Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

again, thanks to all, the support and advice means a lot to me. And for the first update on a real action after confronting the W about the EA and laying down a boundary,

Although she decided to sleep in the guest room (after asking me what I wanted her to do and I told her sleep wherever she wants, I am fine with her in our bed), I noticed the first step. She is no longer friends on facebook with OM. So that only took a few hours.

She is still livid at me and we left one car at work this weekend, so the morning commute is going to be awkward, but I guess a step is a step, right.

[gutwrenching]

Disregard, I smell more deception. The OM is no longer on Facebook at all...and this guy was a facebook junkie. On it all the time, over 500 friends. he doesn't exist on it any longer...I smell a rat.

[WeldingGuy]

Disregard, I smell more deception. The OM is no longer on Facebook at all...and this guy was a facebook junkie. On it all the time, over 500 friends. he doesn't exist on it any longer...I smell a rat.

I smell a change in privacy settings to block YOU....

[Dane]

I never did find the OW, since this EA is out of state. I found a ton of info on addresses, phone numbers, etc. I used several techniques and all dead ends. They may well have divorced and she changed her name.
The exposure to my wife, was met with bitter denial, some anger, attacks, blame, etc. I put up the boundary, I do not know if she is following it. I know we are not working on our marriage.
Checking on the boundary would be possible, but to what end now? It would only hurt me more. I am prepared for the worst, but want to save my marriage.
I was more extreme, shutting off her phone, cancelling CC all in my name.

[Greek]

Greek,
Thanks for the words. Do know that they would be ok financially together. My wife and I have quite a savings, so 1/2 that plus 1/2 his (and obtw a lawyer) and I don't think financial concerns will have a big effect on her mentality. With that in mind, what do you suggest.

Didn't you say he is married with three children? He's not going anywhere - whether he has the funds to do it or not. Men see themselves as providers ~ even if they are providers who have A ~ they generally don't leave. It's very, very costly to them. The scenarios I've read on this forum inform me that exposing the A to the OM's W usually puts a screeching halt to it right away. That's my advice to you. Your W will not stop it on her own, Gutw'ing. She thinks OM is going to be her soft landing after leaving you...which she has NOT done yet. Probably b/c ... OM won't pull the trigger on walking out on his family.

You don't have one chance at repairing/improving this M with OM around. You sound like you don't want to play hardball with your W. Anything short of a firm boundary with a stated consequence will not work. You have been irrelevant to her long enough to be involved in a relationship with another man, Gutw'ing! Laying down a kinda sorta boundary with almost consequences will not put you on her radar screen, will not highlight your strength, will not earn her respect. And without her respect, you are ... irrelevant.

Greek

[Greek]

She said she got what she expected, an ultimatum, but didn't expect to hate me so much for it.

I told her either it ends with him, or she moves out and she deals with the fallout of her reputation.

And did I mention we work at the same place in fairly high profile jobs. Boy is it going to fun going to work tomorrow and we are supposed to carpool in, my car is still at work. Not good planning on my part

"W, I did not give you an ultimatum. I told you what my boundary is. I will not be married to a woman who shares her affection and attention with another man. You are free to make your choice."

So at work, you are to be FABULOUS, Gutw'ing! Be ON! Smiling, chatting, in control, looking good, smelling good. And I think you have plans after work today, don't you? Not Christmas shopping - just meeting some friends for some holiday cheer at the local watering hole. "W, I'm skipping dinner tonight. I'm grabbing a drink after work with some friends. I won't be late. See ya!" She's not the only one who can be Fabulous

Greek

[gutwrenching]

Going out not a real option. I am currently basically the primary provider for the kids and really I want/need to be them right now. I think they sense the tension and uneasiness going on

[Greek]

Then take the kids out. "W, don't worry about dinner for us. Kids and I are going to be out this evening." Show her you have a life with or without her.
Greek

[gutwrenching]

"Didn't you say he is married with three children? He's not going anywhere - whether he has the funds to do it or not. Men see themselves as providers ~ even if they are providers who have A ~ they generally don't leave."

Greek, you are right and deep down my W knows it. This is all about the EA for her. Based on jobs, he cannot move for a min of 2.5 years and she cannot move again (after this summer for at least 18 months) and there is no way for her to get assigned with him. So best case is 2.5 years before they can get together. Both are withing 4 years of being able to draw a retirement check, they won't lose that.
I'm ok with playing hardball with my wife, but just want a real effort from her on the M. We were separated from each other for 6 months this summer because of work. When we got back together, things weren't good. At one point, I blew up about all this on-line chatting with a guy that she was keeping secret from me. That's when she dropped the bomb that she was plotting to leave to didn't love me anymore. Since then, no real effort on her part on our M.
So firm boundary needs to be stop all contact or I contact OM's wife. Right?
Does this really work?

Next point - in part II of our conversation (she brough it up after kids in bed) she tells me that she has noticed the change and she doesn't even like a lot of the new me. She doesn't know who this is. What in the world do I do with piece of information?

[Greek]

So firm boundary needs to be stop all contact or I contact OM's wife. Right?
Does this really work?

Usually, yes. He will run for the hills. Not b/c you have scared him but b/c his W is going to scare him. Look, if he loved your W enough to leave, he would have done it by now. He does NOT want his W to know - and all that implies.

"W, if you have contact with OM, I will notify his W and start the clock on your three weeks to get yourself moved out of the family home. I will not share your attention and affection with another man." Firm.

Next point - in part II of our conversation (she brough it up after kids in bed) she tells me that she has noticed the change and she doesn't even like a lot of the new me. She doesn't know who this is. What in the world do I do with piece of information?

"W, whether you like my improvements or not is neither here nor there. I have made changes to suit myself b/c I want to be a better man for me."

It is probably not so much that she doesn't LIKE the changes - she doesn't TRUST the changes.

Greek