What to do if WAW is still deciding to walk-away?

[lynn97]

So I've been pouring over this one for awhile and was hoping to get some advice from the experts here. Right now my wife is in the midst of "deciding" if she wants to make it work. We are still together, in the same bed, etc. Some days she is distant and displays signs of being in a MLC type fog others she is attentive and even affectionate toward me. So basically we're in this in-between state and I'm not sure which DB technique I should be following.

So far I've started doing many 180's including listening to her more without interrupting, giving her space, etc. I have also started GAL and stopped R talks (well mostly, this one is hard for me).

My main question is about pursuing vs. romancing. I know I need to stop pursuing her and give her space. But I'm wondering if she is at more of a point where she wants me to pay more attention to her, or spend more time with her. Is there some in between? Is there a good way to ask her? Should I even ask or wait until she brings it up?

Hoping you guys have some advice. Thanks.

Lynn

[ClingingToHope]

and stopped R talks (well mostly, this one is hard for me).

You are paying attention to her by listening to her. Romancing is pursuing in overdrive. You'd be better waiting for her to come to you and if she asks for a "date" or anything, then go big. Until then, it'll come off as clingy or needy. She may look at you and wonder why you weren't like this before and you are only doing it to convince her to stay only to fall into old habits later.

[Ready2Change]

S...My main question is about pursuing vs. romancing. I know I need to stop pursuing her and give her space. But I'm wondering if she is at more of a point where she wants me to pay more attention to her, or spend more time with her. Is there some in between? Is there a good way to ask her? Should I even ask or wait until she brings it up?Lynn

I would like to suggest you treat her like a cat. Be very open to her approaching you. Also set some healthy boundaries.

[Ready2Change]

Read "Hold on to you NUTS"

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Lynn,

I notice you keep posting in different places. You should try to stick to one forum, and one thread, as you'll get more response that way.

I read on your other posts about your wife's previous affairs. And yet you say "this time, I'm sure there's no one else," and also that you trust her to "not jeopardize her marriage" on this trip she is suddenly taking.

How can you be so sure? Have you verified anything independently? I see huge red flags here, and as you probably know, the recidivism rate for infidelity is very high if not properly MC'd over several years.

Puppy

[robx]

Lynn you're making excuses for her behavior and I think you know this already, you're just afraid of the consequences, you're afraid of losing your wife and your marriage and that's understandable.

However your wife knows this too.

And she uses this to her advantage, I kid you not.

This is a very good place for her to be in, she can pursue another affair and you are sitting in the background enabling her to do so.

How long have you been at this?

I know the answer is tough to hear but I'm not going to sugar coat it.

If you keep blaming her behavior on MLC then she has her get out of jail card and she knows it.

I would wager she has had several affairs, you just know about a couple.

Time to let go.

You want to know if you're marriage is going to last, if you're going to be able to fix this, it won't by the way you're doing it, especially if the radar is up about her sudden unexpected trip.

Here is what you do if she still hasn't left on her trip.

Stand up for yourself, take a stand for yourself.

"I want to be able to trust you but your past actions have made me hesitant about you & your intentions and I can't live in limbo forever and I can't be quiet about this either. If this sudden trip of yours involves meeting some other guy and having an affair, I'm letting you know now that I respect myself too much to go through this anymore with you. If you cross that line again, I will personally pack your things and kick you out of the home and move on with my life which includes not wasting my time on you anymore. I respect myself too much to let this continue. Can you be transparent about what you're doing on this trip and who you will be with or are you going to keep it a secret? If it's the latter, I guess I know my answer already."

Seriously, you want to stop these affairs?
You have to stop them by standing up for yourself.

No more of this half-assed, one foot in one foot out marriage.

Why do you tolerate less than 100% wholehearted effort? Is that good enough for you? Obviously not because you're posting on these discussion forums asking questions. You want more, go out and get it. Tell her that's what you want and if she can't do that then you can't live in limbo anymore and it's time for her to leave - you aren't some dumb schmuck who has to live at home waiting for his wife to come back from her dates with other men - seriously who could tolerate that kind of disrespectful treatment?!

[robx]

important thing to note:
don't get angry,
be calm, act as if you've given up,
no effort, just shake your head as if you're beginning to realize that she isn't worth the effort anymore.

If she mentions the honest truth that she is planning on meeting another man (highly unlikely but anything is possible), be honest with her, tell her the marriage is over, you're not waiting around anymore and you're going to start looking for other women just to see what the fuss is all about.

She trusts you to be the nice guy/door mat that wouldn't ever attempt to see other women even though your wife is thinking about seeing other men (if not more).

Calm, cool, collected and act as if you don't care anymore.

No more pursuing, no more doing anything special for her.

Do you want to be married to someone who doesn't value you or the relationship they have with you? What kind of marriage is that?

Until you project that kind of self-esteem, self-respect, self-value, no one will ever be able to value you and hold on to you, you just give the impression that you're not worth the effort.

Time to wake up.

[lynn97]

You are paying attention to her by listening to her.

Cling - You're right. I need to me more distant. I think I'll go out for a beer with the guys tonight. I need a break.

PDT - As for verification I can't be sure. I do know where she is going. I know who it is with as I've met him - online anyway. She has been upfront with they're conversations. They are in her words "best friends". All of her family and our friends know about this relationship. Also he is young (in his early 20's) and his parents are coming along to meet my wife too. I agree it's blind trust and I don't like it, but that's something my wife doesn't believe I can do. One of her biggest complaints about me is my need to control her.

Robx - Thanks for the 2x4 you really are great at those. I have been at this a long time. But I've only been doing it to win my wife back and not to fix MYSELF. That is what I'm changing this time. I like your quote, I'm going to work on a way to say something similar in my own words before she leaves. I will ask her to be transparent and send pictures and everything.

Tell her that's what you want and if she can't do that then you can't live in limbo anymore and it's time for her to leave

Is this wise to do at the state we are in? Shouldn't I avoid R talks? Isn't this forcing her hand and trying to control her or the situation again?

Thanks for everyone's input. I really appreciate it. I tend to over analyze stuff so much that I lose sight of the issue altogether.

Lynn

[CityGirl]

I hate to be the one to tell you this but people who had affairs or are in active affairs always have the complaint of trying to be controlled. It's their way of projecting things back to you. Don't listen to it. If the WAS has true regret and remorse about the A and wants to work on the M then any form of "control" should be a non issue.

Her trip sounds fishy to me but I think you know that already. She is going away with a man she met online that is younger than her AND his parents are involved in this trip? Does that sound like something a married woman should be doing? I think not.

The "we are just friends" or he/she is my "best friend" is a line that is recycled by cheating WAS's as often as milk cartons are recycled at your local dump.

I can laugh at this now (my H and I are legally separated, have no contact as I simply ignore him and we haven't live together for almost 2 years). A few weeks before he moved out he told me him and his friend were going to one of those virtual golf simulator places to play and have dinner. I said fine. He got home at almost 4am on a weekday, all red and sweaty and babbling like an idiot about he and his friend Eric got caught up playing the golf game. Something was just off. The next day I checked the website of the place he said he had been and the website indicated the place closed at 10pm during the week. I then called and spoke to the manager to verify this and it was correct.

That night my H could not have been more sweet and attentive to me and I brushed it off and was very distant to him but upbeat for me. I knew he was lying and I think he knew I knew he was lying. I never accused him of anything and never mentioned it again as he moved out a few days later. But I know for a fact that was the night his A started. Or I should say that was the night the physical side of his A started.

From time to time I would mention March 28th to him (that was the night of the "golf incident" and he would stop dead in his tracks). Once the legal side of things heated up he and I were talking via the phone one night and he asked what I was doing and I casually said.. "oh, just writing out some dates for my attny starting from March 28, 2008". He stammered like a fool and made some excuse to get off the phone.

Don't be hosed by the "best friend" BS.

[lynn97]

I know she's following an affair script to a tee. In fact I'm sure it is probably already and EA. But what can I do besides work on myself. Kick her out of the house on a hunch? Have another conversation with her about how I think this is an EA? Or just let her go and start detaching?

She's already stated she's probably done with our M since we've been down this road before. I think she's just waiting until after the holidays to make it official. In fact she's even mentioned how I will be better off without me. It's almost like she WANTS me to pull the plug. Honestly I'm starting to feel the same way but really need to be ok with ending it. I'm not yet. I know that. But I will get there. I want to get to the point where I love myself again. I respect myself again.

I will continue to GAL
I will not talk about R (except for the discussion before she leaves)
I will appreciate all of the 2x4's you guys are willing to give me

lynn