Still Wandering

[NOMAD]

I suspect the last few days have been her way of testing me. This morning she said she was onboard with reconciliation but wanted me to slow down a bit. We may do Retro in 2 weeks.

She said she forgives me for actions of the past.

She requested that I occasionally let her know what I like and appreciate in our relationship. I thanked her for asking this and told her that it makes me feel needed which I haven't felt in a long time.

Any comments.......Coach?

[soleil]

I suspect the last few days have been her way of testing me. This morning she said she was onboard with reconciliation but wanted me to slow down a bit. We may do Retro in 2 weeks.

She said she forgives me for actions of the past.

She requested that I occasionally let her know what I like and appreciate in our relationship. I thanked her for asking this and told her that it makes me feel needed which I haven't felt in a long time.

All of this sounds great, Nomad. It seems the tide is turning.

[silverado]

Nomad,

I have been to Retro....GO!!!! It sounds like you are in a good place for it if she stays in this cooperative mindset. You will receive lots of tools and direction there. Lots of affirmation there too--for BOTH of you.

Silverado

[Lotus]

Nomad,

Retrouvaille is an incredible experience. It will do wonders for your relationship. (And it will deal with that "you never..." thing.) There is a thread in Piecing with a lot of great info about Retro on hit. Here's a link to it. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1597090&page=1

[NOMAD]

She began reading The 5LL last night. She asked me to hug and hold her before we went to sleep. I thanked her today.

Baby steps, taking one at a time.

3 days to Retro, taking one at a time.

[NOMAD]

During individual MC I asked how and when we will discuss her EAs and PAs, since we have had NO discussions about them except her brief admission at that one time. MC asked what intel I had and how I got it. I told MC about reading her e-mails. The MC says this is a lie that I have to admit to W and get in the open.

I question that disclosure on my part. I want her full disclosure about the EAs and PAs and then I'll be open about my intel.

Are e-mails private or considered to be like post cards in that anyone can read them without one's privacy being invaded? I didn't hack or steal any passwords, the info. is open on her phone or PC.

If you want the info. private you should encrypte it or not EM or TM it, anybody should know that.

I have no problem with my wife reading any of my EM or TM and due to the suspicions that I had I'm glad I read hers. We teach our son not to TM or EM anything they don't want the world to see. As parents we will check his EM and TM just because we are good parents.

Please reply with the right or wrong on this issue. Does the end justify the means? I think I would do it all again in order to protect and save my family and marriage.

Any thoughts?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

As the head of your family, I don't think there is anything wrong with doing everything you can to protect it from PREDATORS (and that is what OM is -- a predator) when you have reasonable cause. I think things like keyloggers are fine for routinely monitoring your CHILDREN, even WITHOUT "reasonable cause," but in the case of an adult spouse, I think one should only employ a keylogger, voice-activated recorder, etc., if you have very real concerns that your spouse is being unfaithful.

When you consider the financial, legal, emotional and even MEDICAL risks (please don't make me spell it out!), I hardly think this is an extreme position.

I haven't followed your sitch, NOMAD, but I normally advise people to NEVER give up the source of your intel, and that would be my default position here. That "they don't know what you know, and what you DON'T know" position is a VERY powerful way to get at the truth, very quickly, and bust an affair.

Now, I DO believe, that a MC environment needs to be one of complete and total honesty, between all 3 parties (husband, wife, and MC). So I think it's proper to let a cheating spouse (or formerly-cheating spouse) know that you "KNOW ALL ABOUT" their infidelity. But I don't think you're under any obligation to reveal your source(s) until such time that:

- you are reconciling;

- your formerly-cheating spouse has agreed to "100% no-contact" and "TOTAL TRANSPARENCY";

HAS she? At that time, you can certainly offer MUTUAL transparency as part of the agreement.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She wants to know what I want her to do. I said get onboard with our reconciliation. She asked what besides reading, mc & retro? And read this as having to give up everything else, GFs, workouts, running, racing, etc.

NOMAD,

I was just trying to go back and get caught up on your thread, when this jumped out at me. Did you really ask her to give up all of these things???

Puppy

[NOMAD]

I agree with your timing of "mutual transparency". We have not agreed on the transparency plan but are beginning to reconcile with Retro starting today.

I certainly DID NOT ask her to give up those things. I am now more supportive of her life and activities than I have ever been. This ahs been one of my big 180s. This comment was her mind reading and testing me.

PDT - Thanks for your advice.

NOMAD

[NOMAD]

We are both drained from the Retrouville weekend. I'd compare it to an emotional colonoscopy. Alot of feelings surfaced, some good, some bad. We'll push forward.

We both agreed we felt closer to each other but the forest is still thick and difficult to see through.

Baby steps.....