I've been lurking around for the last few days reading posts. A lot of information here to absorb.
My situation:
Me: 43 W: 35 S - 7 Married 7 years
I have read DR once. Need to read it again. I've read many books over the last 6 or 7 months. And I've been on another marriage forum. I just finally got to reading DR and wish I had read a long time ago.
Wife tried to reach me for a couple of years. I believe I was going through a depression due to stress, etc. I didn't hear her. She started threatening leaving around April. Tried to do things on my own with books etc. Failed miserably. Of course doing the I love yous, etc. Everything wrong. Placing blame on me and on her, etc. Waiting for her to show some signs. Getting frustrated etc.
She was having at least and EA with someone. Drove my nuts. And she is the jealous one, not normally me. Screwed up again.
Fianlly went to MC. She didn't seem to into into it. We did couples and seperate sessions with same counselor. I dug deep and was honest with MC. Uncovered a lot of issue during this time. But never got concrete steps or solution-oriented tips to resolve them. Gained insight, but just that.
Trial seperation started mid-July. With rules which she broke with OM from EA (probably PA) She got the new place. I got angry about rule breaking called her on it. Then D word dropped by her. Possibly another OM shows up on scene. She is "done with me".
Finally read DR and now I"m here. MY story in short form.
I want hope, but know if there is any left. Any thoughts from others. The bar is open!!!
this is what I'm trying to avoid - my main reason for being here
I'm so scared I'll be one of those WA's and my H will beg me back that he has changed (and maybe he will for real this time) but for me - too late!
You better start working on you...it's the only thing you have right now. You can't do anything to change what she is doing. You can only change you. If you wanna fight for this you gotta fight for you first. That is the best thing I can tell you. There's a great group of supportive people here for you. Keep reading.
so upsetting to see so many families in crisis
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Thanks Luvless, that is the plan work on me. Spend time with son. I should mention that I had already started GD with her before reading book. Hard to be upbeat around her during drop offs and pick ups for kid. Need to find something to fill time. During Aug - Nov. coached sons machine pitch basball team and soccer team -- keeps you busy and involved. That is over with so going to hit the gym, etc. Doing a lot of reading - some marriage books but a lot of other books as well.
Just realize I need to do some 180s and LRT. And expect that this will take a long time and will probably have to watch her go through another relationship.
Should have mentioned that this is my first marriage, but her second. She was a WAW in that one. Pattern here.
Welcome to the forums. The support here is incredible. It does take time. GALing , 180's is all about taking care of you, not her. Dont have expectations of her "seeing the light" its counterproductive. Just do your thing, she'll notice. Stay upbeat and when you cant stay neutral. Dont get frustrated around her or angry. No R talks, and YOU end the convo first. You are busy after all right?
Anything legally established - custody, money etc?
Who's paying for what?
She still have OM?
What were the issues you uncovered?
Quote:
Waiting for her to show some signs.
No more waiting for her. U10 moves forward.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes we are still seperated. We have started mediation. Here in the Tarheel state there is a mandatory legally seperated period of 1 year + 1 day to file for D.
We have agreed on custody, etc during 2 mediation sessions.
On issues for me - childhood things that surprised me. I come from a family where you didn't talk about things. Never saw my parents fight. Watched my older bro get punished a lot - I avoided and tried to be perfect. Always heard from om - you've to be the best. We moved while I was in high school between 10th and 11th - turns out not a good idea.
We've had some money issues. Not running out, but still I never worried about those things when single. I was single a long time (married at 36) so used to doing things my way on $$$. After marriage started a business which during this economy stressed the heck out of me. I worried about our future, my son's future. Turns out I was withdrawing from her first emotionally, then physically (she has issues too) trying to be the "man" and shield her from those worries. And on and on. During this time she tried to reach me - get me to open up - I heard but didn't "listen". Classic escalation by her in her approach. Then OM appears.
There appears to be 2 OMs. One a coworker, another a high school friend from home (5 hour drive away). OM1 is local during the week guy. OM2 visits on weekends. Of course always tells people who ask "just friends".
Are they still around probably - I don't pay much attention to that anymore. Did for a while - drove me nuts. Too much effort.
There appears to be 2 OMs. One a coworker, another a high school friend from home (5 hour drive away). OM1 is local during the week guy. OM2 visits on weekends. Of course always tells people who ask "just friends".
Are they still around probably - I don't pay much attention to that anymore.
trying to be the "man" and shield her from those worries
Book recommendations (you can Google the names and get some info now):
No More Mr Nice Guy (NMMNG)
His Needs/Her Needs
The Five Love Languages (5LLs)
Prepare yourself that you probably will get divorced or might reconcile.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
To me.. the situation you find yourself in is not unique. While you have given us ideas about things that have happened that led you to where you are now.. the underlying issue.. or your wall.. is the OM (Cheating).
Assume that the relationships she had were PA. Really it does not matter if they were or were not. But.. we will go on the fact that they were PA's.
The question you really have to answer is.. Is that (PA) a deal breaker for you? Can you put that and all that means behind you for a "while"?
This is the first step for you.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
