In my experience, asking for "space" almost always means "space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."
How can you be sure there isn't someone else? She's certainly exhibiting most of the classic signs, and her sense of ENTITLEMENT runs DEEP, and that in itself is a huge red flag.
Although I would use nicer words, I believe everything Robx said to you. You'd be wise to listen to him.
How to address the mortgage issue? You call your wife, and you say "I need you to pay the mortgage. It's what we agreed to. Why do you think it is OK to pay for an expensive girls hedonism weekend, but not live up to your responsibilities?"
And then MOVE BACK IN TO YOUR OWN FREAKING HOME!!!
Due to the lack of mortgage payment this month I have instructed my solicitor to send my wife a letter letting her know I will be returning to the marital home by the end of January. I can't take anymore, been bending over backwards to keep her sweet and its got me nowhere. She just keeps taking advantage of my good nature. Well Not anymore - time for some tough love.
Why wouldn't you talk to your wife directly about this?
If you're going to take a strong stand (and I suggest you do), then you might as well get "credit" from your wife for having taken it. Although she'll be livid initially, she will at LEAST respect it eventually. But not if you don't do it yourself.
Well the problem I have is that there is no way my wife will communicate with me about anything other than the kids. If I call her or visit the house she wont answer. Would leaving an answer message be worth while? We have been NC for a wile now, mainly because of her refusal to communicate.
Leave her a voicemail message saying you need to meet with her ASAP to discuss something very important. Don't tell her what it is -- do that in person. If she tries to dodge you, tell her "It would be in your best interests if you showed up."
THEN have your solicitor follow up with a letter to confirm.
Go to the home, it's yours, don't worry, you're allowed and tell her you're moving back home to be with your kids, not her. If she doesn't like it, she is free to leave at any time.
You hesitate and you show you are still afraid to do this, I get it, I understand but being afraid is just about fear, its a feeling, it isn't a physical object or barrier that is physically stopping you from doing anything.
Getting your solicitor or lawyer (I'm assuming that's what solicitor means) involved, for what? To spend more money on him? Are you guys even legally separated?
Ok bit of an update, I didnt get the last few posts in time so here is what happend.
I rang my wife imidiately after getting of the phone to my solicitor. Told her I would be moving back in in January as she has defaulted on her part of the deal. Anyway, conversation was pretty short, but most annoyingly her signal must have been poor as she kept cutting out. I kept my cool throught the conversation, but she was getting irate. Made me feel as if I was in control for the first time.
2 minutes after the phone call her mother is on the phone (havn't heared off her in months). Anyway, she said 'just to let you know W is contacting the CSA and you will loose half your wages. Just warning you thats all.' I responded in the same controlled manner by saying 'yes that's fine and I expected it'. Then she starts saying stuff like ' I dont contribute to the kids' and 'W already has a rented house sorted'.
So thats it so far, I remained calm and got my message accross, but they both seemed to be loosing thier temper by the end of the conversation.
A letter from my solicitor will be with her shortly...
Robx - your posts here from yesterday were freaking awesome. It took me a long time to really understand this stuff Wedge. It was hard to hear that advice in the beginning. It's spot on though.
Great advice.
By the way...the script that Robx laid out could be from any one of our W's. Its like they hand them out at a class or something! If nothing else, it shows that you aren't all alone. We are all either in a similar spot, or have survived similar circumstances.
Robx, Puppy, and Coach know this stuff inside and out. You've got some really good guys giving you advice.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I think everything the group is saying here is right on. I took me a while to realize but ive been living on pins and needles for a long time hoping and praying by backing off would make things better. Now if you look at my sitch ive realized i changed as a man,person and husband. Im finally starting to find myself again. Its been two months since wife dropped the bomb but I think its really been about a year that she mentally quit on our marriage. The day I started to respect myself and get some confidence back is the day I started becoming me again. I work at it everyday and I hope you will do the same.
Me 39 W 33 Married 7yrs Together 10 2 children 3 and 1 Says"She's moving on with her life"
