I've been reading these boards for the last few weeks and I finally decided to dive right in. Unfortunately, my husband and I are already separated and life is “pure hell” for me, at best. I was, however, after the advice that my husband may be in the midst of a MLC, went in search of resources and found DB and DR and have read both cover to cover relatively early in the process of the marriage fallout. I was hoping to get some sound advice from those veteran DB-er's that have been at this longer than I have and may be able to guide me through this roller coaster ride! A brief time line of the situation:
May 2008: FIL commits suicide after a long battle with depression stemming from a brain tumor. This was a UTTER SHOCK to everyone in the family as we never expected this to happen. This also happens to be the first death that my husband had ever experienced in his life. He refused counseling after his father died and I tried to be supportive of his needs. “Whatever he wants/needs” was my daily mantra of helping him heal. This is where the MLC/depression for my husband began.
October 2009: The 1st was my birthday where my husband expressed his undying love for me and how he looked forward to the rest of our lives together. However, a few weeks later, he was going out to bars non-stop with a new group of friends that I did not know and virtually abandoned all of his old friends. Amongst these friends, was a 22 year old co-worker that I had met a few times and had even had in my home. A few days before his 29th birthday party on 10/24, he started to express to me how he had not accomplished all he had wished and life was short and he was dissatisfied. He now hates his job, the one that he used to LOVE. I then got the ILYBNILWY speech. I was in dismay and shock. How did we do a whole 180 in just a matter of weeks. I asked him to work on things and he even set up a counseling session for us. We went 3 times before he refused to go back. During that time, we were still together, but I asked him to please stop going out 5 nights a week and focus on our marriage. Might I add, he was also staying out all night long. He also wants to sell our home and just “go away”. And here comes the descent...
November 2009: On our 3rd counseling session, H tells MC that he is done and wants a divorce. MC didn't see that one coming nor did I. He dropped the D word without warning to me beforehand. I guess it was safe for him. A few weeks later, I discover the aforementioned 22 year old co-worker is more than just a friend, but a full blow EA. “She understands me”. Horrified I confronted him and begged, cried, and pursued as we have seen time and time again. There are some major blowouts over her. He moves out after the confrontation and is livid with me for “getting in his business”. He declares the marriage dead and spends the rest of the month angrier at me than I have ever seen him. Blows up at me and is just plain cruel. Rewritten our marriage to say that he has NEVER been happy.
December 2009: I read DB and DR and start visiting BB. I decide the LRT is right for my situation and husband starts being kinder. Declares he wants to be friends and even tells me his relationship with OW is over. That is a lie and I know this for a fact. I even let him spend the weekend at our marital residence while his brothers visit so they will not suspect we are separated. Caught him going through my phone because of my “getting a life” and going out with friends. He's wondering where I've been going, but I am vague at best. We have one more blowout about OW, because I just couldn't bite my tongue (stupid, I know!). He declares that he doesn't want to speak to me or even run into me in town until the new year. This was a Monday. By Wednesday, (OW was out of town), he called and asked me to dinner. He tells me how sorry he is and says that he has screwed up the best thing he ever had (me), but doesn't mention D word, but doesn't want to come home. He even invites me on a snowboarding trip in a few weeks, to which I reply “I don't know, I will have to get back to you on this”. Also, in the past week, he has come over to the house for silly reasons and is calling more often. His tone is softer with me, although I know the OW is still in the picture and he spends the night at her house. I don't know where to go from here. He even brought me things to the house when I was ill (something that was unfathomable a month ago when he “hated” me, his words). In the meantime, he has set up and appointment with a realtor to sell the house. That's been 2 weeks and he hasn't mentioned it or sent me anything from the realtor, although he said he would a week ago. He also has not taken any of his paychecks from being deposited from our bill paying account, just a little each week to live on.
Are these baby steps? I don't know what's going on here. By “going dim”, is this allowing his affair to grow? So confused as I have not brought up other woman since the last blow out a few weeks ago. Please let me know your thoughts on this situation. Sorry it's such a long post, but this is actually the condensed version. Calling all DB-er's, am I doing the right things? His actions are so confusing as he is angry with me and now almost euphoric with me now since I am being his friend and yet he is still seeing OW. Help!!!
Oh, guess I should mention we have been married almost 4 years and are both in our late 20's. I know it seems early for an MLC, but from what I've read there are cases of MLC's hitting men early.
It seems that many MLCs have a trigger, on top of age... I'd say that sure looks like the case here!
It sounds to me like you are doing pretty well. I don't think you can force the issue on the OW right now, I think he would just run to her if you did. On the other hand, I think it looks like he is already seeing that she isn't "all that". Maybe even sooner than you could have hoped.
The only thing I would say right now is that trying to decode his actions right now isn't going to do anything but give you a headache. I think right now patience is your friend.
I know you are right about the OW, but it literally plagues my mind ALL day. I know that it is physical as well, why else would he be spending the night with her so frequently. Please, don't think I'm fooling myself into thinking he will be home tomorrow, but is it possible that he is being nice to me despite the rage he has had and still wants a divorce? I feel like sometimes he is content being with this woman and having me as a friend and is walking through life whistling dixie! Thanks for the hugs and the response. I'm so confused and new at this, that my head is spinning and fortunately I have found this site and books within months of the bomb drop as opposed to later!
Well, there's no telling what he is thinking. Or if he is thinking!
He could well still think he wants a divorce. There's nothing you can do to snap your fingers and change that. And it could well be that for now, he thinks this is a perfectly acceptable way to live. But it seems to me that he is questioning that. Of course, in an MLCer that can go on for a while, and he can flip-flop at the drop of a hat.
All you can do is take care of yourself. At some point, you will have to decide if you can forgive the A, some can, some can't. In my opinion, the good thing is that you don't have to decide until you are ready to. Keep breathing. Try to be a better you every day. And don't try to rush yourself into anything.
Detach as best you can this early into the journey-it'll protect your emotions.
Being a friend is fine- it got my H coming back after the first separation, we'll see about now.
Continue focusing on you, GALing, protecting yourself financially. If H moves out, it actually may be easier for you, as long as you don't obssess about H's thoughts, whereabouts, the OW...Just don't. I know its hard, but if you can, it will save you needless heartache.
What I would have done different with what I know now, 1 year later: -I wouldn't have sold our house(too much change for my daughter's) -Stop obsessing over my H's thoughts, MLC timetable, the OW- stop snooping -GAL sooner -No excuses to friends, family, kids..basically no comment on H's wackiness. -Gotten myself more in tune with my finances, taken over the finances sooner(since its pretty much my paycheck) -Gone on that vacation in March and this December that I had wanted with the girls(D12, D14) -Not let my H move back home before he was ready. -Didn't respect H's request for distance and privacy sooner(have done this now)
Things I (think) I did right: -Exercised! -Took to heart the real issues/complaints H had that were valid and worked on myself-alot -Read, read, read everything I could about forgiveness, affairs, MLC -Confided in friends that didn't really associate with H -Didnt talk to family about H's MLC(til just recently when H told them he was divorcing me) -Learned to Forgive his affair. Forgave (in my mind) the OW. -Remained and acted like a true best friend to H -Remember why I'm still standing for my marriage and my H when I'm down...because I truly do believe H is a great man in a difficult place/journey, who I love dearly
Hope something in there helps!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
That really does help. Especially the obsessing. I tend to overanalyze everything he does. It drives me nuts, but I can't seem to stop. I also am having a really hard time keeping my mouth shut about the OW. Everytime he lies about where he is, I have to fight the urge to call him out or ask questions about her (mainly to let him know I'm not an idiot and I know everything that is going on).
I'm trying my best to detach. He isn't in the house anymore and I'm trying to "go dim" as much as possible. I still find myself having the urge to call him or text him. Right now, I got a voicemail (which he hasn't left me an actual voicemail in month) from him asking how I was feeling because I was under the weather. I want to badly to return the call because the fact that he left a voicemail is something unusual for him since this all started. I don't think I will, but it kills me. Thank you for the pointers that really helps seeing your "hind sight". I will pray for your marriage KJ. I hope everything works out for you and your husband. Keep praying!
I'm a Carolina girl too. Remember - we're really steel magnolias underneath. I'm so sorry you're going through this but you sound smart and rational and like the others said, you'll need plenty of patience too.
Your H is young for MLC but a traumatic event can set it off at any age really. He needs plenty of compassion and validation right now. Learn to say this "I'm sorry you feel this way" when he goes off and and this "I understand" when he is expressing his feelings.
Don't discuss how you feel at all - he won't hear it.
And the OW - that's the killer alright. My H shared a lot about her in the beginning, without prompting from me. I figured knowledge is power so I listened. But some will say to tell him "please do not disrespect me by talking about her." You'll just have to decide what you can handle.
Watch your finances like a hawk. If he becomes more involved with OW he'll spend like he's the king of the world and then act stupid about it if you call him on it. If you have a joint account start putting away as much as you can in your own private account.
I'll be away some over the holidays and may not be able to post much until next week. Holidays can be emotionally draining - please take care of yourself.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
Glad to see a fellow Carolinian! Sometimes I think we forget how fortunate we are to live in such a beautiful region.... except when it's this cold!
I have already taken care of the financial situation, ie. transferring funds to my account as soon as they are deposited. I know it sounds harsh, but I could very well see him draining the account out of spite and I don't know what kind of nudging she's giving him. He's up one day and down the other and I don't want to become the victim to his apathy towards our lives and finances. He's not rational right now and his change in his daily demeanor towards me is frightening at times.
Thanksgiving almost killed me. I was devastated and went to Charlotte to visit my family and couldn't make it 10 minutes without crying or, excuse me, vomiting from the thought. Rational, I don't know??? I went to our family doctor and he put me on a low dose of antidepressents to help me cope a little bit better. Seems to have made life a little easier from time to time although I was generally adamant about never taking long term prescriptions that were not absolutely necessary.
I fought to urge to call him. He screamed about wanting space in the beginning and I have tried, but slipped several times because I'm a "fixer" by nature. I have for the last few weeks backed off quite drastically from the way I was in the beginning. Seems to have gotten him to come around and call more, but I just don't want him to mistake this for condoning his behavior. I guess it doesn't matter what I think.
We shall see. I'm trying to take it all one day at a time, but that is the true challenge for me because patience is not my strongest virtue. However, I am staying hopeful although some days are worse than others and somedays I want to grab him by his shirt collar and tell him what an absolute jerk he is being. I appreciate all thoughts and feedback and I hope you have a wonderful holiday!!
You have to stop talking about her. You will push him further away from you and closer to her.
She is NOT the problem, his issues are. It sounds like his fathers passing has thrown him into a crisis of sorts.
You can't talk your way out of this. You can't reason or rationalize with him right now and you can't expect him to be like the old normal H.
You have to take a few steps back. It's up to you to stay even keeled. He will bounce back and forth and he will also take you along for the ride if you let him.
For starters, if he is getting angry with you for no reason, stay calm and say "it's not ok for you to treat me this way" then walk away or hang up the phone.
Do your absolute best not to show him any negative emotions.
There is a ton of excellent information in the resources. Learn all you can and ask questions. Don't be afraid to post to others.
This takes lots of time and an unbelievable amount of patience. Focus on you, you have no control over him. The faster you get this the better off you will be.
Calling all DB-er's, am I doing the right things? His actions are so confusing as he is angry with me and now almost euphoric with me now since I am being his friend and yet he is still seeing OW. Help!!!