Be forwarned that I am venting something that is bothering me.
I am the worlds stupidest man when it comes to relationship warning signs. It's a sad story that needs to be told. Don't be an idiot like me and ignore warning signs. Love and enfactuation can be blinding.
After being told by my wife of 23 years together she drops the "I don't love you anymore and want a divorce" bomb on me. Tells me she hasn't love me at least in the last 10 years. After this I took a long hard look at our history together and realized I was an idiot of epic proportions.
Warning sign #1 Ignored: (23 years ago)
The first time I slept with my (then) girlfriend and made a sexual advance on her she gave me the "I love you but not in love with you". BS! Next morning I was packing my stuff back into my car and she came home to stop me by telling me she did in fact love me etc. I fell for it like a sucker. I was in love with her and she knew it.
I should have walked right then.
Warning sign #2 Ignored: (23 years ago)
When I first started going out with her she had just dumped her (MARRIED) boyfriend because he would not leave his separated wife to be with her. He was basically using her as a ***-bucket at his convenience so when she met me she told him it was over. Yet when we both moved into our own apartment tegether she still wanted to give him our new address and phone number because she wanted to still "be friends with him"! I guess I was her 2nd choice backup stooge while she held him in reserve.
Total BS! I should have walked right then.
Warning sign #3 Ignored: (23 years ago)
After having sex with her a few times she decides to tell me she is pregnant and wanted to know how I felt about it. I asked her if it was mine or her last boyfriends (short time period between relationships). She blew her top and was really pissed at me. Then she told me that she wasn't pregnant at all. She was just guaging my reaction to the possibility.
Again, I should ahve walked right then.
Warning sign #4 Ignored: (fast forward to just about 5 years ago)
After being happily married for about 18 years, she went to Corpus Christi to her high school reunion. My Son told me that she did not get home until 3am in the morning. I confronted her about it and she blew me off as an insecure husband. And that she was just playing catch up with her old friends. Not so much as a phone call from her.
Warning sign #5 Ignored: (2 years ago)
Son graduates and moves out and she moves in to his old bedroom by herself. She blamed my snoring. She assured me that our sex life would not be affected. She lied. Intimacy dropped off to about half what it used to be and we talked less because of her voluntary separation from our marriage bed.
Warning sign #6 Ignored: (6 months ago)
When eating out for dinner she asks me to divorce her so she could get VA check from first (deceased) husband but that we could still live together. She did this with a smirk on her face. I told her NO! It would mess up our combined retirement plans. Not to mention the fact that doing this would be illegal.
Why was I so ignorant?
Warning signs #7 and #8 Ignored: (past few years to present)
In the past few years she has never initiated sex. Its always me and she demasculates me and makes me feel like I have to beg her for sex.
She also stopped saying "I love you" and being affectionate towards me. I am the only one that does it and she will only say ILY if I say it first.
Why was I so blind to this?
Warning sign #9 Ignored: (Just before the bomb)
After our recent (wonderful) vacation she asks me to password protect her email and the new laptop I just bought for her. Even though there were no financial or critical data on her laptop. She only used it for facebook and email and the laptop stayed home. Like an idiot I showed her anyway. She hid the passwords from me. Truth is she was hiding something from ME! I just didn't know it at the time and still do not know what it is.
Why am I so gullible?
Warning sign #10 Ignored: (Just before the bomb)
Noticed that she looked up a bunch of friends and old boyfriends from high school etc and had them join her in facebook. I trully am the worlds biggest idiot but I am now getting smarter.
19Nov09:
She drops the BOMB! Tells me she no longer loves me and does not want to be in this relationship anymore. She wants a divorce and refuses to talk about it or argue about it. Also refuses to work with me or go to MC.
Other things she has done is take OFF her wedding ring and tells me she is changing her name back to her fist husbands when we divorce. Why is she doing this?
She claims that she is not cheating on me. Really? She is stone cold towards me at his point.
IMO She is a WAW and may be in MLC. But my main point is to vent and warn you to not make the mistakes I made in not facing my warning signs.
If only I could go back in time. TY for letting me vent.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Don't have a choice. She wants the divorce ASAP and Im not stopping her. Im getting the house (its paid for). Ill give her what she wants and keep my home before she changes her mind.
Right now we are doing an amicable divorce and have the same lawyer. Ill be the one on top but this doesnt change the fact that I have a hughe gaping wound in my chest and she has zero emotions about it.
Ill move on and start dating again I guess. Im 47 so my prospects will be good I think. But I will be hurting for a long time. You cant erase 23 years of memories. At least I have my Son.
Wish she would change her mind later but she has made it perfectly clear to me that there is no chance in hell that she is ever going to get back together with me (her words).
I just cant get over how a human being that you love can do an emotional 180 on you and then become a completely different person. Ironically, to everyone else she acts like her normal loving and friendly self. I just don't get it.
I wasn't a bad husband. Not perfect though as I could have spent more time with her but that is hard to do with my job and the fact that we both have different interests. But still, I never cheated on her, gave her what she wanted, never abused her and was not an alchi or druggy.
She still refused to go into detail as to why or how she fell out of love with me. This is why I still suspect an EA or PA either recently or in her past.
This is killing me. I did find a lot of help from people at lifetwo forum but wanted to join here to discuss other aspects of my troubles. Lots of things I wanted to get off my chest, hence my venting post.
Thanks for listening.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Because "love" makes us do crazy things and makes us see people with blinders on.
I am sorry for your situation but it looks like your eyes are wide open now.
Your right. Love is like a drug. It overpowers your senses and even logic.
At least I can say she was a good mother and she helped pay the bills for 20 years. We had some good memories but it eats away at me that maybe she married me out of convenience and that I could have been with somebody that truly loved me for the best part of life.
I now find myself wondering if I even know what true love really feels like. Its like I have been living in a movie all my life and reality has just came crashing down on me with a ton of bricks.
I cant remember if I chose the red pill or the blue pill. Im now almost as lost as she is.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Well she is still living with me while waiting for the Judges signature / waiting period and for her own place to be ready.
She is civil when she gets what she wants but far from friendly towards me. If she doesnt get what she wants she acts like a spoiled and angry 13 year old girl.
Now that my eyes are open I am doing everything I can to try and find out if there is or was an OM. Sometimes I stoop a little low but I don't care. I have three good reason to know.
If I could only find out what her laptop password is, I could probably put this fear to rest and move on.
Last edited by g450; 12/17/0908:02 PM. Reason: speelin
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
First, you can't beat yourself up for missing those signs. Hindsight is 20-20 my friend, and you did not have the breadth of experience, knowledge and wisdom to see these signs at the time.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
