Been lurking, reading and now registered. I am in desperate need of advice. I am reading the DR book now. And my head is swirling with thoughts of what I need to do.
My situation.
H46 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Trial seperation 3 months into it.
I had a brief affair 10 yrs ago. Sought counseling. We did not divorce/seperate. Both of us have been in counseling seperate and together on and off for the past 10 yrs.
2 yrs ago, I found out W had 2 affairs, the most recent was at that time. She told me the first one 8 yrs ago, was to get over the pain of my affair and was only a one nite stand. The most recent second affair began as an EA and went to PA. I moved out of my home, sought counseling, and after 4 months she asked, and I returned to reconcile. Things seemed to be going smoothly..(she has been on anti-depressants since I have known her, 18 yrs, possibly starting menopause recently)
To try and restart, we recently relocated out of state 1 year ago, new area, both with very good new jobs. 3 months after buying a house, my W stated that she was not happy, ILYBINILWY and I want a divorce! I have been in shock and denial for the past 6 months.. W initially agreed to counseling but was reluctant and has stated she:
1.wants is a divorce. 2.wants to be a single mom and raise her kids 3.has no desire for a relationship with me 4.has no desire for a relationship with ANY man.
I have asked her multuiple times if there is an OM. She denies. Several of her very close girlfriends have gotten divorced/in the process during the past 2 yrs. Her best friend divorced last June and has gotten engaged last month. (I'm thinking , grass is greener?)
She continues to tell me that she is not in love with me and is not attracted to me sexually.(I am height weight proportionate, non smoker, minimal drinker, and take good care of my self physically) We have been in counseling for about 4 months. Issues I have discovered is that I am:
a very good provider, Codependent, very sad Very emotional Tried so hard to provide for my family that I have no real life of my own, pushing my wife away.
What was revealed in counseling for her:
"Her tank is not full" She is sad States she is not willing anymore to try and work on the M Thinks we gave it our best shot during the past 12 yrs Thinks her last 16 yrs has "sucked" in our M. (Never, ever any physical abuse issues)
The last issue our counselor said in our last meeting is that we have "arrived at an impasse". We have an appt. today and I am terrified the MC will say we need to move on from this impasse.
What can I do in the immediate time to calm my anxiety/fears/emotions? I'm reading DR and have jumped to the Last Resort section and have read the do's and dont's. I will try to apply them.... Any suggestions/comments/similar sitchs? I'm scared, sad and want to salvage my M.
DamnDogs
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
My question, was this a good decision on my part to agree to move out while we each sorted things out??
Your wife wants a divorce and you moved out. No not a good move. She's in control of you. You need to get in control of yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Our counselor had recommended the trial seperation.
My thoughts:
-Keep the kids in the same home, environment. -If she had moved out she would have taken the kids with her. -financially unable for me to stay in the home on my own, (Although, I do realize I am subsidizing her behavior and decisions by me moving out)
If I move back in, I would feel that it would be like "throwing in the towel" on the trial seperation? Against the counselors advice? Would the DR skills be more effective?
I feel torn. DD H46 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Trial seperation 3 months into it
Last edited by damndogs; 12/02/0903:16 PM.
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
Have you considered a new counselor? One that better appreciates that you are trying to SAVE your marriage? Seperating is just setting the ground work for a divorce. The relationship needs to be re-inforced and strengthened nor weakened by seperation. Seperating components never strengthens a unit.
Me-47 WAW-42 D-16 S-14 M-22 yrs T-19 yrs ILYBNILWY-3 years ago. Full Story and original posts: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...066#Post1781066
FWIW, if I had to do it over again, I would definitely be the one to move out. So much baggage and crap to deal with otherwise. A fresh start DEFINITELY facilitates GAL, letting go, finding new ways to have a great life, and so on.
I'd much rather give that edge to an LBS than a WAS.
FWIW, if I had to do it over again, I would definitely be the one to move out. So much baggage and crap to deal with otherwise. A fresh start DEFINITELY facilitates GAL, letting go, finding new ways to have a great life, and so on.
I'd much rather give that edge to an LBS than a WAS.
That's a fresh and interesting take, OT -- I hadn't thought of it that way. I would say that if the WAS clearly know that that's WHY you were choosing to do that -- and provided of course that your atty advises you that you weren't forming the basis of any "abandonment" issues with kids -- that might work.
The problem I see in almost ANY sitch, is that the LBS is the one to leave strictly for mollifying/appeasement purposes: "to not make waves." They think it's going to score them points, and not only DOESN'T it, it usually backfires. But I can definitely see your way of looking at this, too.
