The Blindside

[lala09]

I have the Divorce Busters book headed to my nearby library, so I have not read it yet, but am anxious to get started!

I had been pretty insecure towards the end of my surprise, pregnancy and after having my daughter. My body had changed, my hormones were crazy, I quit my job, etc. and would often come crying to my husband asking him if he had cheated on me, his answer was always no. I finally decided that I had to stop accusing him of these things and get over myself until a few weeks ago. We had a great day together hanging out at the park and having fun. For some reason, on the way home, I got that uneasy feeling again and pulled up our cell phone records (like a crazy stalker!) and noticed a number that was a little too frequent for my liking. I asked him to put that number into his phone and he flashed his phone at me and I didn't look at the number, I just saw the name of his employer. I still had that uneasy feeling so I pushed him on it a little bit more. Finally he came clean and admitted that he had put the wrong number into his phone when I asked him about it, and in reality, the number was to a person whom he had been having an emotional affair with - an ex co-worker of his since the beginning of the summer. He insisted that it was just talking and ended it the following day and that has been over since that time. As far as I'm concerned, I have to believe him that it was over at that point and move on.

I did head home for a week at the that time so that he and I could both have some time to think. That week was really hard for me, because despite the betrayal, I still loved him and really wanted to make it work. He had organized his thoughts and asked me to come home the following weekend. He realized that this all began when I got pregnant and he selfishly didn't want his life to change so he continued to indulge in his work, hanging out with co-workers and investing his time in a relationship with a woman who was normal...aka no belly. Through doing so he invested less in our relationship and eventually came to a point of feeling indifferent towards me. Wow, that sucks, but again, I wanted to make it work, as did he. At that point (two weeks ago now) we decided that in order to get back in the good, he would start going through the motions of spending more time with me, not working so much at home, coming home sooner and being more deliberate in our interactions. We were hoping that real feeling of wanting to do those things would then return and the indifference would diminish.

That was a lot easier said than done. I had all along been loving him and seeking companionship from him and I couldn't expect him to flip a switch and turn his feelings back on. It really wore me down knowing that I was feeling so much and that it wasn't replicated in him, even though we both wanted it to be. I brought up my frustration Thanksgiving evening, and he admitted that he too was having a hard time still not feeling anything. He took the day Friday to think about things further. He returned home Friday night and said that he realized that he began drifting away a few months before I got pregnant and was hoping he would just shake out of it. He only started to drift more and more away and thought that with the pregnancy and then having a new baby that bringing up his feelings would only make things worse. Which brought us to that day and him feeling that he was beyond the point of making things better and that the only reason he was staying around any more was for our daughter. This was hard for me to understand because he had had a hard time bonding with her until about a month ago.

That was really hard to hear. Very painful! It really was a blindside to me. Up to this point, he had dealt with his feelings and come to this conclusion on his own and I really had to press him to try to work things out with me. He finally agreed to speak with a marriage counselor but he is not thinking it will do any good. We have our first session Wednesday evening.

He left Sunday night to stay with a friend nearby. He had originally planned to come back each evening to spend about a half hour with our daughter. I had to put an end to that after one day because I felt that he was taking advantage of me and it was hard to watch him walk out each time. I told him I would just see him at the counseling session tomorrow.

Everyone is very shocked by all of this since this is completely out of character for him. His parents even suggested possible depression since he has lost about 20lbs over the past 6 months, and has not been sleeping well. It could also be related to pressures of the new babe, new responsibilities at his job, and me quitting my job to stay home with our daughter.

Although it is difficult, I am very hopeful. I refuse to accept at this point that this is where our marriage is meant to go...especially given that we have a daughter now! Yes, it has all been very hard and extremely painful, but I am committed to fighting for our marriage with everything that I have. The show of support from my family and friends has been overwhelming. I have also found a lot of comforting resources through our church.

If any of you has survived a similar situation, I could use some encouragement before heading into this first session!

[luvless]

You came to the right place. The people here are very supportive and there is alot to learn. I'm not near divorce yet so I can't give you much but my H is very distant too so I understand how you are feeling.

All you can do right now is work on you - be strong and keep reading here.

[grr]

sorry you are in this situation. keep your head up, try to stay strong and not needy.

in early october my husband wanted out (we have been married for 13 years and this is not the first time he has stated this)
he said he was not in love with me, that he was unhappy and wanted to get on with his life. he didn't move out but travels for work so he was pretty much gone during that time.

at first i pleaded and kept trying to talk to him about it.
he agreed to go to counseling, but only to help me understand that we were getting divorced.

as the weeks went on, i worked on me. got back into shape (for me, not him) and stopped talking about our relationship. however, the few times that we did, i was honest and let him know that i still wanted it to work but i was also able to show him changes i was making.

2 weeks ago he said he would be willing to try to work things out.
though he is still uncertain of the outcome, these past 2 weeks have been great.

my point is there is now hope, where just a few weeks ago i had thought there was none.

take care of you and your baby and show him how strong and wonderful you are.

[Jstar]

that was great advice about time and how things can change. it gave me some hope. at this point i'm at there is no hope and a non changing situation.