Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Rocked - started reading your thread on your sitch. Still a ways to go - tons of similarities though, need to conintue to get thru it. Same emotions, same lack of sleep, both with high profile jobs, trouble detaching, uncertainty about if the A still going on, still in same house, my main GAL thus far has been becoming the primary care giver for the kids, Great stuff, thanks for stopping by and giving your two cents.

[Wonderful!]

GW,
I understand you issue relating to the pursuing/anxiety. You need to address you anxiety in IC.

[rockedworld]

Glad to help... when I read some of your initial posts I could just feel for you, because it was so recently that I felt the same way. I can see you struggling with detaching and the anxiety that comes with all this... and I could just relate.

I hope your approach today helps. Remember, it takes a while to see results so if it doesn't seem to do anything, don't waver. Stay strong. Let her come to you. Then you can be responsive and supportive... within your boundaries.

Regarding her going away to the funeral, I think it is important that you don't show the anxiety you are feeling. You need to appear as though you are fine, you and the kids will be great. Maybe plan some really fun activities for you and the kids. Remember... do it for YOU and the kids.

Hope your weekend goes well....

[gutwrenching]

Looking for some help, make sure I continue down the right path. Still going strong, zero pursuit/no contact at all today, although I am still worried. Even though she works about 100 yards away from me, haven't seen her, haven't talked, haven't e-mailed, haven't TM'd. I did have my awkward moment of the day when what is essentially the CEO asked me how W was doing today, how she was holding up, is she sleeping. At least I could steer most the conversation to the sleep since we are sleeping in the same bed and that piece I know about.

Back to the help. As I follow Sandi's sage advice, no contact, and if after she gets home I follow the model with pretty short/basic answers to questions, I know the reaction I normally get. W will ask me one of three things, if not all three: Are you mad at me? What is wrong? Are you ok today?. "What is wrong" is the most likely question.

What is the best way to answer? I suspect by the time we get to this point, the kids and I will be well into our usual Fri night routine of pizza and movies. I could be wrong, but she hasn't come home before 9PM yet this week, so even if she comes home earlier than normal, it'll still be later.

I want to get this one right. I still feel we made a couple of baby steps forward this week, although she has pulled back some, she has not pulled back all the way to where we were a week ago. Need to keep even or another baby step forward.

Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom. Just being able to type and ask helps me.

Wonderful - appreciate the response. I am not in IC right now, to be honest, I couldn't if I wanted too because of job and basically being a full-time single parent these days. I feel like i've been a single parent for at least a month now and it has actually been rewarding and helped. It has made me see I could do this on my own to include the kids and has helped me come to grips with the reality that it might not work, but I can handle it all. If this does end up in S or D, I want my kids. I have not told W that, but she has hinted at it (tried to bring up the fact how much they have bonded with me, mad at the fact that they could turn to me so easily when I wans't this good of a dad for the years before) and tried to get me to talk about it. I think that would be counter-productive, so I don't discuss and change the subject. I do wonder if she is seeing how much she needs me these days for the kids. I think she might. She said to me the other day that it was comforting for her to know that the kids were being fully taken care of and she could take care of this situation with the death without worrying about the kids, even though she is missing them (finally...it is becoming obvious that not being with the kids is eating at her...so the EA/WAW fog might still be there but not as thick).
Lastly, I don't think I'd use the word anxiety to describe what I feel. Not sure what the right word is, need to think about that one.

[gutwrenching]

"Stay strong. Let her come to you"...words to live by rest of today, tonight, this weekend. Tough, but I think the thing I'm starting to learn is don't let a slip turn into a fall. Think I've done that before...
I'll probably screw up again, but I've read enough other posts too to realize, put it behind me quickly and get back on track.

[sandi2]

It is always better when one figures out what the answer is to the question they asked. You did a great job in realizing why you have a hard time with NC while she's at work. Not only is it about trust issues, but it's the fact that you have no control there like you do in your own home.

You have made it through a hard day but you've won the battle of NC this time. Taking a day at a time (sometime 1/2 hour at a time)is the way to get there. Was it you that I asked how you would climb a moutain?

I understand a little bit of how embarrassing it is not to be able to answer the questions people are asking about your W (just not for the same reasons). However, most of that is bothering you b/c of the stitch and feeling like people will notice and think it is odd that you can't tell them how your own W is doing. The other fellow would just shrugg it off and say, "You'll have to ask her", and it wouldn't phase him.

Are you mad at me? What is wrong? Are you ok today?. "What is wrong" is the most likely question.

What is the best way to answer?

It's all in the tone of voice and the attitude you give off when you answer her. I suspect you may be not talking quite enough. Sometimes it's hard to stay balanced with this stuff. In MWD advice about short answers, I can see how that could be carried to extreme and the LBS be too short on the answer and thereby seemingly mad about something.

My suggestion would be to not be just sitting watching TV or reading the paper, or something "quiet" like that. People can be very angry and watch TV. Some can come across as sulking if they aren't saying much. I think it is probably such a drastic change for you that she thinks something's up. So.....some guilt may be there also.

When she comes in, act very upbeat when she first walks in the door. You know....smile and give a friendly "hi" and how was your day sort of thing. If she will talk, then sit down and listen to her (but don't follow her around to listen to her). If she really wants you to listen, she'll stay put. If she asks questions, then give a satisfactory answer without going on & on about it. I think one reason MWD gives that advice also is to keep some LBH's from asking too many questions of the WAW and to not appear like he is quizing her and being snoopy.

Staying occupied when not talking is important and then it won't look as if you are acting like your feelings are hurt about something. If she asks if you are mad at her, say..."Of course not. Should I be?" But then smile a cute smile at her and turn it off with something else funny to say. May have to think of something in advance. I'm not the best at giving answers like this, but I do believe in trying to keep things as light as possible while getting the R back on track. But again, you have to keep that in balance also b/c if she is going deeper with her EA, she will be watching you to see if you can tell she's cheating again. It is more important that she respect you than trying to keep the air light between you.

If she asks if you're okay, then look into her eyes and smile and say, "Of course, I'm fine!" That is about all you can do b/c if you keep "trying" to prove to her with words....it is over-kill. Try not to worry so much about it. I think you are exhausted and worried to the point you are so uptight and that has you acting odd to her. She knows yuou very well. Most W's can read their H's body language and she knows there's something but she can't get you to say. But, that's good b/c you are not falling into the R talk trap!

If she asks what's wrong.....again you act innoncent and say, "Nothing at all!" Then ask her something.....like has she thought about what she wanted to eat for dinner. I believe if you can think of some topics of interest that you could sort of change the subject...whenever she asks one of those questions, that might help you turn it off.

You are under a lot of pressure. Know where that pressure is coming from? I bet you do. I sort of cringed when you said you "just wanted to get this one right". You are going to make some more mistakes. We all do. Your W will make them also. Life is not going to stop if you do. I don't think she will leave that minute if you make one (in this measure anyway)and if she did....she isn't the woman you need!

Be your own best friend, GW. Whenever you are so worried and let the fear get control then you've lost. Right now....the OM or the EA is not the real enemy. Fear is the true enemy in this R. That is why "dropping the rope" works with most WAS. B/c the LBS stops pulling on the rope, out of fear, and lets go. He not only drops the rope, but he drops the fear. She sees that, and when he is no longer paralyzed with fear, then she responds. It isn't something that can be faked very well. Like I said, she is your W and she knows you very well. So, if you don't think you can drop the rope, at least you can detach, right?

You are a winnner in your life. It depends on how you see a winner. I won't ask your description of it.....b/c it isn't necessary to tell me...as long as you know what it is. I believe you are a winner. I think you just needed to do some adjusting and some self-improvements, but you will make it. You can do this!

Look attractive at home. Act attractive at home. Smell attractive at home. Just as you have a picture of what a winner in life would look like......I bet you have your idea of what an attractive man would seem to a woman. If not, I can get a group of gals together here on the board and we can try to paint a picture as best that we can. Hey, that might be fun, huh?

Talk to you later. Good job today!

[DDogs]

It is always better when one figures out what the answer is to the question they asked. You did a great job in realizing why you have a hard time with NC while she's at work. Not only is it about trust issues, but it's the fact that you have no control there like you do in your own home.

You have made it through a hard day but you've won the battle of NC this time. Taking a day at a time (sometime 1/2 hour at a time)is the way to get there. Was it you that I asked how you would climb a moutain?

I understand a little bit of how embarrassing it is not to be able to answer the questions people are asking about your W (just not for the same reasons). However, most of that is bothering you b/c of the stitch and feeling like people will notice and think it is odd that you can't tell them how your own W is doing. The other fellow would just shrugg it off and say, "You'll have to ask her", and it wouldn't phase him.

Are you mad at me? What is wrong? Are you ok today?. "What is wrong" is the most likely question.

What is the best way to answer?

It's all in the tone of voice and the attitude you give off when you answer her. I suspect you may be not talking quite enough. Sometimes it's hard to stay balanced with this stuff. In MWD advice about short answers, I can see how that could be carried to extreme and the LBS be too short on the answer and thereby seemingly mad about something.

My suggestion would be to not be just sitting watching TV or reading the paper, or something "quiet" like that. People can be very angry and watch TV. Some can come across as sulking if they aren't saying much. I think it is probably such a drastic change for you that she thinks something's up. So.....some guilt may be there also.

When she comes in, act very upbeat when she first walks in the door. You know....smile and give a friendly "hi" and how was your day sort of thing. If she will talk, then sit down and listen to her (but don't follow her around to listen to her). If she really wants you to listen, she'll stay put. If she asks questions, then give a satisfactory answer without going on & on about it. I think one reason MWD gives that advice also is to keep some LBH's from asking too many questions of the WAW and to not appear like he is quizing her and being snoopy.

Staying occupied when not talking is important and then it won't look as if you are acting like your feelings are hurt about something. If she asks if you are mad at her, say..."Of course not. Should I be?" But then smile a cute smile at her and turn it off with something else funny to say. May have to think of something in advance. I'm not the best at giving answers like this, but I do believe in trying to keep things as light as possible while getting the R back on track. But again, you have to keep that in balance also b/c if she is going deeper with her EA, she will be watching you to see if you can tell she's cheating again. It is more important that she respect you than trying to keep the air light between you.

If she asks if you're okay, then look into her eyes and smile and say, "Of course, I'm fine!" That is about all you can do b/c if you keep "trying" to prove to her with words....it is over-kill. Try not to worry so much about it. I think you are exhausted and worried to the point you are so uptight and that has you acting odd to her. She knows yuou very well. Most W's can read their H's body language and she knows there's something but she can't get you to say. But, that's good b/c you are not falling into the R talk trap!

If she asks what's wrong.....again you act innoncent and say, "Nothing at all!" Then ask her something.....like has she thought about what she wanted to eat for dinner. I believe if you can think of some topics of interest that you could sort of change the subject...whenever she asks one of those questions, that might help you turn it off.

You are under a lot of pressure. Know where that pressure is coming from? I bet you do. I sort of cringed when you said you "just wanted to get this one right". You are going to make some more mistakes. We all do. Your W will make them also. Life is not going to stop if you do. I don't think she will leave that minute if you make one (in this measure anyway)and if she did....she isn't the woman you need!

Be your own best friend, GW. Whenever you are so worried and let the fear get control then you've lost. Right now....the OM or the EA is not the real enemy. Fear is the true enemy in this R. That is why "dropping the rope" works with most WAS. B/c the LBS stops pulling on the rope, out of fear, and lets go. He not only drops the rope, but he drops the fear. She sees that, and when he is no longer paralyzed with fear, then she responds. It isn't something that can be faked very well. Like I said, she is your W and she knows you very well. So, if you don't think you can drop the rope, at least you can detach, right?

You are a winnner in your life. It depends on how you see a winner. I won't ask your description of it.....b/c it isn't necessary to tell me...as long as you know what it is. I believe you are a winner. I think you just needed to do some adjusting and some self-improvements, but you will make it. You can do this!

Look attractive at home. Act attractive at home. Smell attractive at home. Just as you have a picture of what a winner in life would look like......I bet you have your idea of what an attractive man would seem to a woman. If not, I can get a group of gals together here on the board and we can try to paint a picture as best that we can. Hey, that might be fun, huh?

Talk to you later. Good job today!

EXCELLENT ADVICE !!
Sandi2, I always seem to pull a nugget of wisdom from your posts, long or short....
lurking and reading

my sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1904064#Post1904064

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - thanks for the detailed response. You have helped me so much over the past few weeks, words do it no justice. Please be proud of the difference you make in people's lives.

While I was reading your response, my phone rang at work, it was W's work number. I turned on my brain and said let the secretary answer...as luck would have it, I heard the secretary on the other line, so I had to answer, but didn't give the "Hi" like I normally would recognizing the number, I answered official. Luckily, I had just read the tone in the voice comment from you, so I made sure to turn on a little of the glad to hear from you tone in my voice.
She was not friendly, but not cold either. If she had been overly friendly, I would have been worried to be honest. She said hi and said I am calling to let you know that I am going to the hospital to visit the W of the deceased. She's very sick. I acted interested and asked a couple short questions about the sickness and then just said that is fine because I was going to leave a little earlier than usual to give the nanny a break on a Friday. W then tells me she learned of an iphone app that we have to download to our phones tonight when she gets home. I said sounds good. She then said again, I just wanted to let you know I am going to the hospital and calling is easier than texting. I said thanks. And that was the end of the conversation. I made sure I didn't ask how late, heck I didn't even ask her which hospital she is going too.

I can see how that could be carried to extreme and the LBS be too short on the answer and thereby seemingly mad about something.

I'm guilty of this I'm sure. Got to watch out, got to find the balance which is a perfect word and one that hits home with me.

My suggestion would be to not be just sitting watching TV or reading the paper, or something "quiet" like that. People can be very angry and watch TV. Some can come across as sulking if they aren't saying much. I think it is probably such a drastic change for you that she thinks something's up. So.....some guilt may be there also.

I would have never have thought of that. Thanks. yes it is probably too extreme for me.

I'm not the best at giving answers like this

You are better than you think...I like your answers.

If she asks if you are mad at her, say..."Of course not. Should I be?" But then smile a cute smile at her and turn it off with something else funny to say.

That is perfect for me...that will work well with the way I have been acting/behaving since coming up from hitting rock bottom and getting out of the pleading/beggin stages.

You are under a lot of pressure. Know where that pressure is coming from? I bet you do.

I want to answer that one separately and later. Need to reflect and make sure I am being honest with myself.

Be your own best friend, GW. Whenever you are so worried and let the fear get control then you've lost. Right now....the OM or the EA is not the real enemy. Fear is the true enemy in this R.

You sure you don't have a PHD in this stuff? This quote is powerful to me. I have to be my own best friend right now, I've lost mine and given the situation (family, high level work positions, kids, moving this summer) there aren't other options. Fear - that is the enemy. Fear of the unknown. I am not ready to drop the rope, I know that much. I'm not going to kid myself. I can start detaching, I can get there, I have to get there. It is hard. We were apart because of work for 6 months (May - Oct) this summer and I was detached then by being so many time zones apart, so I was looking forward to re-connecting when we got together again only to walk into a WAW situation. So that's been tough. My needs (of all types/levels) have been unfulfilled now for a long time, though I realize not compared to stretches of time in past for W.

The winner question is tough for me. I've been having to refine that and i don't know if I have it all figured out yet. My changes have been deep and rapid so my whole world is spinning. In fact, my changes in attitude about job/career have actually pissed W off. But she can't make me stay on the same path I was on. If this turns out like I want it too, I need more time to build a new M. If this turns out otherwise, I need the time to be a Super Dad and possbily single parent. So I have made some decisions that I feel GOOD about but I think that she feels I am turning down opportunities that I shouldn't. But at this point I HAVE TOO and its what I WANT to do, so I'm not giving her a vote. She used to get a vote, that changed when she announced she had decided she was going to leave in the summer and she wasn't even going to tell me until then.

Smell attractive at home

I have never worn cologne except a little her and there on special occassions. I've read this comment from both you and Greek, so it has tons of validity. But my concern is it might seem like pursuing again if I go out, buy some, and start wearing cologne. What do you think?

The look attractive is something I am working hard on. No more sloppy lounge clothes, hair is always brushed, contacts instead of glasses at almost all times, and trying hard to put back on the weight I lost after the bomb was dropped. I was always a skinny person and was probably near my ideal weight. After the bomb was dropped, I lost another 12 pounds in a matter of weeks and have had a hard time putting it back on. I am trying hard because I am too thin now (My opinion) and the W's opinion too. She keeps on telling me I need more meat on my bones. That is the first thing she said to me the night of suicide when she came over and fell asleep on my chest. Every meal, she is shoving extra food/helpings on my plate. This is a problem I've never had before...I've always had to watch what I eat to keep weight where I want it. Now I need to add another 10 pounds and I thought all the food of Christmas would do it, but it didn't do a darn thing.

Thanks again...glad I'm not the only one who writes long posts.

[gutwrenching]

The group of gals, yes that might be fun? Thanks for the humor too.

[gutwrenching]

OK - here we go - W just called me at the house to let me know she was on her way home. I said ok, the girls and I are just having pizza and watching a movie. Ok she says and then like it was built up or something, she blurts out loudly "you didn't call me or text me or anything today!" My reply: you were busy, I was busy and you didn't call or text or anything to me either." W responded I called you. I just let that go...that wasn't a call to talk/see how I was doing and she knows it. She starts to go into another chatty topic of some sort and I just nicely kind of interject and say see you when you get home. Oh, ok she says, yes I guess I'll leave now; that is another rarity for me, I ended the conversation. She certainly noticed BIG TIME that I did not pursue or contact. See how rest the evening goes.