I backtracked in my progress...feeling depressed

[allyg8r]

So Thanksgiving itself wasn't all that hard...I visited my family down in Florida, who are very supportive. They knew I didn't want to talk about "the situation", so we focused on other things. Coming home though...that was a different story. It was really hard to come home to an empty house. H and I had scheduled a "date" for Sunday. I had suggested mini-golf or bowling...something active so we could be somewhat distracted. He had to go into work in the afternoon, so we planned brunch instead. Not a good idea...sitting in a restuarant surrounded by happy families and couples was more than I could take.

I basically pretty much lost it. I wanted to talk about our relationship and I couldn't let it go. My brain kept screaming at me to stop, but my mouth just kept on going. I could tell I was annoying him and pushing him farther away, and yet I persisted. It was like I was possessed. Everything DB just went flying out the window. I did everything I shouldn't do. I cried, I begged, I told him I loved him over and over, I asked for him to give me hope and comfort, I badgered him about when he was coming home. I completely lost all control.

Then to make matters worse, I wrote an emotional e-mail to him that night. And when he stopped by the house after work yesterday to pick up the George Foreman grill, I did it all again. I knew in the moment that what I was doing was counterproductive, that I was erasing all progress I had made. And yet it made no difference to me. The need to try and squeeze some love out of him was far stronger than the DB principles. The look of pity he gave me as he left will be forever etched in my mind.

We have another tentative "date" scheduled for tomorrow night. He may come over for dinner, he may not. I think it may be better to postpone until I know I can get my emotions under control. He's so non-committal right now and it drives me nuts. Or what he says is contradictory. Like yesterday he said we would not be spending Christmas together. I said "So I guess I can assume we won't be back together before the end of the year." and he said "Don't assume that. I don't know."

What do you think? Have I completely ruined it? Am I back at square one? I can't read him at all, other than he's incredibly cold and withdrawn around me. Some things he says/does gives me hope, but then he snatches it away again in the next breath. He doesn't want to give me hope, but he doesn't want to give me hopelessness either. I'm caught in no-man's-land. My parents think he's being cruel.

How do I teach myself patience? All he wants from me is time and space and yet I can't seem to give it. I do want to say that he instigates texts and seeing me more than I do with him. He wants to see me on his terms, which is why he won't commit to dinner with me tomorrow night.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hey there Ally,

This is one of those lessons. You know the lessons that might actually stick cause they suckk.

Are you at square one? No, you know more now than when you actually were at square one.

He says...let me boil it down to the most important part:

"I don't know."

Unless this man is evil...is he? Was he? Was he s adist when you met him?

Unless this man is evil, then he really doesn't know.

You cannot do what he is doing to you, unless you are a fukcing monster, or a naive high schooler just learning about relationships.

He really doesn't know.

You're parents are wrong, unless you said that he was evil.
Stop talking to them about him. Cause if he does come back, you guys work things out, then everyone you talked to about him and you are now going to judge him, and that's a fun hill for him to climb.

Do better. Stop the begging, the I love you's and crap. Let him see what he is missing, don't tell him.

He wants space, this is about him him right now, you cannot give him space? Then why should he believe you are capable of the changes I am willing to bet he said he needed from you.

Stop pressuring him, you are. Go back and read what you wrote with a critical eye and see where you did pressure him, unless you want him to go away.

In your shoes...which I am not, I would send him a simple note, saying something to the effect of:

"Sorry I am trying, it is hard, giving you the space you need conflicts with what I want, I need to remember that your needs are as important to you as my wants are to me. Sometimes it all comes out, given a chance I know I will do better."

BTW, those are my words...I wouldn't use them exactly unless you talk like me.

A little insight?
His terms...because more than likely he feels he has been living the marriage under your terms.

[allyg8r]

Thanks Jack. I needed an ass-kicking. I did send him a text apologizing for my neurotic outbursts. I'm back to giving him time and space.

I went and downloaded a bunch of volunteer applications yesterday...now when I get the urge to be needy, I fill one out and send it in. I figure I might as well channel this pent-up frustration and energy into something productive.