Sitting here as a married man (4 years), my wife in the next room watching TV, but I'm feeling lonely and neglected.
The problem (and I know this probably sounds sexist and conceited):
She doesn't seem to think "pleasing" her man is important. I'm not referring just to sex, but many aspects of our relationship. But....isn't that part of being a wife? Seriously, not just for the husband's benefit, but the wife's too. Wouldn't it be wise for a wife to try to hang on to her husband, rather than driving him away? The issues:
1. She hardly ever makes much effort to dress nicely or look stylish, including her hair. (BTW, she's about 100lbs overweight, 60 of which she's put on since we were married). This is starting to get to the point where I am losing the physical attraction to her.
2. Wakes early and turns in early, hardly ever initiating sex and also seemingly uninterested in sex if I initiate. This translates to most sex sessions being only on weekends. But with so many things going on on weekends, it sometimes is several weeks between sex sessions. She does enjoy it when we finally do it.
3. Would rather play online games or watch boring TV than have conversation or otherwise enjoy time with me.
4. Terrible "homemaker" resulting in our home not being very comfy or cozy (filled with clutter). Not nearly as relaxing a place as a home should be, in my opinion.
Sometimes I actually feel like I'm just the "shlep" that gets to pay the bills and maintain the house and that's my purpose...nothing else. I know it isn't true, but boy it sure feels like that at times. I even sometimes get thoughts that I was "tricked" into marrying her. She used to care about her looks, had lost a bunch of weight, did healthy things, and couldn't get enough sex.
I'm not sure what to do....this marriage NEEDS to work due to our 18 month old daughter (who is a joy, and who is very well cared for by her mother, my wife). I'm just getting really tired of being ignored, or taken for granted or whatever??? How am I supposed to deal with this for a lifetime and at the same time be expected not to wander the path of infidelity?
I'm not nearly qualified to chime in on this thread, but based on your bullet points, she sounds depressed and defeated. She needs to get that weight off, to build some confidence back up! She's retreated into her shell of home/online/TV, and is ignoring her responsibilities to herself, you and your home.
She's a good mom, huh?
Are you athletic? Maybe you could sign you and she up for a joint activity? My H and I used to group tennis lessons together, and had a blast!
I think the folks that belong on this thread may recommend reading Passionate Marriage, as well.
Good Luck! You'll get some good input here.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
No complaints about my wife in the "motherhood" category. She pours herself into properly raising our child...and I appreciate that. I also recognize that the eforts in parenting effect the energy level that is left over for intimacy.
I'd just like to see some improvement, instead of the constant downward spiral of the past 4 years.
An example of my frustration is the upcoming Christmas season. I do not know what gifts to buy...in the past many of the gifts I've gotten her have not seemed to be appreciated. If I buy her jewelry or clothing, she never wears it. I bought her a day at a Spa for mother's day in May, she still has not used it. Nothing I do seems to bring any happiness other than the instant that she receives it (and I'm starting to wonder if that excitement is real or not).
unadjusted, you said: "I even sometimes get thoughts that I was "tricked" into marrying her. She used to care about her looks, had lost a bunch of weight, did healthy things, and couldn't get enough sex."
I have read about other men feeling tricked into marriage, and I was always curious to hear more about this. Can you explain the timelines, how long you knew each other, how much you knew of her history in relationships and in her health/fitness life, before you got married? Did you discuss your future mutual goals of being healthy together before you got married or engaged? Please expand on this issue so we can possibly help you more.
Overall, your situation doesn't sound that bad, seems that maybe you two just don't know each other that well and you need a way to get closer. This can be done, we can help.
The thought of being tricked is probably just frustration...I don't really feel that way all the time, but sometimes it enters my head.
We married about 1 year after meeting. How well did we know each other? Maybe not well enough. I didn't "investigate" my wife before proposing. I did "assume" that she'd been unlucky in love as she was single never married at 36 years old. I too had never been married and was 37 at the time we met.
What I didn't know was that my wife had been through about 13 or 14 boyfriends over the years...promting me to have the thought that with that many failed relationships she may have been desperate to make ours work. She'd gotten into shape and had a new wardrobe just before we met (dropped about 60 pounds). She was still heavy but I had accepted it and even anticipated that she'd probably always have weight issues and would likely gain back weight. What I was not prepared for was such rapid weight gain...she put on about forty pounds in the first year we were married.
It is weird, but sometimes I just get the feeling that she may have had the attitude at the time that she was looking the best she had in years and this was her "chance" to seal a deal for marriage. Once that was final, the importance of attracting a mate was not there....she had her mate and I was "officially obligated" and unable to leave her like all the rest had presumably done (I don't know though, maybe she dumped them??).
Before marriage, she used to be able to stay up late and attend recreational activities that I enjoy, but since the wedding she has little interest in my activities or my friends. Says she can't stay up that late anymore (was she pretending she liked my friends and pretending she enjoyed the activities I take part in?). I sometimes get jealous when I see the level of support regarding hobbies/activities that others get from their wives compared to mine. Another thing is that I am expected to help her with everything (that requires more than one person) that she needs to accomplish, however she never offers to help me with things I need to accomplish. It's as if anything I want to do is not important. It is all quite confusing.
We did not discuss life goals while dating...we both seemed to share the same fundamental ideas regarding marriage and family. She seemed to genuinely care about me and what I was doing. I had no reason to suspect that my wife would reduce her desire for intimacy. I do belive that part of her lack of sexual desire is due to her self-esteem regarding her weight gain. If she felt more sexy, she might be more interested. Another part is her exhaustion from the difficult task of parenting our 18 month old as well as holding an important part time job. Also a factor, I believe, is depression generated by the death of her father and one of her sisters right around the time we got married.
The really crappy part is that I often feel "trapped". In other words, I cannot get out. Any split-up scenario I envision, would result in an even worse life for me. The law would require me to take a devestating finacial hit, I'd need to find someplace else to live, etc...and that is not even taking our child into consideration (which is priority one). I do not want to be a father who visits his estranged wife and his daughter and just contributes child support money. I WANT to raise my daughter WITH my wife. I just hope that I can change things to make that life more enjoyable.
Thanks to all, for the support...if nothing else it is therapeutic to discuss these things with others.
Have you read any relationship books yet? You two really have very common issues which could easily be helped. A little education on both of your parts and you will have a great marriage. Any books yet?
Have you noticed that your theories on how and why she trapped you and tricked you into marrying her are elaborate and detailed? You've got her motivations mapped out and everything. You sound like me.
If I had to guess, I'd say the reason your theories on that are so well-developed is that you've been stewing over those thoughts for a long time without really talking to your wife about it. Am I pretty close? You may be shocked if you talk to your wife with an open mind and really push her to talk with you in the same spirit.
I was.
You're a LONG way from hopelessness.
I don't think it would hurt to read the Sex-Starved Marriage book, if you haven't. If you recognize your own marriage in there (and you probably will see at least parts that you recognize) then you might want to recommend that your wife read it with you. Parts of the book are aimed at the low-desire spouse and they help because they make it clear to the LD partner that she's not hopeless (nor is she the only one to blame, or the only one who will change) and there are things she can do that will make her feel better.
+1 on the Sex Starved Marriage book! I have found it very helpful. As said above there are also sections of the book that provide some guidance for the HD partner (you) on what you can do to help jointly fix your marriage.
I also recommend the Five Languages of Love by Dr. Chapman.
Having a small child is an incredible lifestyle change and burden on a mariage and an incredible blessing for two parents. I would expect that only an exceptional marriage would not have a little bit of reduced sex following the birth of a child. My suggestion is to "man-up" and accept that as part of the downside of bringing a child into the world. In another 18 years of marriage you will remeber it happened, but it will seem like no big deal and a small price to have paid for the wonderful experience of being a parent. (I an most others on this forum have been there. It is horrible when you are there, but not so bad when it has faded into history and you have many happy years of being a father and husband.)
Being overweight is almost a given in the USA, so work with her on that. The CDC says that 67% of US population over age 20 is either fat or obese. [url=http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/overwt.htm] It doesn't make such a huge weight gain right or medically appropriate, it just means that there are a lot of societal factors that encourage being overweight in the USA. It also means that someone has to really work hard at staying at a healthy weight.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
This is going to sound cliched, but you say she's a terrible homemaker. How are the household chores divided in your house? From your description of her day it sounds to me like she works outside the home, is that right?
I'll be honest with you, women more easily than men can simply be too tired to have sex. It becomes the final chore of the day when a woman is too frazzled. If you can help more (i.e. you're not already doing your fair share of the work) it might really help, especially when there's a baby in the house.
Okay, let me be more clear on the "homemaker" subject. My wife (and I) keep the place sanitary, not really a problem there....but I've always thought homemaker kind of meant that part of the "job" was to try to create a home environmaent that is inviting, relaxing, soothing, etc... kind of a refuge for the residents to forget about their work once home. Maybe I'm way off base on that assumption (and granted, it should be a joint effort by both spouses).
It's just that most other married couples I have knowledge about, the wives seem to put quite some effort into making their homes as cozy as possible. My wife doesn't seem to care about such things very much.
Also, as far as the tiredness....I get it, but c'mon....doesn't she think that I'll miss having sex? Shouldn't she be working on some alternative method of keeping our sex lives active? I've done my part, but I have to admit that after a while it doesn't seem worth it to even try to initiate it. Especially when lately she seems to be almost always doing something that is not a turn-on...whether clothing, hair, attitude, etc....
Again, do women realize that they're being like this? Do they have any inkling that behavior like this could be why so many men end up in extra-marital affairs?
