Checking my posts, it's been a couple days under 8 months since I posted last.
We last found our intrepid hero one month under his belt since seeing the judge and closing on the new house, bar-hopping every weekend, working two jobs with the longer term one ending in 3 weeks and still having the kids full-time.
Since then, it worked out best for the new house to sit empty for 3 months, we got moved, the kids started spending every other week with their mom, the new job is pretty good and I've grown bunches and bunches.
No, I did not come back to gloat. I came back seeking wisdom. Without writing a novel, I must still include the back story.
Most of my life was spent looking to others for approval and validation and the biggest dose came from the ex. I grew and when self-respect gained ascendancy, I filed for divorce unwilling to continue trying in the face of her assertion we were getting divorced and the two guys she was dating. I'll not say that I've fully arrived at the place I desire, having a strong consciously chosen internally validated identity, but I feel that I'm well on my way.
In the past, I tried to avoid the pain and I used violent and self-destructive mental imagery to quiet it. Eventually, I realized avoiding it wasn't working and instead embraced that self-same pain. Understand, I was never suicidal, it was a coping mechanism.
Here then is the rut. Most of the time, my life is pretty good. Sometimes, I notice and ponder the desire for intimacy and connection and my current lack of same, and at an intellectual level it's not a big deal. However, with some regularity, perhaps on average 3-4 times a week, I'm reminded of my desire and lack at an emotional level. I'm lonely and it hurts. What follows is the problem. What follows the hurt is a violent self-destructive condemning rage directed at myself for wanting, for being so weak as to want.
I struggling trying to figure out what's going on. I'm not dating by choice as I don't feel like I'm ready and frankly, this is a big part of that. At times I get the feeling that it's a subconscious dodge or diversionary tactic in an attempt to avoid some growth or change. Other times I wonder if I'm confusing a healthy desire with the way that desire was previously bound up in the search for validation and approval.
Looking at some of you #'s it looks like we had pretty similar timelines. Together since '90. Married 13yrs. Two kids. She moved out April last year. Personally I started dating pretty quickly, but everyone has their own timelines. Wasn't interested (and wasn't ready for) anything serious and I was always honest and upfront with that information. For me it was all very positive. Met new people, had some fun and tried to figure out what I was really looking for.
I've been seriously dating a woman now for the last two months. I think it is more a function of the right person than the right length of time. Of course I wouldn't want to go straight from the marriage into a serious relationship, but I think I gave it enough time... about a 1 1/2 yrs from her moving out. Things are going very well and we are both focused on the importance of honesty and communication.
It sounds like there's some demons rattling within, some of which probably throw a snag in how you approach intimate (emotional, spiritual or physical) relationships. Heal thyself first, perhaps.
Have you considered personal counseling? Extreme life changes, like divorce, will be processed eventually. It's your choice how you approach it either by using the best tools possible or finding your way through it.
I third Gypsy. I gave in to finally seeing a counselor and it did wonders in as little as two months. Really changed my outlook on myself, what endured prior to the M, during the M and the subsequent D. I'm glad I did it.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Darn, there is no big cheesy wave smiley. Hi Kerry and Gypsy.
Yeah, I'd pretty much come to a similar conclusion. I haven't seen my counselor in several months because the last time I saw him, his input was that I was doing everything just right and to keep up the good work. Now that I've hit this current impasse, I could probably use a professional kick in the rear.
Ahhh, wonderful dates with my good friend Jose'. You know, I actually probably go out a little bit more now, but instead of every Saturday it's 3-4 days every other week when I don't have the kids. As for my drink of choice, I used to alternate tequila and beer (mid-weight local brew), then I moved on to RedBull and vodka, then I moved on to beer only and each of those combos left me feeling like warmed over roadkill the next day.
HOWEVER, I've found a drink that for me is nearly perfect. These days, I'm drinking Jack Daniels and Diet Coke and while I don't love the taste, the next day I basically can't tell that I was out drinking the night before.
So, JD and Diet make going deaf at 150 beats/minute more fun.
I like my JD straight. No ice. Nothing. And I keep a 150 euro worth, blue label bottle of Johnny Walker in my office, in case I need to celebrate something...
I think sometimes, when we stay "still" for a while, our demons as Gypsy says, catch up with us. It's usually the time to face them and stop running. At least that happens to me. Stay strong, K
