Where in the world did that come from !!!

[blownaway65]

Thanks Pearl & Aver, been mulling the way I'm feeling over all day and I think I've got it. Not so much to do with me & W as the kids.

Since the bomb and W leaving I've been the only constant and the rock in their lives and I guess I probably overcompensated with the kids as my way of saying "Hey this is (partly) my fault, how can I make it up to you guys" and have spoilt them thru guilt on my part.

Have talked to the 2 younger ones and we are in agreement that I need to let them do their own thing and be more responsible and they have to take up that responsibility and run with it.

[blownaway65]

Shows how much I know !

Had a fantastic session with IC yesterday. We came to the conclusion that I have to be able to confront and deal with "bad stuff" rather than pushing it down and not dealing with it, because the outcome is usually way less bad than what I'm imagining it will be.

Once I "Got it", my last post became not about Me & the kids or Me and W. Just about Me. Rather than dealing with why I felt guilty, I've been doing everything else but what I should be doing.

So one of the "bad stuff" things I hadn't been dealing with was W & Me being able to be friends after all this is over, not friends as in 'Let's get a coffee' friends, but at least to be able to talk together in a civil manner. Like it or not, we are the kids parents together, we own a house together and over the next 3 years at least we will have to have interactions about kids, House, Finances etc. It would be way better to be able to do those things in a friendly manner rather than glaring at each other across a table, both filled with spite and vemon for the other.

So till now my method of dealing with it (and W's too) has been to completely ignore each other and just pretend that it's not there.

I had to drop S17 off at W's place last night, so I bit the bullet and brought the whole thing into the open with her.

Only took 5 minutes, I said that I was sorry we had finished up the way we had, that I didn't love her anymore but am happy that she is happy and that it was important to me that we could remain friends, but that I would understand if she couldn't get to that place.

Honestly at the end of the day I'm not so fussed if she can't do that - because I know I can, It was a really good way for me to 'face my demons' and not run from them.

Each and every day that goes by I can see myself growing into a more complete person and I like the opportunities that opens up for me. I also realize it's important that the kids are able to see that because like it or not, they will take a fair piece of me & W into their adult years. I don't want what they take from dad to be where I was months ago but rather where I am getting to .

[flowmom]

That sounds like a really positive step to take. Coparenting is forever...

[blownaway65]

So Cutter / Chatter posted this on the Alt:

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.

How freaky is this:

As per my last post, yesterday I fronted W about being friends - also about us both being more jointly responsible for raising kids. Don't know what will come of that if anything, but today ....

D17 (18 in 2 weeks) has her first serious BF. W is going away for long weekend with OM and I'm going away for long weekend with Jo. So D17 pipes up tonight "Going to the pics tomorrow night, can I stay the night with BF ?".

Now I've had the whole sex/pressure/drinking/responsibility/love U, trust you etc talk with D17 (and it was so hard being a dad doing that, but I did). I'm clear in my mind that D17 will do the right thing and I really think BF is a nice kid.

So for the last 7 months since W left those sort of things have been my call and we've got by I guess because we haven't had to go to these hard places. But now we do and Cutter's quote really struck a chord.

I texted W and told her D17 wanted to sleep over, that I trusted her and was OK but I would respect W's wishes on it. She texted that she was OK but wanted D17 to ring her. So D17 talked to her and guess what. W had EXACTLY the same conversation with D17 that I did.

BIG Step to let your daughter stay over alone with a guy, and it made me so relieved that I didn't have to make that decision just by myself and that W is in the same place about it that I am.

No matter how old your kids get, Parenting is forever.

[blownaway65]

So my Coffee Friend:

Background:

She's 46, no kids, divorced 2 years. Her H left her with a block of land that he said she could have as long as she stayed by herself, and nothing else.

She struggled with life for first year after, did some IC but stopped, then got onto RSVP dating site about a year ago.

Since then her life has been almost a quest to find her Mr Right. She's a cook so was able to travel and work at the same time. No kidding she has been all over Australia looking for Mr Right.

So I was the last of her coffee dates (ironic because I live only 40kms away from her home). If you've read my thread you'll know we hit it off really well from the start (and quickly, probably too quickly).

So I'm over and done with W, and I thought she was over her XH (in a way she is, can't stand him and becomes physically ill whenever he is near or in touch with her), but he still has this "hold" over her, treats her like dirt but she still reacts to it.

Up till 4 days ago, we were going along really well. Going out & having a great time, long walks & talks as well as sleeping together. Then her XH decided to turn up. He was there only 1 day, but she decided she couldn't take it so just up and ran!!!

I couldn't contact her for 3 days, then when she came back she said that she couldn't be with me or anyone, wasn't ready. Also that while she loved being with me and is blown away with the way I touch her and made her feel, it reminds her of her XH in the old days, and that she's been having nightmares when I'm not there - wouldn't tell me what about though.

Now:

So we talked, mostly about how she needed to get back into IC (she brought it up, I just agreed) to get over this "whatever it is" with XH. We both think that once she deals with that, the rest of her life will fall into place.

I know it's very reluctantly she's saying this, I can tell by her eyes. She feels she doesn't deserve anyone decent. It's like she's been in all these superficial R's (and most were just coffee and talking) for so long that she's almost afraid to get to actually know someone on a deeper level.

She is undecided about running again. She can make good money in Tasmania cooking, but would need to sign a contract for 4 months.

I know that whatever is "broken" in her isn't my job to fix, I just feel so bad that there's nothing I can do (my LL is definitely Acts of Service) except take the advice I've been giving people here. Give her Time & Space, let her go and get on with my life in the hope that once she has sorted her chit out she'll come back & I won't have moved on too much. She really is an amazing woman.

Deep, you posted on my thread a while ago about getting into a new R very quickly, I'd be interested in where that went and why.

Also any of you amateur Psychologists out there, would value input as to WTF is going on in her head.

[blownaway65]

Something wierd yesterday. Haven't seen W for around 6 weeks and I've been GAL'ing like you wouldn't believe.

So D18 is home from work sick (she thought she was pregnant but turns out the Pill isn't agreeing with her thank God, but that's a whole other story) & W turned up in the afternoon wondering where she was.

We chatted for a few minutes about D18 then she got in the car and drove off. It was the first time since she left that she's turned back and waved to me as she left though.

Then she called the home phone an hour or so later looking for S16. Strange that she didn't call his mobile number because she would know that it would be me that answered the home phone.

Not trying to read anything into it, just strange I thought.

[flowmom]

Blownaway, my sister has been doing a survey and the result is that most people say that it takes about 2 years to get over a D. I'm sure some people do start positive, healthy relationships during that time period, but probably many aren't ready. Sorry to hear that things are complicated with your friend. And kudos on the progress with establishing a coparenting R!

[blownaway65]

Just got a text from WAS, first contact in months.

'Have seen a solicitor about Property Settlement, expect a letter in the mail'.

Fantastic (and I'm being sarcastic) !!!