All signs point to game over!

[Cie la vie]

Hello to all,

I found this site a few weeks back and it has proved to be helpful. The follwoing is my story. I have been married to my WAW for 15 years and together for 22. We have two children (3 year old twins S&D). My wife had me served with divorce papers 10/16/09. I was stunned and caught off guard, she told me she was done and she no longer loved me or had feelings for me. She dropped the classic ILYBNILWY line. She had a laundry list of reasons for wanting the D. The main issues being my drinking, anger management issues, not helping out enough around the house and with the kids etc. etc. She is not wrong on many of these issues. However all of them were and are fixable and all them have been addresed by me subsequent to the bomb. She had on a couple of occassions in the last 10 months suggested/asked that we seek marriage counseling and that I also get treatment for my drinking. I brushed those requests aside as over reactions. This appears to be the classic I didn't see it coming when it was right in front of my face case. The flip of the switch was so abrupt that I asked her if there was someone else in the mix. She said no. I discovered two weeks later she was lying and there is an OM and it is a PA. I have not read either DB or DR. I did recently order DR and await its arrival. My W has indicated she is moving out mid January. Needless to say I would like to salavage the marriage if at all possible but I'm of the opinion that it is highly unlikely given the current state of affairs. We have been living under the same roof but seperate bed rooms for two months now. All advice and questions are welcome. Thank you.


M48/WAW47
M15/T22
S3
D3
Bomb 10/16/09
Seperated 10/16/09 (in house sep.)
OM discoverd 10/28/09 (PA)
D filed by W 10/16/09
W moving out 1/15/10
Currently in Mediation/Attorney's retained

[Dane]

Bust the affair first. YOu must have hard proof, see Puppy Dog Tails. If the OM has a wife, expose it to her. Puppy, Greek, Coach know how to handle this. Look for them to answer.
Keep strong, I will pray for you.

[Cie la vie]

Dane,

Thank you for the reply. When you say bust the affair first what exactly do you mean? The OM is located 2000 miles away but my W has flown out to see him on two occassions since she filed. She doesn't seem to give a sh** about my feelings in this regard. The OM was divorced six years ago per my W but I have no proof of this. I know where he lives and I also have his home and cell numbers. I came across the 180 recommendations and realized I had independently inacted many of these after my initial begging, pleading etc. BS. It is unclear to me if this has had any effect on her. What next?

[ShockedOne]

Then you can try and find out info on OM. If you have the info you have, you may be able to find out if he is divorced, most states have online repositories that have public info available, ie. criminal records, marriage/divorce info, driving records, etc.....If he is divorced and she is traveling to see him, this should not be coming out of family funds, quit supporting anything that is supporting the affair, ie. cell phone bills, credit cards for airline tix, etc.... This is just for starters. You are in the right place for good advice CLV.
Shock

[Dane]

Yep cut her off. This put a crimp in my wife with no CC and a the hassle of a new phone. Tough love is in order. I am not the expert. Men act, do not talk about it. Do it, then tell her what you did.

[Cie la vie]

Thanks S1,

I'll take a look into that. With regard to funds we are now operating off seperate credit cards as well as cell phones. The cell bill was a shocker for me as she had run up a bill in excess of $500 in one month and was well on her way to exceeding that (texting, calling etc.)in the following month when I confronted her and ported her number out of my account. I have been actively following advice posted to others on this site to my situation. She has been remarkable cold and distant and avoids me when the kids are no longer in our presence. I have been following the 180's and GAling as well. I could certainly use some additional advice on how to get some kind of positive results. I am in a much better place mentally today than I was two/three weeks ago. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

[ShockedOne]

You can not really do much of anything to get positive results. All you can do at this point is make the changes in your life that you need to make for YOURSELF. Do not make changes based on thinking that it is something she would want to see. At this point you need to remember to keep the frame of mind that she may never come back, and then look at where you are and what you want different in your life to make your and your kids life better. Not what you want to hear, I know. This will be a very tough time for you, and you will most likely want to do what are going to be the wrong things. Just keep you chin up, keep a PMA going at all times, and if you need to vent, do it here.
Shock

[Steve McQueen]

my advice,

Even though she is moving out make sure she is still paying for half of the mortgage and household utilities. Consult your Attorney.

[Cie la vie]

s1,

Initially the changes I made were designed to show her that I have changed, but not anymore the changes are for me if she notices great if she notices and doesn't care so be it. My frame of mind is she isn't coming back and I am reaching a point where I may not want her back given the extent of the infidelity. The chin is back up and will remain so. Thank you for the input.

[Cie la vie]

SMQ,

Oh yes I have an email into my attorney to get her take on this. My W seems to think she is off the hook on the mortgage etc. She is completely delusional from my perspective but I can't take anything for granted in these proceedings. One thing is certain she cannot afford to pay for a rental and her half of the mortgage and utilities. She is currently unemployed but very employable and is likely to have a job sooner rather than later, however, she will not enjoy and income that can support the monthly nut she will be saddle with under the above scenario. Unless she gets some kind of support from the OM (which I guess is possible).

I have begun to adopt a hardball attitude to my game plan. Interestingly she initiated a hug to me at the airport yesterday as my twins and I set off for NorCal for the Christmas holiday. I 'm trying not to read into it as any sign of a changing attitude on her end. No one on my side of the family and from what I hear on her side is happy with her current behavior. My goal's remain the same, continue 180's, Gal and hope for the best but expect the worse. Happy Holiday's.