Here I am again. Hi Tia, glad to see you still here along with all your wisdom!
Here's the deal... the 10 year anniversary of my broken marriage is coming up and I find myself really struggling in a way my current husband and most of my friends just can't understand. So I'm turning to you lovely folks for a listening ear to get me through this.
Here's a fast bg... Married Dec. 18 1999, we had a really rocky start and it pretty much went downhill from there. We both played a part in it, but I was having a really hard time struggling with all of the changes I was going through in my life, and he couldn't see much past his own issues. I was willing to try to make it work, he dumped and ran. Classic case of abandonment. The separation started around Sept 2001 and lasted a year. The day I handed him back the signed divorce papers was the last day I saw or heard from him.
Since then I have tried to move on. I have remarried a good man and had 2 beautiful kids... but the love I had for my ex just somehow doesn't compare to what I feel for my husband now and I find myself dwelling more and more on the broken marriage. I have kept track of ex over the years and he hasn't done very well for himself. Multiple job failures, a house he can't sell, etc. etc. I find myself feeling sorry for him even though in my mind I know he brought it all on himself.
All of our counsilors found him to be very narcissistic, and I know for a fact from friends and family that he blames the downfall of the marriage on me. I know that he has gone through literally thousands of matches on eharmony, match, and all those other sites and not gotten more than a date or two out of them. I know he still thinks his way is the only way.
This and more is why I find myself very confused by my feelings. I am SO grateful that he let me go and not just dragged me through the hll his life has been the last 8 years. He never really treated me well. He told me repeatedly that there had to be someone out there better for him. (you all know the type). He started dating again shortly after the separation and kept at it through the year before the divorce was final often disappearing from contact for months at a time.
But in a lot of ways I miss him. We never really had a good chance to grow together. I still feel like in a lot of ways he was and is still my true soulmate...I feel so sorry for him that he couldn't see how much he was loved and what I offered.
I have been so confused by all of this. I want to write him a letter asking if it has been worth it to him. Asking him if this is truly the life he had hoped for. Asking him why he is so stupid, and making sure he knows just how easy I let him off. And while I know these therrapy letters are great as fire starters... I so want to press the send button at the end of it.
I'm hoping you all can rescue me from myself over the next two or three weeks. Help!
People can have a variety of people that come into their lives, each of them to teach a different lesson. Your ex may have been a soul mate but then it was time for him to move on because you had your next lesson to deal with. Ex's will always have a piece of our hearts but the person you fell in love with no longer exists.
The man you are with now could be a soul mate as well but you are focusing on your feelings for your ex and not for your husband. Why not focus on what you have and how lucky you are? You may be surprised what you find there.
blessings, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Isn't funny how much we all learn from abandonment? One of the biggest is reaching out for support, knowing it will be there.
I find that anniversaries, even if I don't think about, awaken a hurt and nostalgia about the past relationship. Lots of should have, would have, could haves. The question is, why obsess on something that's over and done with when you have so much.. beautiful children, caring husband and a family? This is a great time to find a counselor to work through this with. Why give him so much prime real estate in your mind?
Give yourself an ex-spouse free day. Don't allow yourself to think or have anything to do with him. Stop tracking his life, finding out or feeling justified in all he lost in dumping you. Pull the wick from the candle. That flame sputtered out almost a decade ago. *hugs*
I believe that love is like the facets on a diamond. I'll never again experience the love and connection I had with my former spouse, but why would I? Every relationship brings out a different aspect of how to love, how to connect, the responsibility with its joy to evolve as a couple and individuals.
And if you're tempted.. remember the pain of childbirth and how easily it fades within months. Memory softens reality with a patina of rosy glow that is no where near the internal hell going on at the time.
I've been around since your time (had a different name back then...). I too am remarried and have a baby girl. I think your ruminations are nostalgic musings that you are using as a coping mechanism, pretty much nothing more than that.
This is my take:
Your feelings pretty much have ZERO to do with XH and EVERYTHING to do with your current M. You have said as much: "but the love I had for my ex just somehow doesn't compare to what I feel for my husband now and I find myself dwelling more and more on the broken marriage"
You had a short, bad marriage with a narcissistic man who has gone nowhere, continued to lead a life not to be admired, and so on. You don't need anything from that person. You don't want an R with that person. You really don't. You are having nostalgic feelings because you are dissatisfied with something in your present life. It is in someway easier to feel that nostalgia and romanticize your feelings than to deal straightforward with the current problems in your M.
So, what is missing? You've had two kids in a short period of time that did not give you much time just to have an R with you and H without the kids. So, I don't think it is too big of a stretch to suggest that you miss:
(1) Romantic attention focused solely on you (2) Quality time with your adult partner alone (3) Quality time with your lover (4) Guilt free quality time for yourself, to pursue your own interests, to exercise, to whatever (5) Appreciation for what you do, recognition for how great you are (6) Acknowledgment of the sacrifices you've made and acknowledgment of how they haven't been sufficiently appreciated
ALL pretty standard stuff for a fairly newly married couple with young children.
Now, you look for a time in your life when you had more of these things, you skip over your time with H and look at the scant good times with XH. Why? Because it is actually less painful to romanticize that than to acknowledge that you hurt from something you aren't getting now but that you have had with H.
You feel put upon and unappreciated. You feel you deserve appreciation, apologies, and a whole lot more. So, who do you want these from? Your H and kids? No, again you skip over them and start obsessing about hearing the magic words from XH. Why? Well, again it is easier. XH is already a creep. He already owes you. He's already scum who won't deliver what you need. Much easier to focus on that than to look at your current life and say: My H and children aren't giving me enough recognition, appreciation, they aren't acknowledging what I do for them.
So, my strong suggestion to you is that you look at what HURTS NOW in your own life. Write a list: I ache at night because I miss having a lover to hold me. I grit my teeth because I feel like an unappreciated broodmare/workhorse. And so on. Then, share it in a loving way with H. Email is probably best, because then you CAN express your pain and resentment in a loving way. If you try to verbalize it, this might be more difficult.
Dear H,
I want our R to be a passionate, vibrant, lustful, loving, partnership that makes both our lives better. I realize I've been getting in the way of that by not being honest about some things. I feel hurt, I feel some resentment. I think we can do better. The first step I think is honesty. Here I share my feelings with you. These aren't accusations, I'm not blaming you. I just want to be open and vulnerable with you again. I want us to work together to have an R that better meets both our needs. I know I can do better for you too. This is hard for me, please be gentle. I mean this in a very loving way. We are great, but we can be so much better. I love you so much. OK, here it goes:
sorry for the long time out...life gets busy this time of year, but it helps to forget the hurt.
Thank you all so much, I knew you guys would help me get to the bottom of this.
I actually do go for days at a time without remembering that I ever was married before. Then I think of my MIL and wonder about her health, or I hear about something happening in his state on the news and it all comes rushing back. Most days I handle it ok, but 10 years is kind of significant you know?
Gypsy thanks so much for helping me see more clearly. I work with diamonds on a daily basis and know very well how the facets make the diamond... and each one gives off it's own color of light and shine when it is held the right way. Just never thought of how my ex may have made a few of those facets for me in my life and without them things would be so different.
Oldtimer... I hope your divorce hasn't lasted this long! Thank you too for really seeing what I was missing. You hit the nail right on the head! I just didn't see how the troubles I'm facing in my marriage are adding to this crazy longing I'm having for someone in my past that I am so much better off without.
While I love my DH dearly, he came into the marriage with alot of baggage and as a result acts more like a 20 something year old kid rather than a 38 year old man. He misses so much so often that I end up taking on a greater burden in the relationship than I should. I think in a lot of ways I miss the strength of my ex as far as guiding the marriage and doing his part to take care of the day to day stuff instead of blindly walking through life like my DH now.
I guess I've been going backwards again and trying to see the timeline and future that I'd hoped for with my ex and realizing that none of my goals or dreams during that time that I lost are coming true on my current timeline either. It seems that I work so hard and never can catch a break. I guess I wonder what it would be like had my ex given the marriage a chance.
I think I will write a letter to my husband before I write this coming letter to my ex (only to be read here of course if you guys will help duct tape my hands to my chair for me). Oldtimer, I think you're right - I really am not happy. I don't want to go backwards for sure, but I'm not going in the right direction forwards either.
I have been struggling for a few weeks with an issue that I know you can't understand or help with. A very important milestone is coming up for me on an alternate reality timeline that I keep brushing into and I am in real pain because of it.
A friend helped me realize this week that part of the hard time I'm having is because of things in our marriage that I don't like. None of this will be new to you because I've said all of this to you before, but right now it is affecting me more than it normally does.
Husband, I'm tired of your surprised reaction when I get upset that you've just walked passed stacks of dishes and never once considered getting them washed. I'm exhausted from all the times you put clean laundry in a pile on the floor when you go to bed rather than folding it and getting it put away while I'm at work. I'm tired of having to call your name 3 times just to get your attention away from the tv when I'm only sitting 2 feet from you - and we were just in the middle of a conversation. I'm really tired of reminding and reminding you to get me the money from your paycheck so I can pay the bills on time. We've been doing this every other week now for 6 years shouldn't you just do it already?!?
I'm tired of finding used diaper wipes just laying around because you're too lazy to put them in the garbage. I'm tired of trying to explain to you that I have 2 jobs and 2 little kids I'm responsible for, so get off your damn unemployed butt and help me so I'm not up until 3am trying to get it all done. And "yes dear" the dishes don't always have to be done right now.. but they haven't been done for 4 days already so yes they do have to be done right now, and "gee maybe I'd get to take a 3 hour nap today with you too if you had fed, bathed and put the kids to bed last night so that I could make my project deadline today on time.
And while some people would say - including you - that "all you need to do is ask for help" I do ask, repeatedly I ask, I not only ask but I usually give you 2 days or more notice if something is really needing to get done, and then I warn you an hour in advance that the time is coming that help is needed. And the crazy thing is that it's stuff any idiot would know would have to be done... you wear clothing don't you? Maybe doing a few loads of laundry would be in order, You like to eat don't you? We have to have clean dishes for that don't we? And yes we have little kids the floors do need to be vacuumed and swept atleast once a week even If I'd prefer it was done daily... and gee yes you do help clean out the litterbox, thanks for doing it yesterday as I've done it every other day this week.
We need to sit down and change some things in our relationship, because none of this is working for me. I love you, but I hate what our relationship is doing to me. Can we find some way to fix this? Please, I"m begging!
- I sound like someone headed for divorce don't I. It feels good to vent though.
I tell you. I sometimes miss being single. The year after my divorce was tough, but after that I found an inner strength and peace I never knew I could have. marriage never has been the end-all-be-all thing for me. There is strength in the confidence that Michelle's program gives us.
MBW, do you think your H could be depressed? You say he's unemployed, not doing chores, etc. The cleaning could be a symptom of that; I don't know enough to say.
No and yes. My husband suffers from manic depression but won't take medication for it because he feels it will affect his work (when he has it). It's usually one big merry-go-round with him. The lack of actually being able to see problems around himself comes from a cycle of addictive behaviors he has had his whole life. He is so self-centered in so many ways that he honestly can't see the mess or the needs of others around him. He's a fascinating story in and of himself.
We are working at having a happy marriage though the rollercoaster I'm on isn't as bumpy as some folks here have it. It doesn't help me much to be overstressed with his issues when stuff like this 10 year anniversary comes up in my life and I find that I have to manage my feelings on my own.
Won't take meds...sounds like he's afraid. Many with chronic illness are able to hold down productive jobs, and if the meds are in the way, then it's time to find a different med. My bio-Dad has been down this road, and actually did change industries to reduce stress. He took charge of his life, joined AA, got healthy and is a really good Dad and Hus to his wife (my step-mother). Choices. It's all about choices. Peace.
Everybody I know with that has had to have several med changes (4 to 6) before they find one with the right fit. Esp. if he's not working now, maybe this would be a good time to try to do that? I think that would make your M a lot easier for you and beneficial to him. I've read that with manic depression, you basically should be on medication, one of those like schizophrenia where it shouldn't really be optional.
