One day at a time....

[alice444]

I am realizing with each day that passes how "done" I am now. That saddens me, but it is true. I was willing to forgive the A and open up my heart again and work towards a fully restored M. Now, with everything that has transpired, I am done. Will there always be a part of me that loves my H? Yes, I am sure. But, at this point, I cannot ever imagine trusting or respecting him again. I am done.

((((RW)))) I know I haven't weighed in much, but I've been following along. I understand the sadness of being done. I may get there myself and it IS sad. It's sad to realize this person you fell in love with and had a family with just isn't really there anymore (or at least, not for you- that's the part that kills me- that they might be that old person with someone else...).

So, I communicated that to him last night. I did the Gucci/Robx approach of letting him go. Not as a DB strategy, because I am no longer fighting for this M. But, as a truth. I let him go. I blessed him to go. He was dumbfounded and shocked. He didn't like it. He said "why do you have to say something like that, it sounds so final. I am not ready to hear that."

Wait a minute..... whaaaaaaat?

OMG. Are you kidding me? What do they want from us, anyway??? They simply are amazing in their belief that they can keep us on the hook, dangling, while they do whatever they want and we'll still be there when they're tired of that other life. This is very eye-opening. How can he accuse you of doing something 'final' when he did the most final thing of all by wrecking things? How come it's offensive and hurtful when the LBS says "I'm done- please feel free to go?". Unbelievable.

You have an A and think you are in love with OW and plan to leave me, then after half heartedly making a pitiful attempt at reconciliation decide you are leaving me after all, tell the kids this..... and..... you don't want me to say something so "final"?

Just more consequences of their actions they're hoping not to face. They want the freedom, the "relief from pain" or whatever, but none of the resulting stuff.

My H is having a very bad time with people "knowing". So, I am getting the gears about that, sometimes in a very nasty way. And, the thing is, I actually have carried the burden of all this largely alone (other than the great people I have met here!) for over a year. So, the few people I have now chosen to confide in, who are trustworthy, he is having a meltdown about? The injustice and selfishness of this overwhelms me at times.

But, because that fog is still so thick there is no reasoning with him. I am being told I am the selfish one. That we should deal with this just by ourselves. Wow.

You are NOT selfish. He's being ridiculous. I get the not reasoning with them, I stopped trying awhile ago. Sometimes it makes me mad- that I don't "fight back" or argue things that simply make no sense or blame me, but it does no good, like you said. Boy, has he written himself a whopper of a story about this situation- he's the victim now. Talk about a "180". You need your support- if he didn't want anyone to know about all this, well, then he shouldn't have done it. Obviously, he assumes you will be the one who keeps things "nice" and doesn't make a fuss, or whatever. Well, get your support, tell who you need to. There's a big difference between asking for support and telling people the plain truth of what happened and skewering our WAS's, which most of us won't stoop to- but funny how they're afraid of that after being so righteous about their decisions.

Anyway, still feeling strong. Actually, with each passing day, as I detach more and more, I feel stronger and more resolved to do what I need to do for me and the kids.

So glad to hear this. Keep it going.

[avermont]

Yah, jeezum crow, RW. "don't sound so final" What???

X did something of the same. I was asking him to move out, saying things like we would separate out our insurance policies (you know, responding to him saying he is "done") and he says..."are you trying to speed this process along?" ??

So your H isn't unique in the depths of this denial. Hopefully you can just shake your head in amazement and let it wash off you--water off a duck.

I don't have to tell you how much my heart reaches out to you--you have felt the same pain and empathy for the rest of us. We truly do know how the other feels.

I hope you have some plans for your own self this weekend.

Take care of RW, too!
I encourage you to go out into RL and tell whomever you need to tell what is going on. It isn't going to be a secret forever, and you need your support team. What he does to bolster up how he feels about his decisions is up to him.

[rockedworld]

First official meeting with a lawyer yesterday. He encouraged me to take my time, make H do the work etc. But, he also didn't know all the details of how much work I have done for how long etc. But, he also talked about how D is financial suicide and some scarey things.....

So, I extended myself to H one more time last night. Maybe crazy I know... but 20 years and three beautiful kids....

I said "H, are you sure this is what you want?"

H: "I am not sure about anything."

RW: "Well, then why are you making a final decision right now? This process could be slowed down if certain things could be in place for me to feel emotionally safe."

Well folks... that's where it always breaks down.... when I make my "demands" (i.e. boundaries) about cutting off resumed contact with OW, MC, transparency etc.

I said to my H last night, "no one can say I didn't try to save this M". He said, "if that's what you need to tell yourself." Wow.

So, I gave it one last try.

I don't regret that.

I needed to do it.

He is still entrenched in the fog and there is nothing I can do about that.

So, I am moving forward.

[Gnosis]

I said to my H last night, "no one can say I didn't try to save this M". He said, "if that's what you need to tell yourself."

If that goes issue goes to court... I'll be the first in line to testify against the prosecution... the rest of you reading will need to take your place in line behind me!

RW, this isn't something you need to tell yourself. You've got plenty of witnesses to tell you the same. Here on the board, in the alt and IRL.

"Strength and honor" isn't a motto for you. It's the way you have conducted yourself. You have and continue live it. I Gno.

[kara]

RW

You really gave it your all and you never let pride stand in the way of your love for your H or family. Your H knows that, rest assured. He either cannot or will not admit it at this time.

A friend of mine was divorced in circumstances involving infidelity on her H's part. A few years later he told her " I should never have treated you like that. You are a very good woman and never deserved what I did." He is in his third post divorce relationship. The one that his M broke up over didn't last for five minutes. His current R is on Rocky Road as well. She has moved on. There comes a point when they have to help themselves. I hope your H does not have to live a life like my friend's H. That is a sad life.

Stay strong and dignified.

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

Hi guys --

Please start a new thread. This thread is getting a bit too long, so I'm locking it. Shorter threads improve the speed and flow of this online community.

Thanks.