I have been reading the advice on the forum for a number of weeks and found it very helpful, so now I have come for an insight into my sitch.
I believe my husband has been in MLC for about 3 years but I came to this conclusion only on reflection after he left. Over the last 12 – 18 months he became increasingly withdrawn and drank more beer than was good for him. He also lost a lot of weight very quickly. Unknown to me he started an EA via an internet dating site in Jan 09. He walked out after an argument in July 09 and returned 3 days later to work on the marriage. At this point he admitted there had been another woman but no PA but it was over and she had another boyfriend. Despite trying to engage with him to try and sort our relationship out he always had an excuse not to participate. He contacted the OW at the beginning of Aug 09 and dropped the bomb on 15th Aug that he didn’t love me as he did when we were 20, he had fallen out of love with me, he had been miserable for 8 years in the marriage, rewrote our history, said the marriage was over that we would be separated, divorced and he would marry someone else as he deserved some happiness. He moved out into a flat on 11th Sept 09.
Despite him wanting the OW to move in she has never moved in full time but continues to live with her husband, who she is separated from during the week and I believe some weekends. This is despite her being traumatised by the arguments between herself and her husband. My H believes he loves her.
When he first moved out he had no contact with me or his children for two weeks. Gradually he has made increasing contact and now visits the children once per week and uses text and telephone calls to maintain a relationship with them. At times when he visits he looks old, pale and miserable and admits he’s not happy.
I don’t contact him unless it’s about the children or his business. The text are always business like with no emotion (though that’s hard and I have only just managed it). I have been trying to train myself to be detached and GAL despite what has happened.
Three weeks ago I told him he needed to think of where he would store his motorbikes and office furniture out of the garage. He looked shocked and asked me if I was going to sell the house. I said not imminently but these are things he should consider.
Since then his texts have become friendlier and he has started ringing me occasionally. Despite this he will have days when he doesn’t communicate, particularly if the OW is around. He starts his motorbikes when he visits and is visiting the garage playing with his ‘toys’. He also spends time with me alone ‘chatting’ although I always try to be busy. He also makes physical contact with me i.e touching my hand, wiping some dirt off my face, standing beside me helping in the kitchen. Before he left he never came near me. We also have good eye contact when talking. Now he has arranged for a meal in a restaurant to celebrate his and our son’s birthday in December and asked my parents to go along as well. He has chosen to spend his actual birthday with the OW.
My D19 spoke to him yesterday and asked him if he had MLC which of course he denied. He said he was happy with OW and not coming back and had detached himself from the family and home.
Can anyone give me some insight into what is going on? Any advice would be appreciated.
And welcome to the greatest place on earth for those with aliens for spouses! It sounds as though your H is definitely in MLC (and it's only when they're starting to come out of one that they can finally see that's what it was). You are surrounded by people here who know exactly what you're going through, because they've heard all the same things from their spouses, and suffered the same kicks to the gut. Read their stories, and especially read all the resource materials.
In a nutshell, your H is probably depressed (was there a trigger 3-4 years ago?), is looking for happiness outside himself (enter OW), and is on a journey to repair core hurts suffered during his childhood. The good news is, he will probably emerge a better, more self-aware person. The bad news: this all takes longer than you'd imagine possible.
In the meantime, all you can do is focus on becoming the person you always admired most and wanted to be. It sounds as though you're doing great, cutting out unhelpful behaviours, learning to detach, getting new interests, and showing him that you're determined to move on. This all becomes harder when they're nicer, so read up here on what to expect and how to respond to it.
Thanks for your kind welcome to the forum. There is certainly good advice and support here and I have already tried to put these into place.
I think the start of his MLC 3 years ago was when we moved house. He constantly complained that he felt old because his body wouldn't function like it used to and he had loads of aches and pains. We moved to an area he played in as a child and we visited frequently socialising when we first met. The village we moved to had one of his friends from school living there who subsequently took early retirement and moved abroad! Just as we moved he also turned 49 years.
welcome L Yes we have all heard many of those same lines You are doing well moving forward and still connecting with your H I think it takes them a really long time to really decide they want to eat cake still know wife is there and continue with OW THats what mine did its good he is seeing the kids and the R seems peacful all around so that is great all you can do is watch the MLCer will confuse you, showing signs of liking/hating you I thought so many times my xh would return our R whilke seperated was good we talked many times and he visited many times a week
You continue on your path be kind and supportive and watch more will be revealed later peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I was confused because before and when he went he couldn't bear me near him and when he looked at me it was with hard, cold eyes. This new (old) side of him was a real surprise to me and totally unexpected. What I didn't want to do was have expectations that would then be dashed as they were in July 09 when he returned to make the relationship work and before I knew what I was dealing with.
I am prepared to wait and see what the outcome is. I think I am going to put boundaries in to protect the kids because in trashing our marriage he has also trashed their history and they feel that i.e holidays, days out that he didn't enjoy, so need to ask him to be careful what he says to them but in the nicest possible way.
You mentioned you D19, how old is your S? I ask b/c at 19 she is old enough to speak for herself. That doesn't mean you can't put an observation on the table. I wouldn't couch it terms of his being "careful" b/c then you're telling him what he can and can't say to his kids. My D's are 17 and 14 and I let them speak for themselves mostly. If I do need to say something, it is strictly "X shared this with me".
If your kids aren't good at speaking from the heart in a face to face, perhaps a letter or text would work for them.
We have 4 children. D 21 and 19 and S 15 and 13 years.It is very hard because their Dad laid all the blame at my door for him leaving. D19 is very much her Dad's girl and can be harsh about what has happened. None of the children except the eldest will discuss what has happened as they believe this is it now and we need to move on. Whilst I accept that this maybe how it turns out I feel it is early days yet.
Maybe it would be wise to stand back and watch and not tell him what he can discuss with the children.
Can anyone give advice on his recent behaviour when he comes home i.e needing to make physical contact with me by touching hands, sitting beside me watching television and his need to chat to me when the children aren't present. The other day he was looking at the new slimmer me quite intently. Also inviting my parents out for a meal to celebrate his birthday.
I have no expectations but wondered where this fitted into the scheme of things, especially as he wouldn't come near me for months before he left and his attitude to me then was cold and detached.
libby, Is this new behavior for him? If so, how long has he been doing it? The reason that I'm asking is that he could very well be having moments of clarity/sanity and will dive back into the "fog" after a while.
In many cases, they come home and say that they want to work on the marriage and become this flirty, clingy, attention wanting person for a while and then back into the hole they go again. Accept him for who he is right now and if he's pleasant and wants to do things w/you, go ahead and do them...just keep your expectations at zero. He's emotionally all over the place and until he settles down, you really will not know which way he's going to go next.
You have a good handle on what MLC is all about and you have your hands full being a mother and also a "mother" to your man/child right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is new behaviour and he has been doing it for about 3 weeks. In fact he appears closer to me when he is here at home than he has been for 18 months or more. Previously before he left there was no connection or touching between us for some considerable time. But as you say he then disappears again when he leaves.
I will continue watching and waiting whilst moving on as best I can.
