One of the better signs is that they start trying to reconnect with people they have alientated. Usually with their children first.
They also seem to have to hit rock bottom first, and that varies for everyone as to what rock bottom is. But I'll tell you it most likely won't be anything you think 'rock bottom' should be for them.
As long as you realize that you're putting the cart in front of the horse by asking this question, then you'll be fine. If however you use this information to shoehorn his actions to fit your hopes and wants...then...smack your hand. : )
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
The LBS will know when the time has come because of two major changes.
First, the WAS will have dropped most of the trappings of depression which made him an alien. Rather than feeling completely alone when with him, the LBS will feel that he "sees" and "hears" her. He will feel more comfortable in his own skin, able to relax and appreciate things external to his own concerns. He will also be comfortable and behave in a mature manner with the people he shunned while in selfish mode (including the LBS's family, usually). He will often be full of memories of what the relationship was like before he became depressed. It will feel as though the "old" H came back, shedding the angry, self-obsessed, restless, pleasure-seeking, self-pitying, blaming creature that inhabited him.
The other necessary change is in the WAS, who must have reached such a level of detachment from the marriage that she now feels confident that she can have a wonderful life even if the WAS never comes back. She will have "got a life" which inludes all the self-care, friends, activities, sports, hobbies and challenges she requires for a full life (balanced, if appropriate, with children and work)--she will have become the kind of person she admires the most. She will also have worked on all those issues that lead to conflict in the previous relationship--whatever fears or insecurities or anger triggers or things that couldn't be discussed she carried because of family of origin or earlier experiences--learning to recognize and take responsibility for them rather than allow them to be displaced onto other relationships.
What I'm saying is, you don't want the WAS to come home until both of you have had enough time to grow up fully. If he comes home sooner, the relationship will only fail. The time it takes is far less important than the outcome. Focus on finding happiness within yourself. You'll never regret that, whatever happens with your spouse.
I have lots of questions about MLC although I am GAL and thinking positive as well as DBing. The information I am getting allows me to have a better understanding of the world where H is at the moment. It also stops me from having hopeless thoughts for his actions.
I appreciate it's going to be a long haul.............
The changes are subtle.....well even when my H was showing signs, i kept to zero expectations. BND kept saying "hes right on target". My theory was to add a year(or 2) to anything that looked remotely promising.
One of the things I noticed a couple weeks before he asked to come home was him just staring at his beloved tractor(that during replay he had left out side to rust til I had someone put it away) He just stared at it like he was seeing it for the first time or in a whole new light.
The other thing were his beloved pets. His cat stopped sleeping in the bed he got for her 2 days after he left and became feral. His dog ignored him and walked away in his presence. As he started to find his way back they became more attached back to him. the biggest changes being that few weeks prior to his asking to come home...uncanny, the day he sat across from me in our kitchen asking to come home...they were all curled up around his feet.
Me, I just kept trying to pick up MY pieces and get a life , which I believe when he sensed the loss of my anger, acceptance of things,and my total forgiveness is when he began his "ocean liner" turn towards home. It was a wide swing but none the less a turn in my direction
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Hi Libby...sorry to see you on this rollercoaster, but youve come to a great place to find support.
I will say that you really shouldnt waste your time on trying to figure out MLC patterns. It will just drive you crazy thinking about it all the time. They will work through things in their own time. All you need to do is worry about YOU. Take care of yourself.
For me its been 3 years this month. Im still asking myself is now the right time for him to come home.
Hope all works out for you.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Three years for me as of Nov. 30. We are definitely on the same timeline. I often think about how he was 3 years ago and there are definite changes, I am just not sure if they are good or bad.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
When I first found all the info on MLC I tried hard to decide where H was in all of this.
Now I am moving away from that as too much analysis drives you crazy and doesn't change a thing! Initially I thought my H was different and wouldn't take to long to come through the tunnel. After reading losts of posts on this forum I realise now and except it will be a long time.
