My wife and I have been married for 20 years and we have a teenage son. We both work in the travel industry and work opposite days so that someone can be home for our son. In a very short time frame my wife has shown the classic symptoms of a "run away wife". First the sex stopped, then the volcano erupted, then the wall went up not allowing me to change, or let me inside her life. I now get the "I am not sexually attracted to you therefore how can I have sex with you". She is using every thing I have done wrong in the past to justify her actions. She now has told me that we need to separate and she is looking for an apartment. I told her that I am not leaving that this is her issue. This all happened in a very short period of time. I am devastated. I had no idea this could happen so fast. I have tried to talk her out of leaving for my son’s sake and try to work things out. He will be devastated. She wants out! She told me that her heart says give me another chance, but her head says run. She does not know how to get the passion or the sexually attractiveness back. This seems to bother her most. I have made an appointment with a recommended MC. This is going to take 4 weeks to get in an appointment. I have found this website and ordered DR. It cannot come fast enough. Today was a common day off for both of us, and it was a disaster. She broke down in a crying panic (nervous breakdown type) saying I can’t take this anymore. I need to move out. I am just starting to understand, I think, what she is going through. What can I do? What do you recommend? I understand the DR book is for me only. What about the “The Marriage Breakthrough® Interactive Seminar on DVD” for both of us. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This has happen so fast I am scrambling for answers. Someone please point me in the right direction. I have already made some mistakes that I have learned by reading these boards
Thanks in advance
Me 49/Her 44 One son 13 M 20yrs ILYBINILWY 10/15/09 Bomb 11/27/09
First of all, try not to show panic b/c that is telling her that you are "needy" and it causes you to be unattractive in how you act around her. Remember that a divorce does not happen in a day or two. Try to do things for yourself that will bring a calmness to your body/mind. The majority of people supports going to gyms or some other workout sessions b/c of the benefits you receive, so I hope you will do something to help yourself.
You are doing the right thing by not moving out of the home....and don't let her talk you into leaving. Don't leave your marital bed. If she has a problem, then she'll have to find another place to sleep, but you stay in your bed.
The next thing I would suggest is that you focus on yourself and how you can change things about yourself....and for your sake....not just in order to please your W. The more your focus is on her, the more desparate you will act and you will not be the man she fell in love with and M 20 years ago. That is the one of the goals you need to make for yourself. Try to become the man you once were. It is hard, but we have many men here on the board who discovered that in busting a D, they found themselves after many years. We are here to encourage you and support you not only in getting through this tough time, but to help you become the best man you can be.
I would suggest that you not mention this web site to your W b/c it is really designed for the S who is trying to bust the D and not so much as a "couple's board", if you know what I'm trying to say. Just like the DR book, this board will be your "toolbox" or like a gameplan for you.....not your W. You would not expose your game plan to the opposing team, right?
On the home page of this site are many, many articles you can read by Michelle and on these formus are many chapters of her books, CD's, etc. Several of the DB Coaches have threads here......and at the very bottom of the forum list are the KLA posts, and they are very helpful. Looke for any threads by Michelle and read those. While you are waiting for your book, go to other places here on the board and read people's stories. You can reach out to them and it will help to build up your support group. You don't have to just limit it to the Newcomers section, but it helps to keep your thread in one section so it isn't too confusing to us. Many of us bounce around the board reading posts all over....so we'll find you.
It is rare to find a WAW here on the board b/c most people are the LBS. There are a few of us, however, and I think we all do whatever we can to help the LBH's understand what his W is going through or how she thinks.....as best we can.
The first thing you need to do is to back away from your W where the MR is concerned. Everything will feel like pressure to her and the more pressure she feels....the more she will want to run. She is feeling all types of confusion right now and at times it can be very scarey, so it will be best to not discuss the R at all. If she tries to bring it up....stop her and say, "Let's not discuss it right now. We'll talk after the holidays." Something that will postpone that talk.....or else tell her you don't wish to talk about it right now. Later, after a lot of time has passed....if she brings the R up, then you will feel stronger and be able to handle things better, but now, you want to stay away from any discussion of the R, whatsoever.
The next thing I would suggest is that your W go to see a specialist in hormone replacement therapy. As we females get older, our bodies stop producing those natural things that causes us to be interested in sex b/c we don't feel "desire". This happens to young women a lot, too, so it doesn't just happen later in life. The thing is, she won't know for sure unless she goes to a doctor that will do that kind of testing to see what her body is doing. I went for years that I had not desire whatsoever, and I felt like I was about to have a nervous breakdown. When I finally had a doctor to test me, he said my sex hormones were zero and I was a trainwreck. Don't mention that she may be facing menopause or anything like that, b/c some women don't react too kindly to that, but if you chose your timing well and suggest that she have a complete hormone check to see, then at least she would know if it was "physical" or not. If she is sincere about worrying why she does not feel "attraction" for you, then she should agree to do this. If she doesn't cooperate, then I would think she is emotionally involved with another man.
That is not anything a H wants to think about, but the truth is, it often leads to an EA (emotional affair). I had an EA and I assure you that I was the last person anyone would dream of doing that. There is so much going on that affects a woman's thoughts and emotions.....and finally, she is acting out of pure emotions and nothing else. That is why that you cannot think of her being the same girl she was when you M her. We'll get back to that another time. Just keep that tucked in the back of your mind.
The fact that the two of you seldom have time together, is a huge factor in the breakdown of the intimacy....I believe. She is busy working....and so are you. She is probably meeting attractive, exciting people.....and so are you. When a man's physical needs are not being met....he becomes vulnerable to OW. When a woman's emotional needs are not being met, she becomes vulnerable to OM. If some OM is pretending to be a close "friend" to your W and listen to her talk about her feelings.....she is at risk. It would be the same as if some half dressed sexy woman went and sat in your lap and started kissing a man who had not had sex in a DECADE.
So, if you suspect that your W may be involved with some special friend, then you have more than one problem on your hands. There are several signs that suggest an EA, but we can discuss that in another post....if you wonder about it.
In the meantime, resist from telling your W, "I love you". It is a form of pursuing and it puts pressure on her to say it back to you.......and she will resent you for saying it. My H would do that, and I knew he was saying it just to force me to say it back, and I almost felt hatred rise up in me.
Pull back from making contacts throughout the day with your W. No phone call, TM, VM, emails, etc. Unless is is strickly business or necessary.....don't contact her. That relieve pressure from her and it makes you appear....unavailable. She feels that you are smothering her, so you want to be unavailable. Don't follow her around the house, or ask a lot of questions about her day. Wait for her to tell you. Wait for her to contact you, and then you be sure you break the conversation first and say good-bye. It's almost like being single and playing "hard to get". But it works.
Act as if you have had an awakening in life and now you love doing everying. You act "as if" you are having a good time.....even if you really aren't. In other words, you show a positive attitude regardless of how you feel. You put that smile on your face and have fun. Know why? B/c people enjoy being around those who have fun. They enjoy being around positive, life-loving people. Just don't "over-kill" on whatever you do b/c she will see through it and call you a "fake". Stay balanced.
Don't try to do romantic things right now. Don't send flowers or have intimate dinner dates b/c the timing is not right. The thing that will cause her to want to draw closer to you.....is for you to pull back. Crazy, huh? But, it is human nature. It has been proven to work time after time. I believe the only times that we did not see a sucess story result from detaching, was b/c the S had waited too late before applying DB principles. So, I hope you will trust us and don't be afrraid to do what is suggested.
As for what books she can read.....there are so man out there, I would hardly know where to begin. Michelle does have one on the Sex Straved Marriage. That may help both of you, but as for her reading the DR book, I would strongly discourage that. In fact, don't leave it where she would find it. If she sees you reading any M material, she may resent it. I know, it sounds crazy, and you would think she would appreciate you being concerned, but if she is a WAW, and it sounds like she is....then her thoughts have changed. You will need to deal with her completely different than you have in the past.
Whether she is in MLC, I don't know. The symptoms of the WAW and MLC is so similar. The thing is for you not to try to figure out which is which....b/c for sure...she is a WAW. If she is in MLC....then it will last a lot longer. IMHO, that is the biggest difference. Dressing younger, acting like a teenager, changing her looks, going out all hours of the night wih friends.......sounds like MLC...but WAW's can do the same thing. Don't stress about if she's MLC right now. We'll take a step at a time, okay?
How has your W been about showing you respect? Do you feel that she may act as if she doesn't respect you as much as she did years ago? This is important to know, and that is why I'm asking.
There is so much to say, and I can't get it all in one post. I will be talking to you often. Please come back and post as much as you can. Holiday time will slow the board down some, so don't get discouraged by that.
Try to do your best to get through the holidays without any fights and stay calm. Get plenty of sleep and if you need to get meds to help...do whatever to stay well. That is most important. You can't think properly if you don't sleep and eat right. Are you having problems with depression? Don't let it go too long before seeing a doctor, if you are.
I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Oh, I forgot to mention the MC. If she is willing to "work" at the MR geting better....and you get a pro-marriage counselor, then it might help. But, if there is OM in the picture..anywere....it won't work. She must be ready to go to work...or she'll simply find reasons to leave you. That is the problem with so many C's, they will endorse what the WAW is wanting to do.....leave. Be very careful who you choose.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Check phone/cell phone records, do some intel gathering. I would bet a finger this is what you will find.
Womans Infidelity is scary as hell but it backs up the most recent thinking around here. A strong stand is the only thing that will save you. That eBook will give you understanding if nothing else.
Seek out Puppy Dog Tails on this board
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
TD. I have experienced what you going through. My W and I have been separated for 2 months now. Although I am still new I have learn so much in the past three months.
I would mske an appointment with one of the phone counseler from this site. I have had 4 so far with 5 more to come. The Phone sessions are great. I also was seeing a therapist locally but they seem to analyze and not give solutions.
The DB coaches are here to help you repair your marriage. After every session I feel great and motived.
If you have the money I would suggest getting the 6 sessions. I sign up for 3 and now I purchased the 6 sessions.
Stay focused, it's going to take time for your W to find herself . Read the self help books too.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Also there are many folks here that will keep saying there is OM. Don't let that bother you. Only you can make that assesment.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Absolutely, only you can make that assessment. That said, look into it. Just like curing an illness, the first step is to know what you are dealing with.
All the signs are there. I would love to be wrong.
Having had a DB coach and a cheating wife, I would tell you, save your money until you know what you are up against.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Sandi2, Thanks for the very long post. I found and read H MacDonald ebook. I found it quite interesting, and it uses the some of the same techniques that you talk about in the post. I have started to use these techniques. Sorry for just getting back on the boards here, but I had promised my wife and son that I would travel cross the country to my in-laws for Xmas. I had mixed emotions about doing this based on the rapidly developing situation, but it went very well. My wife and her parents treated me with respect, and my son love having me there. We we returned home her mood changed and started in on me, telling me that the only reason I went was that I was trying to make her look bad to our son when see tells him that we are separating. (which she has yet to do) She is planning on taking an apartment in the next town over. The arrangement will be as follows for my son's sake. We both travel for 2 days at a time with one overnight in another city. We do this opposite days so that someone will be home for our son. When I am gone she will move back into the house. When I am home she will move to the apartment. I want to give you some background on the close circle of women that she works, and associates with. Remember she spends a lot of time on the road with these women. Two of the woman's husbands sleep in separate bedrooms. They stay together for the kids and can't afford to get divorce, or sell the house due to economic conditions. One of her close friends just recently separated from her husband. One is just recently divorced. And 2 are married. I have made the mistakes in the past to talk about this with her, with statements like "not for nothing but don't we always tell our son you are who you hang out with". I now realize that I can't do this. This pushes her away further. I have backed off of her friends. As for respect. She has told me recently that she has lost a lot of respect for me. I do not think there is another Man involved sexually. I do question EA's. I have a few questions for the separation. I want to set some ground rules. Do we date other people during this time. (it has already been brought up. She is good with either one, or the other.) I prefer no. She wants to have dinner together with our son on common nights that we are home. What do you recommend? She has told me that if she could find a way to become sexually attracted to me again that she would give me a second chance. She old me that for the past year she was going through the motion as far as sex was concerned. She was doing it to try to keep me happy, that she was not really ever interested. I find this very strange because when we did have sex it is very good for both. The sex has now stopped. This is were she is struggling the most. We are both good looking, and very in-shape people. She is going to give this until the middle of March. The day my son finds out if he gets into boarding school. My feeling if he does, it will be over. I will keep you posted as the events unfold. Thanks again. You are awesome!
Even if she is attracted to someone else emotionally (EA), it will be extremely difficult -- if not impossible -- for her to generate sexual attraction to you while her brain is awash with love chemicals from OM.
