Wow, I haven't had a thread in a while! I have been divorced for almost two years now (which means X will be celebrating his 2 year anniversary soon ) I still get irritated by him fairly regularly, but most of it is minor. It all basically centers around the kids now. Here is today's issue. I just got an e-mail from him that said the following: D12 has a project due tomorrow that she wants my help on. It requires taking a video and video editing...it is unlikely that we will be able to complete it by 8:00PM. I can run her back when we are done or it may be easier if her and S10 stay the night, I am open either way... Here is my issue...I do not want D12 to receive a lower grade because of a late or poorly done project, but this is a project that was assigned several weeks ago and she talked to him about it then. (The only reason he is helping her with it is because he is the one with the video equipment and editing software, and even she was concerned with letting him help her because he blows things off until last minute all the time.) In addition, she told me last Thursday night when I dropped her off that they would be doing the project that night, which was an overnight visit. Apparently they did not do it then and as is his usual, it will be done at the last minute and he expects me to give up my time with the kids (and today is D12s birthday). I gave her her presents last night, but I still want to spend a little time with her this evening. We had planned to watch our recording of Glee. So what do I do? I sent him back an e-mail asking if 9:00 would be enough time. Do I stick to my guns and risk D12's grade? Another factor in my irritation in this is that I would bet $100 that he will not even be home when I drop the kids off, because he is not there about 90% of the time, which even the kids have pointed out is ridiculous. I have to drop them off at the scheduled visitation time, even though he isn't there. So I get the joy of dropping my kids off to spend time with the new Mrs. X.....formerly known as the OW!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
"I'd like to spend some time with D on her birthday. Could I drop them off an hour late and then let them stay overnight?"
Otherwise, just let D stay up an extra hour tonight. It will be OK if she is a little sleepy tomorrow.
XH is a procrastinator. You know this. Accept it. Don't fight it. Don't expect him to change or try to fix it. Do what works. What works is allowing D to get her project done properly. That it has worked out to be last minute is no surprise. Next time, plan on it, then you can avoid this problem.
I really thought it was covered becauase she said they were doing it last week. You're right OT, I need to always keep in mind that he is who he is and he isn't going to change. In the future no projects will be done that require his input....it is just too frustrating. She had a choice of the type of project to do and she chose to make a video not realizing I wouldn't be able to do it with her. I did e-mail him about extending an hour, but have gotten no response....again, typical!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Or, rather than take a stand and trying to not allow D to do a project with her Dad, you could help her work effectively with procrastinators -- a good skill to have.
D, the next time you do a project with your Dad, we can hope that it won't be last minute, we can try to get it done sooner perhaps by setting an earlier deadline with your Dad so that you have the time you need to finish up various details, but we should PLAN based on the project winding up being last minute. So, we should plan that your time right before the project is due will need to be available for that project.
I'm a horrible procrastinator too I fear. When you see my post here, especially more than say one or two posts in a day, it is procrastinating. Back to work now!!!
If I had known it was not done last week I would have intervened. I need to become better about follow-through!
I tend to procrastinate too, but he is definitely worse. If I let the kids stay overnight he will probably take that as meaning he can go to the gym, play video games, etc, then tell her he is ready to start at 10:00 PM. I am seriously not kidding about this. In the waining months of our marriage when he was still living at home he did exactly this on a video project. She was in 3rd grade and he came home at 9:30 at night (hours after I called him repeatedly while he was at OW's house) to work with her. I had already taken the video camera and done it with her at that point. And it wasn't great, not professional looking according to him, but it was done.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Lol, you are right. Even if he was home, they'd probably find more fun stuff to do before the project. So, good idea to keep the deadline of having to bring her home at night. One thing is clear: he needs hard deadlines to be effective. So, that is a good tool for your toolbox.
You just have to accept that your X is a procrastinator and not let it get to you. Mine is the same way. But now she does not have me to make sure she gets things done well ahead of time. Case in point...she is getting married on Maui next week. Her mom has bought a ticket from Bangkok to Honolulu and could not get connecting flights from within Thailand. So my XW is waiting for the very last minute to get an inter-island flight for her mom who does not speak english. She is trying to get my advice to which I just say "you better stop procrastinating on that or your mom is going to have to swim from Oahu to Maui". I do wonder why she still asks me about such things when she should be consulting with her sugar daddy fiance.
Pick your battles carefully. If it was me, I would let H finish the project with her and if it is too late, then just let her stay over at his house.
So, good idea to keep the deadline of having to bring her home at night. One thing is clear: he needs hard deadlines to be effective. So, that is a good tool for your toolbox.
I think I am going to have to do it. He finally responded. He said she wasn't ready to do it last week. Well, she was also at his house on Tuesday overnight and they didn't do it then either. He says he won't know how long it is going to take until they start. I am going to talk to D12 when I pick her up in a little while from yearbook club and let her know that I have extended the time one hour, but she needs to make sure it gets done in that time. Even if he is not there right away she can get everythihng ready and get him on it as soon as he gets home. This was my response to him: I would think that 4 hours should be enough time, it is a 6th grade book project it isn't expected to be professional. In reality it should look like something she has done, not something you do. Editing should be minimal. In the future we need to make sure that projects aren't being done last minute. I'll probably get a nasty response for it, but whatever!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
You just have to accept that your X is a procrastinator and not let it get to you. Mine is the same way. But now she does not have me to make sure she gets things done well ahead of time.
The first year we filed seperate taxes he came to me on April 14th asking for copies of the tax info that I had e-mailed to him in February when I had done my taxes! LOL
Quote:
I do wonder why she still asks me about such things when she should be consulting with her sugar daddy fiance.
She asks you for help getting her mom to her wedding???!!! Ba ha ha ha That's a good one!!!!!
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
Taxes! Ha, mine did the same thing last year by waiting until the last minute. She had never done taxes in her life and wanted me to do hers for her. I said no. So she went to H&R Block for help with filing out a 1040EZ form . The tax preparer then thought it was wrong that she did not get to deduct any of the kids or get any child tax credits. She sure was pissed about that but it was a bone thrown my way by her lawyer so as to get me to agree to a higher alimony buyout.
) I still get irritated by him fairly regularly, but most of it is minor. It all basically centers around the kids now. 
. The tax preparer then thought it was wrong that she did not get to deduct any of the kids or get any child tax credits. She sure was pissed about that but it was a bone thrown my way by her lawyer so as to get me to agree to a higher alimony buyout.