Holiday gifts when separated?

[newton0]

My wife of 5+ years left 2 weeks ago to stay with her mother. We had been having problems on/off for the last two years, during which time, she has mostly been away, caring for her dying father. We had just begun seeing a therapist before she left, but I was simply going through the motions.I thought it would be nice to be intimate, when she told me she didn't see any future in our marriage & she was thinking of leaving (again). I shut down, proceeded to withdraw, got drunk, and told her to leave. So, she packed-up all her stuff and left, despite me pleading with her in the driveway not to.

I've since committed to making real change, have continued seeing the therapist, joined AA, & am really working on changing myself.

Our communications has been few & far between. I did ask her to not rush off & file for a divorce/separation & give me time to work on myself, to which she agreed. I also tried to get her to attend an intensive marriage workshop, but she declined, essentially saying her heart was not in it at the moment. Since then I have essentially gone dark.

My question is regarding holiday gifts. I know some things she would like, and some friends think it would be an extremely kind gesture, but in DB, it says when using the 'last resort', not to observe any special occasions/send gifts/etc.

I'm not sure what to do. On one hand, I don't want to pressure/smother her, but on the other, perhaps it would be construed as inconsiderate & uncaring if I did nothing.

Any thoughts/guidance would be appreciated!

Thanks.

[bluerain]

Buying a gift will be seen by her as pressure/pursuing/smothering.

If you MUST, buy something and stash it away for better times.

Now is not the time to be giving her a gift.

[Kimmie Lee]

I agree. No gifts. It looks needy.

[Coach]

IS your wife in a affair? Are you sure?
Why did she leave?

A thoughtful,wise, simple gift could be effective if she is not in a affair.

[newton0]

Thank you for the advice.

No, my wife is not having an affair.

She left because of my passive-aggressive, indifferent behavior towards her. Essentially, I took her for granted & withdrew/withheld emotions. I have been diagnosed with depression, ADD, OCD, and borderline-personality disorder, and am finally getting treatment.

We were living like roommates; no intimacy whatsoever. I was avoiding her & the larger issues, and getting my needs met through porn & alcohol.

I haven't had a drink (joined AA) or looked at porn since she left.

Basically, I have a lot of work to do on myself, and became impossible to love. I kept her at arms length emotionally, and erected barriers she could not penetrate.

She mentioned earrings before she left & even picked-out a pair from a magazine. Just have no clue whether it is a good idea or not.

Thanks again - this forum is great!

[bluerain]

Hi Dj. I think that maybe the earrings might be ok. Especially because of the fact that you were distant/unavailible before. Do you have contact with her otherwise? I still worry that your gift could be seen as pursuing if you arent careful.

[newton0]

Hi Blue, seems like the contact is dwindling. Last email from her was ~1 week ago & kind, but very topical - no mention whatsoever of us or the marriage. I'm not sure whether to reach-out, or give her space. Her stating that she wasn't at a time/place to work on the marriage would seem to favor the latter.