Thanks Coach and PDT. That is what I have going. I don't do favors and I don't give her attention. That is why I asked about the card. And how to handle her requests. I don't want her to perceive it is attention or favors.
Yup I'm learning that No, I can't do that I already have plans is something I've memorized now.
Had a good evening with my son last night. Got something to eat, helped him with some homework, went shopping, and just did some goofing around with him. Dropped him off later went home and went for a run and a quick at home work out.
When I picked him up I was cheerful and upbeat with W. She asked about the changes she requested and I went through them with her with decisions. I determined when it was time to go, no lingering or waiting for her to end it. The local OM was sitting in his truck in the parking lot (where they both work) and I just ignored his presenced. She seemed a little down. This local OM is married with 3 kids.
And yes I know where he lives, his home number etc. Had to call in a favor with a local cop to run his license plates to determine.
Christmas will be tough on her with him. His family will come first. I did have a talk with him a while ago about them - he denied and lied. I've thought about telling his wife. I am of the school of thought at this point that it will blow up on its own and keep me out of the cross hairs. If I did at this point I would look like pursuing her. I'm not.
I have a journal, cell records, photographs of entering and leaving her place during lunch. I can get copies of their time sheets where they work, etc.
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I've thought about telling his wife.
Why should she be kept in the dark? Think about it, wouldn't you want to know if the shoe was on the other foot. You should just share what you know, she can do with it what she wants.
Now think about the OM, he will most likely drop your wife like a hot potatoe. His good times are over at home, he probably can't afford what 'adultery' might do to him legally, profesionally, or financially. This guy is a predator on your family and needs to treated as such.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Listen to coach. There is wisdom in his words. I was informed of W affair by OM Wife. She had all the goods, and presented them to me. because she informed with hard evidence, I am grateful to her for it. If not for her detective work, and courage to let me know, I would still be ignorant in my complacency.
Oblivious Me / W 47 EA 07/09 to ? PA ? M 13 Years
marriage is the most interesting event of one's life, the foundation of happiness or misery. GEORGE WASHINGTON, May 23, 1785
Its his and her lives at this point. None of my business to keep people from destroying their own lives. Just my opinion on it. There was a time Coach that I just wanted to destroy him - why I tracked down his house, etc. Oblivious, I'm sorry for your situation. I just don't see it as being courageous by me, just vindictive. I guess I've detached and just won't try to be the fixer anymore. People need to let themselves crumble if that is the path they've chosen.
I could be wrong, just my thoughts and where I'm at right now.
None of my business to keep people from destroying their own lives.
Your wife sleeping with another man, your son not have his family intact, your self-esteem, and the OM's wife being kept in the dark aren't your business either I guess?
Good luck with your approach.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I know you and I will disagree on the spouse of OM. I'm just trying to fully detach from her at this time. I've worked through my issue with it.
What I'm working on is trying to become a compassionate and selfless person to people I come into contact with. Trying to see the POV's of others. That is what I need help on learning to truly be compassionate, and selfless. Not in a door mat way.
And getting back her respect. And that is with setting boundaries and keeping them. I'm doing that. Also trying to add that mystery and just really working on making myself happy.
I need to re-read DR again. Always helps me when I read a book the second time - to really understand it.
I know you and I will disagree on the spouse of OM. I'm just trying to fully detach from her at this time. I've worked through my issue with it.
What I'm working on is trying to become a compassionate and selfless person to people I come into contact with. Trying to see the POV's of others. That is what I need help on learning to truly be compassionate, and selfless. Not in a door mat way.
And getting back her respect. And that is with setting boundaries and keeping them. I'm doing that. Also trying to add that mystery and just really working on making myself happy.
You need to find balance. You wrote earlier that you were "tracking him down" and now you're completely hands off of them. You are correct that you cannot control them/her. But find a balance somewhere between hands completely off AND tracking.
Compassionate and selfless is admirable. Again - balance. B/c you can be both of those things to a fault.
Balance. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
In her mind the marriage is dead and gone, we are physically seperated etc. How does addressing the OM at this point do anything but look like being desperate, etc. Yes my son's family is not intact. But that was not my decision. She made that decision. Now I can't be the fixer for her. It is like you said, no favors, no assistance right now.
Yes I missed that opportunity when it was staring me in the face and I didn't see it - I was in a fog. Wish I could go back in time, but what is done is done on that. What would you have me do Coach, bring up something again which only makes me look pathetic or move ahead and show her I can be happy on my own? Am I missing something here?
Greek, the tracking of information was in the past, long before I joined this forum and I agree with you that is why when I was so angry and so vindictive that I waited for a cooler head to prevail. Discussed with my brother. My brother isn't like most people's brothers - he doesn't sugar coat any of my actions or hers. But He wants me to be better in the long run regardless of any quick fixes in the short run. After a long discussion with him, and follow ups with him. Being vindictive was from being so attached that it was a positive force for me. He helped me see what is what. Since then I've gone dark. I've made small mistakes here and there but am setting my boundaries and sticking to them. I'm learning to fully detach from her emotionally and just work on me. That is where the quest for being compassionate and selfless come in to play.
