip today when H was a complete jerk. Go figure. When I bring up what a jerk he's being he escalates. Of course. SO I just had to shut my mouth and move on. I hate it, but we're in MC now so he can't get away with abuse anymore.
Besides that another good day. This evening was even great. Laughing a lot and enjoying post-christmas treats and toys. Really enjoying family time. God I miss us being a family. I love having H home and parenting together.
I can't believe we are getting along so well. I never thought we'd have these days again.
