Hi Braveheart - Thanks for the visit! How are you? Glad to see you are still helping out and posting. I hope to do some visiting myself with the newbies this week and see if I can lend an ear or offer advice.
I don't know if I am poster child of moving along, but thanks for the compliments! It's a process to move forward just as MLC is a process. The key is to try to change your way of thinking - this what I call switching gears.
Switching gears is when you begin to start to spend less time on the crisis at hand - in this case MLC with WAS - and more time on you. You begin to think less of what STBX is doing and more about what you want to do. You start to see that there is hope - hope for the future with or without STBX.
However, many of my clients want to know, "how the heck do you do this shift?" Well, for one thing, you start to see yourself as less of a victim and more control of your future. By doing this, you need to really make it a priority that YOU matter!
Many of the veterans on the board have given great tools on switching gears. It's comparable to GAL and going dark. It's kind of doing that at once. When you GAL you are too busy working on yourself to stir over STBX's antics like you once were. But, the difference is, when you switch gears, you really are GALing for yourself and not to be more appealing to ex. It kind of happens unexpectedly. Really, it's like one day you go to bed and think, "Geez, I didn't think about STBX once today and it felt da@% good!"
It takes time, discipline the ability to accept where you are. As much as it sucks, (I know, I LIVED IT!) you really need to say to yourself, "Okay, I am in this sitch, I accept it, now what?" That is the beginning!
Be patient. Be diligent (to do all this - you really need to be committed!) but most of all BE HOPEFUL. Hope is all you really have right now and you need to be dreaming of a better future. If you envision that for yourself, you are truly more likely to achieve it and take the steps to get there.
I make a living by helping people move forward. I see people really rise to the challenge and I have seen people fall. But the reality is, when I meet with those people that look me in the eye and really say, "I need to change my life and I am ready to let go and move forward" I know that they will do just that.
You are more than your own history - one of my favorite quotes that I created years ago. It's true. Don't let the past define your future. You have to tools and the opportunity to be more than your STBX's crisis.
Make a list of the things you want to do/accomplish/see/experience and make a commitment to take the steps to achieve them. One foot in front of the other - one step at a time. Minute by minute, day by day, week by week, you can do it. It takes time and you have to be your own cheerleader.
The holidays are very difficult. Even for me, I found myself sinking back into familiar dysfunctional patterns of ghosts past and I had to snap myself out of it. I thought, "okay, I can sit and feel sorry for myself (my ex had the kids all xmas day) or I can write that million dollar novel I have been waiting to write. This is called switching gears.
I spent so many years being my own worst enemy. Beating myself up about what I did and didn't do for my husband and my marriage. But the equation is bigger than that. It's not all about what kind of wife/mother/daughter/friend I am - it was about ME and I had no idea who the heck I was! By the time my ex left I was a mere reflection of what I thought I was supposed to be according to what I thought my ex needed.
In reality, what was missing in our M was my identity and my ability to pull myself out of the crisis and get on with my life. Whether your reconcile or not, it will only make your R stronger with your ex or H. You will no longer be blaming him for the person that you aren't if you are working on the person you want to be.
DBing premises are pretty on target. You can still stand for your M by standing for yourself. You don't have to walk around like an egocentric MLCer, either. You can simply start each day with a personal TO DO list - just like you have for your Acme grocery runs. But this list is about you.
The New Year can be rough but it also can be exciting, too. You can use this time in your life as a means to truly be the you that you were intended to be. Give it a shot and see what happens!
Hi Everyone - Just wanted to wish you a all a Happy New Year!
I will try stop by and visit some threads now that I have done my writing for the day (check it out - my new blog - Ebenezer - A Life Coach?) My wordpress blog - google divorcesolutionsforyou.
Let me know what you think. I would love the feedback.
Wishing you a New Year full of love, laughter but most of all peace.
I knew that five years ago when all this stuff happened that one day I would make sense out of it all. I remember sitting on my neighbor's front step and looking at her in the eye and said, "Once I figure all this stuff out (MLC, the big D, basically, living a better life) I am going to help people."
I saw her over the summer and told her what I was doing. She reminded me of that night in 2004. "Wow," I thought,"finally is starting to make sense!"
So, that is where I am at in my life right now. How we live each day is a choice - are we going to be happy or mad, sad or hopeful. Not all decisions are easy and I do have my days. But each day I have to make a choice on how I choose to live it - no matter what deck I have been dealt. (And it isn't always peaches and cream.
I have to catch up on your sitch but you do sound terrific from the few posts I have read. So glad to see that you are on the boards helping the newbies. That is what is all about.
Happy 2010, BND. May this be a year full of love and peace.
xoxoxo MTN
*I posted a new blog on how to get through the holidays if you want to check it out - divorcesolutionsforyou - (google it and add the word "wordpress:). Let me know what you all think!! Would love your feedback!!
