Me and my wife have been married for a little over 7 years...known each other for 11 years....We have a great marriage...3 Wonderful kids...or at least I thought we had a great marriage...This past summer I found my wife was having an affair...and when i started finding out about it at first she was all up and arms cause I was accusing her of doing something she was not...I never accused her...just asked her questions about why there were pics on her phone of this guy and why she had been texting him so much...2 days after I started confronting her she came home and told me she was not happy anymore...said she did not think how we could work through it or if we even would...but she wanted to stay and work on things...after she said that is when the affair really spiked up and starting happening...Once I found out about it and there was no more denying it she admitted to it and aplogized and talked to me for 6 hours about how this is what she wants and she will never do it again and that she was happy again...that was in august...things did start getting better...she was more affectionate...more communicative...more attentive...more intimacy back in our marriage...then about 3 weeks b4 thanksgiving i noticed that things were not the same...She was not being as affectionate...not talkin as much...intimacy was on the backburner again...then 2 days b4 thanksgiving she came home from work and sat down and told me that she is not happy...She never was happy...she was trying to b happy...Nothing is my fault she tells me...There is nothing i have done to cause this...But yet everyday i try and figure out what i could have possibly done or said that cause her to be happy...i still do this even though she tells me that it is not me...And the all famous no matter what happens I am always going to love you...She tells me that I felt things getting better cause she was being more affectionate...more intimate...more attentive...but those r not her...and i wanted to her 2 change as a person to b able to do those things and I should not need her 2 change...Im not asking for all that 24/7...and i have told her that...but when she comes home from work and I would love to have a kiss from her...I dont ever get it unless I am the one that stops her to get one....I am the only that puts my arm around her while we are in bed...I am even sometimes afraid to even think of attempting myself to be intimate with my wife cause I cant take anymore rejection when it comes to that...She never intitates it and tells me she dont have to cause she knows I will...And the thing is..I have not been...and she still does not attempt it...She tells me that sex is not everything in a marriage...I clearly understand that...but im not getting anything else that matters in a marriage either...She tells me that She does not know if we can gain back what we had or if we r going 2...But she is not leaving me.....(but if she does decide this is over she is not going anywhere) She is staying right her...and if she does go somewhere she is takin the kids with her....Im the stay at home dad...that is by our choices...we both could have great careers with the companies we work 4 but i knew it would b takin a lot of time away from kids...so my wife really wanted to pursue a career with her company so we decided I step down and just b with the kids...and I am perfect witht that...I could not ask for anything more...I do everything in my power to show her that this is what she needs to be with...and she tells me she knows and that this is what she truly wants...but yet does not seem to attempt to try and make things better until she knows she is happy...She refuses to go to a counsler..have tried that 3 times and she says she will not go to someone she does not know and open up her issues to them...Tried telling her that they dont take sides...they listen to the issues and try to help them...but that dont matter either....Her mother has clearly told me that she does not know what is wrong with her...She knows what the wrong mistake is going to b and that she is afraid to take it cause she knows there is a possibility of not coming back...Her mom tries to tell me she believes that this all could b that she turned 30 this year and that I am the only relationship she ever had till the affair..and that she feels she is not thinking she lived as much as her single life as should have and thats what is going on...I have no idea...But im not sure what else to do...I try everything I can to make her understand how good she has it her...but she already knows that...What else can I do????
But when I asked her what she would have done if the shoes were on the other foot she said that she would have made me leave and would never work on it because she is not a bigger person like I am...What words...
lets recap. she is going to continue her affair. she is not going to work on your marriage. and you are going to continue to live together?
My guess is that the OM is married. This is why she doesn't want to leave.
You do have an excellent option here if he is married that I have seen work very well in many other cases.
Bust up the affair. Expose it to the OM's wife. The OM then drops your wife like a hot potato and goes back to make things right with his wife.
You need to have all the evidence against them before you expose it to his wife. I have seen this concept work quite well to bust up an affair when the OM is married. Your wife may get mad. Even furious with you, but that will pass if you hold your ground. You can work through her being angry, but as long as the affair is going on, then I haven't seen much else work except for you to go out and start seeing other women. That is the other thing I have seen work quite well..
I haven't seen waiting around and hanging in there and hoping she will come back by you trying to prove you are the better man have a very good percentage of success. Seems to not work much, if at all. Read the threads from the BS men on this site and if you read enough of them you will see what I am talking about. Most of them keep trying and trying and trying. Still here. Still trying. Still hoping it will work. Still not reconciled. Still trying to tell themselves that they are seeing baby steps... etc. etc... The bottom line is that they are still waiting.
I would consider one of those two options. One thing for sure, she will respect you more and you will respect yourself more in the long run if you show her that an affair will NOT be tolerated. No matter what you hear, women DO respect men who stand up to these things and show confidence and strength.
I'm not sure why you keep posting multiple threads, on two different forums. It's almost like you're wanting someone to tell you what you want to hear, rather than hearing what you NEED to hear.
I suggest you go back and read everyone's previous replies to you, especially Dancing Queen's last two paragraphs back on 10/8.
I'm not sure how many different ways we can all tell you, "Your wife doesn't respect you, and until she does, she can't love you."
I echo what Puppy said about respect. And the fact that she's got PICTURES of him on her phone is a blatant lack of disrespect, no matter how you slice that.
Originally Posted By: rshiley
Nothing is my fault she tells me...There is nothing i have done to cause this...But yet everyday i try and figure out what i could have possibly done or said that cause her to be happy...i still do this even though she tells me that it is not me...
She is correct. It is not your fault, she made the decision on her own. It's not you, it's her.
Originally Posted By: rshiley
...I try everything I can to make her understand how good she has it her...but she already knows that...What else can I do????
Nothing you say will "make her understand." She needs to figure that out on her own.
My advice is to put your foot down. Tell her you you will not tolerate her affair, plain and simple. Do not budge from that position whatsoever.
As for the counseling, I am sorry she doesn't want to go, but try going on your own. You need someone to talk to & it just may help.
