My wife moved out 3 weeks ago (11/14). I haven't had much contact with her, except to talk about the kids. I even wait a couple days to respond to her voicemails, if they aren't urgent. She wanted space. Plus, a little curiousity about what I'm up to might not hurt.
I do want her back, deeply. I am not a crushed, pleading, crying wreck. I went through those stages when we lived together. It was a year long journey between her divorce announcement and the final separation. I learned a lot about myself and love. My change has made me strong. I know I will be okay. I do miss her. I do want what's best for her. The holidays are especially sad.
I want to reenter her life, in a positive way. I don't know how to do that. I've thought about ordering her flowers for Christmas. My friends tell me I'm crazy, just to let her go. Are flowers a good idea? I'll have them delivered on 12/15. With a note saying "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year." Nothing about love or wanting her back. I don't want to appear needy. I want her to realize I am truely a nice guy. I want her to start to form a new opinion. Is this a good idea? Bad idea? Too soon? Or, do I do something different?
Sending her flowers will be seen as pursuing. It doesn't matter what you meant by it, that's how it will be seen.
She will form a different opinion about you when she sees (and hears from others) that you have changed.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
She knows I have changed. She acknowledges it fully. Has for quite some time. She just doesn't love me anymore. Do I just give up? Hope she'll come to me? Got to be a better strategy than that. Maybe the Christmas alone is better than knowing she has my support?
She knows I have changed. She acknowledges it fully. Has for quite some time. She just doesn't love me anymore. Do I just give up? Hope she'll come to me? Got to be a better strategy than that. Maybe the Christmas alone is better than knowing she has my support?
How about some more info. I'm curious about the bit where you do all the Good Work, make the changes, she sees the changes (fully acknowledges)...this is all good stuff. Now what? Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
She knows I have changed. She acknowledges it fully. Has for quite some time. She just doesn't love me anymore.
So what were her complaints about the R, the ones that led her to leave?
Originally Posted By: jeffde23
Do I just give up? Hope she'll come to me? Got to be a better strategy than that.
Not really. You can't make her love you or want to be with you. All you can do is keep working on yourself. Maybe -- maybe -- when she sees a different, happy, confident you, she'll be interested in coming back.
It's only been three weeks, right? That's a blink of an eye in R time. Your relationship didn't fall apart overnight, and it'll take time to heal that damage.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
We struggled from poor communication for 11 years. I became bitter and critical. I withdrew from the relationship and lashed out through criticism to show my hurt. She was unable to communciate her needs and let her hurt fester to the point of numbness. Over the past year and a half. I have changed completely. I don't know why it started. I realized I didn't like the direction the marriage was heading and my life. I analyzed what I wanted and needed. I went to counseling, I changed my attitude. I let her know consistently that I loved her and why. She jumped between staying and going every couple of months since our issues were out in the open. She never completely opened up and refused counseling. She acknowledges that I am a changed man. A wonderful father and a good person. She just says she cannot let go of the past. Wants "new life experiences."
I just want to know where to go from here. I can just continue to be the man I've become. That's okay. I would like her in my life, but I am not overly hopeful. I can wait and see, but how does this happen without action?
She acknowledges that I am a changed man. A wonderful father and a good person. She just says she cannot let go of the past. Wants "new life experiences."
You are taking action by moving on. She probably has thought so much about these "new life experiences" that there was likely NOTHING you could have done to stop the separation once she made up her mind.
Others have posted good synopsis of how you make end up back together. These first six months for your W are going to be euphoric. She can go where she wants, with you, clean when she wants or not at all. Spend whatever. Everything will be new.
The LBS, on the other hand, spends the first six months picking up the pieces. Developing a new routine, mourning, rebuilding a social network.
At six months the joy of the single life may start to wear off for the Walk Away Spouse. Lots of friends are married. The ones that aren't have their own issues. They start to miss things they took for granted that the LBS spouse provided. Bills pile up. They miss important dates with their kids. Housework piles up.
The LBS, on the other hand, now knows life isn't over. They've found friends to hang out with. They have new routines set up. They feel the freedom of not having to walk around on eggshells with the dreaded S hanging over their head.
Just keep going with your life and be positive. That will filter back to her through the kids and friends. At some point, a lot of Walk-Aways find out the grass isn't greener and come back to work on the M.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Over the past year and a half. I have changed completely. I don't know why it started. I realized I didn't like the direction the marriage was heading and my life. I analyzed what I wanted and needed. I went to counseling, I changed my attitude. I let her know consistently that I loved her and why. She jumped between staying and going every couple of months since our issues were out in the open. She never completely opened up and refused counseling. She acknowledges that I am a changed man. A wonderful father and a good person. She just says she cannot let go of the past. Wants "new life experiences."
Something's amiss if you did this for a year and a half, she ACKNOWLEDGES it, and yet she STILL moves out, three weeks ago. Sounds like she was "done" already, and/or there's something (someONE?) blocking her. Is there someone else?
